There are a few parts to the difficulty. One is that when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks. I hang out in an IRC chatroom for that, but sometimes nobody's around for hours.
Another is that weekends are hard. I used to be in a house filled with life each weekend, and now it's me and my dog (and my cat, when he decides to grace me with his presence). Having animals helps somewhat, but it's still hard simply being alone with myself for ~60 hours.
I'm also finding it difficult to think of things to do. My default action is to play games, but it feels empty, both because I used to be able to play games alongside someone else and because I have no one to share the cool moments with.
I understand that many of you find alone-ness to be natural, and even required. All I can say is that I haven't ever lived that way. I sometimes panic when it's been too long since I've seen another person.
There are the usual suggestions: go to the dog park more often, pick something and build it, read books, hop on dating sites, find a hobby, and so on. But I'm finding it hard to actually do any of that. I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.
I work remote, and that's currently my main way to gratify social cravings. But it's not a consistent way, since the time zone difference is quite large (I'm -7 hours vs them).
Everything feels hollow now. That's the main thing that's hard to adjust to. I was hoping for some psychological tricks to deal with that, or just to hear stories from other people who have had to undergo similar situations. In many ways it feels like being imprisoned, except at least in prison there are other inmates to socialize with. "Solitary confinement with internet" is probably a better analogy.
I was hoping to hear from anyone in the community who's transitioned from a family dynamic to being on your own, and to learn from any lessons you've picked up along the way. Or just to hear some stories in general about your experiences. Thanks.
Now I’ll focus on practical advise:
- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer.
- besides gym pick an active “hobby”. Cycling, rollerblading, running, skiing, surfing etc. You need self-supporting way to spend time outdoors. Again: do seek instruction.
- learn to play music. It is very healing and rewarding. Also frustrating and hard. Guess what? Take classes. Joining (community) school is great. Getting into local band is amazing. Most importantly here: you do not need to talk to these people. Same goes for drawing studio.
- professional education. Maybe you always wanted to be CPA?
- deep and challenging activities: sailing, diving, flying, mountaineering etc
- checklist reading, movie watching
- study textbooks
- systematic traveling
- volunteer
- build things with your hands and give them away
- learn to recognize your emotional state and how it changes.
My “qualifications”: I was single for ~10+10 years.
Do you people even go to the gym at all?
You need time to recover. Between 3 to 5 days is the most you can humanly do. And that's if you vary your exercises as suggested by a (good) personal trainer. Any more than that and you're just asking for overtraining syndrome. Doubly so if you're nearly 40.
Edit: after seeing the replies here the answer is obviously not. Don't take advice from internet strangers if you don't want to hurt yourselves kids.
This doesn't take into account that your body requires rest, and I don't know how op thinks you can combine this with an active sport like skiing, or something creative like music. You will be drained already from the gym.
I'd say start with 2x a week, and 2 very important points - start gently since by description body isn't used to working out so it may take many weeks for it to grow connective tissue to handle new load; and start with a coach who will not push you like many love to do, but give you a gradual introduction and help avoid beginner's mistakes and injuries.
The main point is to not make every workout a hated chore that must be done, since such motivation won't last very long and subconsciousness will easily find ways to start avoiding that. Everybody I knew that subscribed to such regime from 0 and wanted to be pushed hard gave up in few months. Such a mindset is reserved further down the line, for specific types of personalities and not an universally good approach.
Once some form of affinity if not outright love for workouts and feeling/effects after forms, and routine sets in, find other sports. Don't just do gym mindlessly every day unless that's the only choice of activity... its rather sad use of all that gained potential when there are so many better, more fun & rewarding activities. Do group sports if you like them (I personally don't), and/or join groups of people doing such activities (ie hiking club must be almost everywhere, its such a basic and great thing).
Some 15 years ago I started ie organizing climbing sessions out of loneliness in similar situation as yours and amount of friends and women that entered my life in short period was non-trivial. Thats further down the line, but just a group similarly-minded people are already a massive boost. Be yourself, find your new hobbies or better passions, and this hard period will be over.
Do NOT spend most of your free time in front of screen, playing games or other rather toxic activities. They will make all negative things worse since its a very lonely hobby despite being in contact with many folks (multiplayer, singleplayer is even worse).
I lift four times a week. Two days a week I do intense cardio. One day a week I do something low impact like yoga or a treadmill incline walk. "Active recovery" is not a new concept.
The principle is to be active - treadmill, rowing machine, elliptical, etc on days you're not lifting weights are perfectly reasonable expectation after a few months of adaptation period. You don't have to go to the gym of course, you can do all those activities at home with some very cheap and easy to obtain equipment like rubber bands and/or TRX, but the point I think OP was trying to make is to create opportunities for social interactions.
On days I miss workouts I feel much more groggy and tired, so working out over the years became a necessity which I don't really need to find motivation to do. If you feel bored and tired, try to couple workouts with audiobooks or podcasts, that helps to make the experience more enjoyable and even productive at times.
(I'm nearing 42, working out most of my life 5 days a week at least)
A daily 40 minutes on an exercise bike, rowing machine, or treadmill doesn't seem excessive.
But then I do a cut, and maintain, its only like 20 minutes lifting per week.
Anyway, you are basically repeating broscience. Or maybe after lifting for 14 years, I can handle it.
But also, you can do cardio everyday, that said, I only do 1 hard cardio day per week.
Martial arts usually have physical and technique days alternated, same goes for bouldering, and I imagine many other forms of exercise.
Do I feel better? Yes. Was it hard first 2 weeks? Yes, I had even to resort to painkillers.
I think the best for people who sit a lot are core, mobility and back exercises. Huge motivation for me when I finally started prioritizing back on machines and progressed on all other things and finally look like I go to gym :)
30min resistance and 30min "Jeffing" (called the run-walk method, run-walk-run).
Saturdays since I have more time 1:30hr resistance, 1hr-2hr cycling outside.
Eating healthy is also important, cook for yourself always. Meal prepping saves so much money.
I think time is also against me and life is moving quickly that if I don't spend everyday on body and mind its a wasted day.
Every gym I see in socal is always busy. Bonus, you start to see "regulars" and have someone to say hello to.
Incredible irony here and exactly what I was thinking as I read your comment. Get them internet points, kid!
Your focus should not be in improving yourself and being the best you can be. It's about getting to know yourself better.
What is it that you enjoy. And if you don't know, now's the time to find out. Maybe it's going to the gym, maybe it's finding a great breakfast place. Sitting there, having breakfast, being around other people.
Finding activities that you enjoy doing outdoors, bonus points.
You've already done the first step in asking for advice. Even though it might sound neglectible, that's a great achievement. So many people suffer from depression and have a hard time to take this first step. Congratulations!
Get out there try things, learn who you are. Maybe there's this thing that you always wanted to do places you always wanted to see. Now is the best time to do it. And if there's no such thing, you've been given a great list of things to try.
Best luck to you in this new phase of life!
Strong disagree. It's a different kind of hard. People can handle hard. Running a marathon is hard but a million do so every year for no reason other than maybe it's hard.
The difference between taking care of kids and having a family is that it's meaningful and to most deeply satisfying. Sure there are some people that don't get any satisfaction, but I think it's fair to say that it's not the typical experience across every Western culture.
Let's stop pretending everything is morally equivalent. "I'm raising an autistic child to be a functional member of society", "oh that's nothing! I just mad Diamond II with 61% win rate over 200 games in League!"
I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. There is no "right" or "wrong" person as the world doesn't revolve around you. If you're actually in an abusive relationship, you should get out obviously. But what's the alternative? Drifting. Emptiness. No purpose or companionship. Spending the rest of your lives with pets asking for life hacks on how to manage boredom. Video games, netflix, personal indulgence and self gratification, medication.
This is going to be weirdly controversial on this forum but is advice I would give to my children: most people should aim to do what we've been biologically evolved to do, namely find companionship and love w/ someone and raise a family. If you're an outlier and you have a shot of sending someone to Mars, sure, go all in on that, but for nearly everyone else, this is your best chance for a fulfilling meaningful life.
> I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. There is no "right" or "wrong" person as the world doesn't revolve around you.
Ho boy. Listen, I was married for 6 years, separated / divorced for 5 years, and now have been married for 10 years. You have no idea what kind of hell those last few years of the first marriage were. I had no idea until I'd been separated for a year, and gotten back to some sense of normalcy. I can't even describe to you what it's like to live in a house where you're emotionally wounded continually, or to realize the best you can hope from an attempt at a "date" is "it didn't explode".
One of the problems my ex and I had getting help was that people just couldn't seem to understand how bad it was. We'd describe something, people would say, "Oh yeah, marriage is hard, it will get better." Well no; our marriage was way worse, and it never got better.
The second marriage is so different. It's the kind of hard you're talking about -- we put in effort, it pays off. We argue, then we sort things out. We're not like some movie romance, but we're fundamentally a team. Some part of it is certainly "I learned something"; but a big part of it was definitely "It wasn't all me".
ETA: And, apparently, my ex has now been married to someone else for 11 years. Again, I'm sure she learned something from the disaster of our marriage that helped her in her second one. But I can't help but think there was something more than that: something difference in personality between myself and her current husband, such that she and I couldn't work things out but the two of them can.
Congratulations.
so yeah, your take is controversial, but not why you think
You misunderstood the point. The GP isn’t saying you shouldn’t do that. They’re saying that if you find yourself in the position where you don’t have mutual love for one another, the relationship could be worse for the both of you than if you were both alone.
> I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. There is no "right" or "wrong" person as the world doesn't revolve around you.
It’s subjective. As is love itself.
I hope you’ll find a different way to support your kids if they ever get in a dark and lonely place.
My top advice would be to get an in-person job, even that means less money or moving, or just pivoting to a new industry. Even better find a job where people are your business so you're not pinning everything on socializing with co-workers. The people I know who are like this do jobs where they have to meet/find customers, coordinate people and teams, do on-site projects, etc. They are energized and fulfilled by these interactions even if the job itself isn't that important to them.
It's still hard to do sometimes, like in stronger depressive episodes. But it's way easier than gym at least for me.
Get a personal trainer or try signing up with a CrossFit gym or another gym that has coached classes. You need form instruction, and you need to take it slow.
For me, my mental health and physical health are tied directly to each other and this was the single best thing I did for myself in my late 30s.
OP complains about dreadful 60 hours and not about being too busy. I can relate.
- Working remotely by yourself every day sucks. Get a coworking space, shared office, work from a cafe, at least a few days a week.
- Go out. Riding a bike, hiking or even bringing your dog out three times a day keeps you stimulated and makes your body moving. Go to the mountain, go to the beach, go to rivers and parks.
- Join clubs that interest you. You like cinema? Join cinema a cinema talk, a book club, if you like a sport join a club that organise communal things. Doesn't really matter what, since nowadays there are clubs for everything.
- Take a brake from internet. After work, keep yourself busy doing things that don't involve using a screen and even try some hard blocking method to avoid using tech in public spaces.
All this things might help you finding people to connect. Your initial answer should rewritten: "How to be alone?" -> "How to meet people?". The individualistic culture created in the last few decades, exacerbated by social media create a loneliness epidemic; kids have less friend, same for adults, so many people I met told me that online dating sucks, more and more people are using brain medication for anxiety and depression. The situation is not good and individualistic thinking clearly is not working.
The real trick is not learning to be alone, but re-learning how to make friends and share parts of life with others. Humans are social animals.
The loop seems to go like this: remote working + increasingly isolated-by-default urban cultures => social depression => not having the energy to go out => more social depression
Spending too much time on the internet exacerbates this. It seems like a cure, but is really just empty social calories. And too much news is even worse.
Being in a relationship or having kids provides built-in, daily social stimulation. I can almost guarantee that's what you're missing, even if it doesn't feel like that and/or that doesn't sound appealing.
Your skills around doing that with strangers might have also atrophied (some strangers suck, so why deal with that when you have great people at home?).
But... it is a skill that can be rebuilt!
I'd recommend making a plan for social engagement, that feels right, and sticking to it. And there are tiny steps: taking a book to a local library and reading around other people (instead of alone), starting one conversation with a stranger (no matter how short or simple), walking through a park (with dog!), etc. Anywhere there are other people.
As someone who went through something similar to OP recently, the things that saved me: (1) getting a dog, (2) giving up a remote-only job for a hybrid one, and (3) diving back into dating.*
* Bumble. Yes, it sucked. Imho, best way to approach it: only match with people you'd be interested enough to go on a date with, chat just enough to figure out if you vibe (and learn red flags to watch for), then plan an in-person date, and be honest with them about feelings after the first date.
The best thing is to have the OPTION to either work at home or at the office.
Sometimes, you need the focus. But sometimes, you need to see people.
If I had to choose I'd still go fully remote over having to pointless sit in an office all day, though.
Too late for the OP, but you shouldn't give up on your friends just because you got married.
I’ve had several senior neighbours who passed away, after decades of living alone. We’ve always helped each other in one way or another and when they passed, in all cases I thought back about the last time we talked. In all cases the conversations remembered involved kindness. Either from then to us or from us to them and them being grateful. It’s what remains.
Giving kindness is most satisfying. It makes the receiver happy, but it makes you happy as well in a wat that kind of lasts. It’s an interaction that compounds on both sides. I think that’s why church groups, and mentorships, ans teaching, and advisory roles are satisfying. Teaching, giving, coaching all make life far more vibrant emotionally, and far less lonely.
Giving grows the pie, while zero sum games see it as affixed. Trying to compete in the latter will make you lonely. Trying to grow the pie in any kind of local community might make you see things differently.
He also said to make your bed every morning, which I have done for years. Highly recommend this as it is an act of self care.
Yes, kindness is great, but so is being direct and knowing what you want for yourself. There's literally zero point being kind to someone who is going to take your energy.
If you have community, being kind is a great strategy, but if you are alone then it can be hard (and somewhat risky) to try to go include yourself in a group, especially if you are hurting. The risk is predatory behaviors from others seeing your weakness.
thxxxx
Plenty of people found real connections on dating apps. They can be frustrating but remain a good way to meet people. That being said, different people have vastly different experience there, and it can be very frustrating and demoralizing.
The rabbit hole goes deep, and it will be a fulfilling journey, with all its ups and downs. I won't claim it to be your particular panacea, so I won't force it, and won't judge your response. After all "you know how judgemental christians can be!" - Moral Orel
You wouldn't know it though because we don't go online to say what a good experience it was.
But otherwise I basically agree. I think God is great for you in the psychological short term. Machiavelli to Dostoevsky agree.
Dead Comment
Looking back on the last two years and auditing what worked, I would say routine and lingering were the most important thing.
Trying new things is mentally draining and labor intensive, this is a fact of life for many. What worked for me was finding something I enjoyed (exercise classes) and doing it consistently multiple times a week at the same place for months. With repetition, it's very easy to make new friends. Complaining about one exercise one week turns into making comments about the music the next, and all of a sudden you're getting coffee with friends.
At the start it was very difficult, and I was very bad, but now I'm part of a community and have many close friends. Its a hour per day most days of the week. It's also a jumping off point for everything else social. It provides purpose and self-confidence. Which are prerequisites for everything else meaningful in life.
I'm the type of guy that always moves with purpose. When I'm done doing something, I'm quick to leave. Looking back on my life so far, I think this has often been mistaken as antisocial.
Every event involving humans is default social. Leaving quickly precludes much of life's social whimsy.
When I started my Ph.D. program, there was a weekly seminar that I started going to. At first, I instinctively left each week immediately after the talk was over. But I noticed that a lot of people would hang around afterwards and chat. Even though I found it a bit awkward, I started following their lead -- a habit I'm very glad I developed!
It's a good energy to bring to work or to a crisis. Everywhere else? Maybe not so much. I appreciate you mentioning it here; it can serve me also, as a reminder to work on that.
*Assuming you possess the necessary social skills.
I've trained BJJ consistently for over 4 years now. I think fondly of all the people there and feel accepted, but we barely talk, and I'm unable to participate in the locker room camaraderie.
This is probably not a problem OP has, I just felt the need to complain.
This can be replicated with similar activities that involve a schedule, like joining classes, volunteering, or whatever else fits that kind of setup.
I would try and get something where you can see the results in front of you. I worked years ago at a soup kitchen for the elderly and felt much better for it, than working in a charity shop on a till and feeling like I was just a worker unpaid.
2. Growth is proportional to your willingness to be uncomfortable.
3. Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression.
4. You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change. One of those stages is sadness.
Again, that's okay. You will grow so much as you find new ways to socialize and to enjoy solitude. It will be painful, but that is normal. It is part if the process.
Also again, I'm sorry to hear life took an unexpected turn. I know how hard that can be.
I found out my anxiety symptoms were actually caused by my A1C being in diabetic territory (8%). High blood glucose has a direct impact on the brain and blood vessels. Random heart palpitations, breathing being off, etc. all lined up. I'm so thankful that my doctor had the experience and courage to tell me like it is and refused to believe it was anything truly serious. I brought it down to 5.5% in a few months and now have new cooking and eating habits for life. Too much alcohol can also lead to vitamin deficiencies (magnesium, potassium, zinc, etc. will need blood tests to confirm).
I kinda let myself go for a few years during the shift to remote work back in 2020. After I got back on track I even gained some muscle without weight loss and no longer have sleep apnea. Sleep quality and hydration are also important things that we forget when we are in a slump.
I went on a fiber tear, and it helped with my A1C. Chia seeds and lentils ftw!
However, blood work showed I was deficient in Vitamin-D. So, I added some herculean dosage of fish-oil and prescription Vitamin-D to my life. After about 3 months or so, I am really starting to feel much better and I am starting to notice more productivity gains. The weather is warming up in my area too. That always helps.
Whenever I feel down I try to redirect those thoughts into some new thing that I can do now. Nothing is ever 100% negative. Find those positives, dig them up and display them.
I get through by getting into every single thing I couldn't do before. Just like when I turned 18, I went to every place I could find to get carded. Even a great relationship is work and compromises are made, and it's hard to find the time to do all the things.
This weekend I dug out my trip collection I wasn't allowed to display. I pulled out old photos and hangers that didn't make sense for our blended family but now it's just what I want. I bought some used golf clubs. I rearranged the whole house to suit me (and to fill in the empty parts).
I'd bet your dog never seen either the snow or the beach, so take a whole trip just to do it. Learn to play drums. Spend hours at a bookstore. During a bad breakup some years ago, I volunteered for a campaign and went knocking on doors. Not only did I not get shot but I made some friends, too.
Revel in this phase. Because this will also pass and you'll find something else eventually (if you want to). I'm trying to be the most single I can be to really appreciate this time and learn from it.
You know, looking back at my life so far I realize.. all of my best stories were from my single days.
I think this is a very important observation. I've been through a divorce, and a friend made this observation to me, which I hadn't thought of, and it made a big difference.
I found a book called "Welcome To The Grief Club" by Janine Kwoh that was the right balance of humour for me. It's intended for those dealing with bereavement, and doesn't offer solutions, but I still found it useful for identifying patterns I was experiencing and understanding they were a "normal" part of grief. The brain does some weird things in grief. Only linking here in case it also helps others.
https://www.amazon.com.au/Welcome-Grief-Club-Because-Through...
Other than that, keep trying to do stuff with your time. Check out your local library for events, go an evening course that's at least mildly interesting or honestly, whatever sparks even the tiniest interest or curiosity. There are also sites like meetup.com
If this is too hard for you right now, or even if it isn't try and find reasons to speak to your neighbors or just strangers.
See someone with cool hair at the store? Tell them! "Excuse me, I just wanted to say I think your hair is really cool", or if you see a neighbor or some random person enjoying the weather, looking at a cool car or whatever, say something about it! "woah, lovely weather", "oh, nice cars here today eh?" or whatever.
It often feels weird and awkward, but sometimes people strike up with a small convo and you'll feel connection for a little bit. I used to hate these interactions but I've learned to like them, they are very low-pressure as there isn't anything to maintain.
Good luck and take care
It's not quite that simple. You seem to be hinting at the "chemical imbalance" theory of antidepressants, which has been largely debunked. The reality is much more nuanced and complicated.
Can you say more?
The good news is that situational issues can be fixed but it can take time.
On Thursday’s I would spend time with my friend who’s in his 60s. I might help him fix some shelves or his furnace or whatever in exchange for a meal with him and his wife. We would play a few rounds of pickle ball or go for a bike ride in the evening and then we would sit around and talk.
I had a few other friendships like this. One family where I would spend a lot of time. The children where in their teens and I was friends with them and the parents they treated me as a bit of a son. It was good. I have since moved to a different community and have a very social job now so it’s not as crucial that I make such deliberate efforts to spend time with others.
So my advice is this make deliberate effort to spend time with people. Find people to spend time with involve yourself in their lives. Humans are social we all need some interaction and you can be an asset to others while helping yourself.
Too much time alone will absolutely destroy your mental state. Well it did mine. I have my friends to thank for taking care of me.
I should note many people rely on family for this sort of stuff. I don’t have family close geographically.
Do enough of these kinds of things and not only will you connect with those you serve, but also with those serving others out of love. These are good people to be connected to, especially since you'll become more like them over time.
A lot of this advice for how to improve yourself so that other people like you comes off so incredibly vain, neurotic, and juvenile.
Making friends isn't trivial, but it isn't a complex thing - just ask people you sort of vaguely know to hang out sometimes. Asking people to spend time together is about 10,000,000% more effective than any other strategy.
Seriously, do you only befriend perfect people?
If I may be blunt, it sound more like you might have some self-esteem issues, or shame, or just plain immaturity.