My neighborhood. When we moved in we sat out front every evening, and made small talk with every single person who walked by. Some were caught off guard, some kinda just waved and moved on, but most stopped to talk.
What's interesting is that people who had lived in that neighborhood nearly 20 years together had never talked, and met for the first time as both stopped to chat at nearly the same time.
Then we started with small gifts, usually food because my wife cooks exotic things for people to try. Now we get random gifts, usually food or fruits or some flower or plant.
Now we have little get togethers inviting each other, text to ask if need anything from the store, etc. And all it took was being willing to sit outside for a couple hours each night and say hi.
Yes this exactly. I threw a block party last year and the community loved it and most were like "you know we haven't had one in years."
A year later and we've found lost dogs, gotten people employed and I have some of the best and strongest relationships in years - and my kids have a ton of others to hang with of all ages (7-15)
I host two events. In fall, I’m the pancake breakfast guy and then in spring I’m the crawfish boil guy. I just put flyers on people’s doors before each event. I just think it’s fun and missed the sense of neighborhood community I had as a kid, had my “be the change you want” moment. My kid on the other hand gets a kick out of having everyone know his name and being a hyper local celebrity lol.
My kid would love you for the pancakes, and my wife for the crawfish boil.
Any tips/recipes for the boil? Assuming it's that cajun buttery stuff - I have to drive an hour to get some, and would love to be able to make it as good at home.
We've been doing the same. I recently have gotten into brisket smoking, and for the last few weekends, my wife and kids have been out in the yard every Saturday all day smoking meats. At night we offer some to everybody who walks by.
I'm prepared for this to be an unpopular opinion, but I'm glad my neighbors don't do this.
I know my neighbors well enough. We check each other's mail when they're away and will help out in other ways.
But I have lots of friends to keep up with outside of my neighborhood -- people I have a lot in common with -- my neighbors, not so much. If they wanted to talk with me each time I saw them coming or going, I would likely start actively avoiding them so I could get on my way.
You would love my next door neighbors. They moved in the same week we did 2 years ago. We saw them when they first drove up and enters their garage (middle age couple). Since then, nobody has ever seen them. They never have lights on in their house at night. They never answer their door. They never open their garage and drive away. They never have packages or anything else delivered. They only way we know they are still alive is their trash bins go out and are taken back in every week (though nobody has ever seen them do it) and in the winter you can see the white smoke/condensation from their utility vents.
it's a little dramatic to say it's an unpopular opinion for you to not want to exchange deep hour-long life stories with your neighbor every interaction. of course!
i'm replying because the fact you mention "i know my neighbors well enough" is already the ideal that OP is speaking on. in todays world you can literally not acknowledge your neighbor's existence in all directions and get along 100% just fine. i mean, "borrowing sugar" is why instacart exists!
no no no, you're already doing lovely and agreeing with OP that neighbors, as real human people to honor as existing, is a good thing.
It's sad that modern American yards are so unfriendly to sitting in your front yard, but that can be easily fixed, even within the boundaries of over-zealous HOAs or towns.
Just make a cute little "gate" (it doesn't even need the gate) with flowers at the end of the walkway near the sidewalk, and add in a table and some chairs (or move them out when you go to sit).
Being at the sidewalk vs being 20-40 feet away on a porch makes a huge difference.
Retired city planners never envisioned a world where we were so collectively anxious/antisocial that waving and inviting someone onto your porch 20-40 feet from the sidewalk would be considered a “sad” state of affairs. Is it the planning that’s in a sad state?
There's a rented row cottage near my office where the front fence is made from timber pallets, and appears like a bar with built-in succulent plantings. The tenants at the time used to drag out stools and sit there and chat like it was a wine bar.
We've put seats out on our front porch with a view to one day remembering to actually sit on them. So far, it's just the neighbourhood cats snoozing there when the sun hits the right spot.
This isn't really the case outside of far-flung suburbs and rural areas. Where I live, setbacks of more than 6 feet or so are rare, and front porches and stoops right off the heavily used sidewalks are the norm. We do "porch hangs" with our in-building neighbors, our kids and the kids in the neighboring buildings do sidewalk chalk together, we hang out at the local parks together, bring over friends from nearby neighborhoods, and talk with other parents and stuff.
Being a parent in a child-friendly neighborhood helps a ton with finding a community. Before we had a kid, we'd do things like welcome new neighbors with treats from our favorite bakery and our phone number if they needed anything, being generous with our time and things, etc.
I agree. In my opinion, it's another manifestation of individualism promoted by the capitalist system in the US - in urban design, in this case. Another commenter pointed out how they only see their neighbour when they both walk to or from their car at the same time. It sounds sad to me, but some might prefer it that way.
When my wife and I bought our house last year, we made bags of cookies and visited every neighbor to introduce ourselves. This has paid dividends. In our neighborhood we now have friends we see weekly, people to call upon if we're out of town and need someone to check on the house, and use of two neighbors' pools!
I've got a similar situation here in Baltimore. The community I'm a part of here is like nothing I've ever experienced. We actually have a neighborhood telegram chat of ~70 people where we post about neighborhood events, parties, etc. My wife and I have a great circle of friends within this community and it led us to buy a house a few years back(before the market got all wild). We just had our first kid, and there's plenty of other newborns popping up so I'm looking forward to seeing them all grow up together!
Started doing this to a limited extent. For years I'd have never dreamed of doing this, as I did not want to feel obliged to casual acquaintances, i.e. I feared expectation of friendship that I did not want to reciprocate. Turns out most people are just happy to leave things casual. I don't mind small talk.
Related to why I've had limited friendships. I've wanted fewer, high quality ones as overshooting my social needs is uncomfortable, and I'm a creature of habit. Used to overcorrect towards solitude and that backfires, but I've had friendships in the past where I dreaded having to meet.
A little, but not terribly much. Maybe it's an age thing, I'm not that old (around 40), but I don't feel weird talking to people I don't know - I quite enjoy it. In fact, I felt rather sad since the rise of smartphones, because a lot of places I use to get small talk(barber, airport, etc), everyone is busy or feigning being busy. But when people are just out enjoying the air, they are more free to chat.
The biggest thing to put aside are first impressions/biases - ie, treating people that you wouldn't normally think you'd be friends with the same. As a lot of my neighborhood are older than we are, that was a lot of people. In a way it's like coworkers, you can't pick them, but some end up being great friends.
It also helped to have a really outgoing child. She'd go riding her bike around the neighborhood, and a few people stopped by because "the little girl on the bike said I should come meet you guys."
I will say it was easier, to me, to do so when first moving in. I personally would feel weird if I'd lived somewhere a long time and never bothered to meet anyone, then started acting more social out of nowhere. But that's probably just in my head.
It's funny, in a lot of mainland Europe (i.e. not UK, also not non-rural France IME) that's completely normal. People would rather sit at the front (even if they don't have a garden/balcony/anything at the front, just sit on the doorstep or chair in the street) with a coffee/smoke and chat to neighbours or nearest shopkeeper.
In the UK I think it's probably more common not even to use your private back garden with your own family, because the neighbours are using theirs this evening!
In small towns in Spain is very common, when the weather is good people just sit outside their houses with a chair, and im talking about houses without garden whatsoever, they just sit on the street, of-course its secondary streets where there are almost no cars. Normally people stops to chat, and the more closer neighbors also come to sit.
This worked for me, too (except I’m usually the one walking by rather than the one waving people over to chat).
If you don’t like small talk, a great way to interact with neighbors is to offer your help, e.g. if you see someone doing work outside, gardening, etc… offer to lend a hand!
I have a question. What kind of place do you live in? Is it houses that are apart by some distance -lawns/treelines separating y'all etc-, is it houses that are built next to each other, is it duplexes/townhomes etc?
Excellent question. I live in a neighborhood where each house has 1 acre of land, so a couple hundred feet between houses? Maybe 100-150 houses in the neighborhood. Perfectly flat, few to no big trees or shrubs that would obscure a house - it's in a desert, after all.
What's funny is I picked it because I was tired of having bad neighbors in my previous city. I told my wife this way, I can have bad neighbors, but at least they'll be bad neighbors way over there (pointing). Nearly everyone I've met in this neighborhood said that they picked it for the same reason. And they are the best neighbors I've ever had. So...try to find a neighborhood full of people who want to be away from neighbors?
This question alludes to thoughts about front-yard design space. As houses get closer together, residents still want both connection and privacy. A raised area (porch, patio, etc), frequently provides this. With a raised porch that goes right to the sidewalk, a resident could move their chair close to the edge to talk to pedestrians or move chair away from sidewalk toward house for less talking.
The playborhood people did a similar thing to GP: "Mike also made another simple-but-radical move: In a neighborhood in which front yards are for admiration only, Mike installed a picnic table, close to the sidewalk, where he and his family often sat, so that people walking by would have to talk to them." https://archive.is/uLa77#selection-749.0-749.254
Maybe I'm inferring a subtext here, but I think you're asking about how environment facilitates this. It's definitely true that homes with lawns make this easier than say apartments. Part of this is that you're more likely to spend time outside owning a home as you need to simply work on the yard. But the main causal factor is likely just seeing people frequently. Like one reason it was easier to make friends in school was simply because you sat next to people and see them every day. That builds relationships. The same thing happens with work, you spend 8+ hrs a day there with the same people. Some businesses try to curb this, which is curbing natural human interactions and others encourage it too much which feels forced. Weirdly the most significant factor to building relationships is spending time with people. More so than things like religion (correlates because time in church), politics, or other things that we think are major barriers and encourages us to turn to bubbles.
This is just brilliant! It makes all the difference in a neighbourhood to have folks who seem to genuinely be friendly and caring staying very close by. My wife and I try to do this in neighbourhoods where we stay without being intrusive or too chatty. Works wonders.
I did just this a few days ago, it's incredible how many people will come up and ask to pet your dog. Some will keep moving quickly, others will talk about their own animals, and some will drop little hints about themselves to further a conversation. Aside from everything fun about a companion, it's really is a fantastic feeling to be able to see someones eyes light up, you're brightening up their day!
I'm not the person you're replying to, but we did this in an LA suburb.
Among other things that have resulted from it:
One of our neighbors invites everyone over for 4th of July every year. We have a block party where we block off the street once or twice per year. Neighbors have been over for backyard parties, my wife goes to birthday lunches with the wives on the street, and there's a giant text thread where people ask for help/etc for things.
During the first year of covid, we did a special neighborhood Halloween, where everyone on the block put out bags of candy for neighborhood kids to go house to house and pick up.
Which is kinda funny as my wife hates it and wants to move because gardening here is really hard-to-impossible, but she doesn't want to give up our great neighborhood, so we're at an impasse.
Volunteering. And before you brush it out skeptically, like "oh yeah right, those people", it really doesn't have to be anything you don't care about.
I volunteer at a boat house on the city lake nearby, just putting kids on pedal boats and kayaks. I don't even call it volunteering, I just love kayaks and water.
It's amazing how your perspective of time and people and service shifts, when you spend some time being "in service" to other people, instead of anxiously counting hours that you're being paid for — or could've been paid for — and maximizing "receiving".
I've confirmed for myself time and time again the advice I've read: if you have a busy life and want to increase a feeling that you have more time? — try spending your time for free, for example, volunteering.
I wish this wasn't brushed off, but when I suggest it, frequently, as a scientifically proven method of improving happiness, well, it gets brushed off. I guess it's really difficult to relate just how much it can improve your life. Some of the highlights of my entire life have been coaching 3rd/4th grade girls basketball at a YMCA. Yeah, it's a lot of work at the time, but the memories are priceless, and the benefit to the kids is definite - they tell me, years (and sometimes years and years - with a baby in their arms) later.
Definitely! I like gardening. I started volunteering in a community garden, growing stuff for people who need more food. I like the people I work with, and I enjoy growing vegetables on a bigger scale than I can do in my own garden. And they make tea and cake, and often we get to take home some spare seedlings or whatever.
It's really great, it doesn't feel anything like "free labour", it mostly feels like hanging out with some nice people and doing a fun activity.
+1 to this; some of the best people I've met in my city are from the local DIY bike co-op. I started out walking in to check it out and see if they had any good bikes, and now I open the shop and teach bike repair there once a week with several friends I wouldn't have otherwise met.
I can definitely agree. I used to be very skeptical about how fun or healing volunteering could be. I started volunteering at an animal shelter and beyond being incredibly relaxing - I love animals - it's nice to switch from trying to optimize my career, code, education to just using my hands to help take care of something and meet new people.
My anxiety has gone down a lot since I started doing this and I was able to meet some new people. Strongly recommend trying to volunteer with something you care about
Definitely this. Volunteering is an awesome way to develop community. I struggled to make friends in a new community where I was working remotely for years (pre-COVID). I finally really started connected with people my second season being involved with a youth sports program. 6 years later, we just had 50 people over to our house. 30 of them were connected to that sports program in some way.
My dad met his best friend volunteering with the local soccer league in my hometown. The story I heard years later was that my mom insisted to him that he do something to get out of the house, and two decades later they were still the best of friends—and, in fact, had moved to the same overseas city around the same time.
I intend to try some form of this once I have more leisure time. I'm a parent and I don't see it happening in the foreseeable future unless it involves my kids.
Fortunately, coaching sports for children begins about age 6 in the US and continues through 16+... so there is plenty available.
Scouting (girls or boys, in spite of BSA's recent settlement) continues to add a lot of value to kids' lives, and ime attract many people with a strong moral compass.
Robotics - the FIRST program. Mechanical, EE, or SWE experiences can let you work with teenagers in a very impactful way. This would not require as much of a time commitment as a sport or scouting group.
See if you can look for (or create) opportunities for your kids to practice doing service, and support them. It's an important part of life, like exercise or intellectual growth.
It's almost impossibly easy to find volunteer activities if you have kids, everything from daycare to school to field trips to soccer, they're almost always quite open to volunteer help.
Yeah, personaly I started volunteering when I realised I had a surfeit of free time. I ended with a nearby charity, tutoring high school kids from less privileged background; not necessarily the most fun activity, but at least I got to keep my basic mathematics fresh.
But seeing how much time kids take, I understand not being able to do that now; most of the people in the charity where I volunteer are retired.
One of my obstacles: it's a stones throw away from a retail/service job.
Okay not really. But what I mean is, the way people respect you. My obstacle is my fear of being treated the way I was 15 years ago when I had to work retail before my professional career. In that sense I'm HAPPY that I work behind a computer screen. But I do think it's made me very isolated, introverted, and lonely.
One important difference is that in retail, you had to deal with it, or risk losing your job / getting written up. In volunteering, if someone is being a jerk to you then you can call them out on it. And I think it is less likely you’ll run into a jerk when you’re volunteering. It’s not like working at Walmart.
Wife and I volunteer for our kids school, and also the kids weekend sports (Soccer, Cricket).
We've made a lot of friends through that and because it's all local a strong sense of community between all the families that get involved.
By accident: I went to this boat house a few times just to rent a kayak, and when I was chatting with the person who runs it she asked if I'd want to come volunteer on a weekend — and I did.
People there are the most eclectic mix of backgrounds: the owner is a retired coastal guard, she was in Olympic games in her 20s as a windsurfer. Her partner is a retired engineer, who is helping fixing boats when something breaks. Some local kids and teenagers would come volunteer. Our customers are local families and tourists, enjoying their weekend in the park on the lake. And of course a micro-community of retirees chatting with the boat house owner, sharing gossip and their life stories, bringing ice cream for kids and getting their afternoon sun.
It's been more than a year since I started volunteering there, and it transformed my experience beyond any expectations, filling my days with sun, people, stories, little adventures and camaraderie.
I think volunteering gets brushed off because in many places it is just a pure scam. The organizations collect money and then charge volunteers exorbitant sums for the privilege of working for free.
I looked at volunteering about 15 years ago and from what I saw then, I have never entertained the thought again.
Seems a pretty overly strong statement, no? Is there any research in to percentage of non profit efforts that are/aren't legitimate? Can you elaborate on "what I saw then" that made you think it was indicative of the entire idea of volunteer work?
I have had the opposite experience. All the best people in the world I've met have been volunteering for one thing or another. As a young tech guy I've provided general tech support to as many institutions around me as need it and I've never once felt anyone was anything but earnest. Feels unfair to write so much off. I hope you find an organization you would feel comfortable volunteering for again. It really does provide immense benefit to the mind/heart
^ This sometimes occurs with international volunteering programs ("voluntourism").
Lots of pitfalls and sad stories in that space. Most of the other comments here are discussing helping out with small local orgs which might not be what carlosjobim had in mind.
I got in with a new "startup" community bicycle hub. They were just getting off the ground so it was pretty chaotic at first. Now it's humming along and, from a selfish perspective, my mental health is much better spending a couple hours a week volunteering with them.
This is a bizarre account, and completely dissimilar to anything I've ever heard of or experienced. Any specific organizations you can recall that engaged in this practice?
I'm sorry, but this is an absurd statement that might apply in some extremely narrow niche of "volunteering". But volunteering is a very broad activity that happens in all kinds of organisations, and even without any organisation at all.
It's sort of like you got food poisoning from eating Mexican food once, and from then on, decided to only ever eat burgers for the rest of your life.
A fitness community.
This could be either a BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu) place or even a CrossFit gym. I've done both and while I'm not here to promote CrossFit, I am here to say that a group fitness class is awesome for meeting other people and finding a community of people that do something similar as you, but have absolutely nothing to do with your work.
I workout with Police officers, Lawyers, Doctors, Dentists, Stay at home moms, Accountants, Students, other tech folks, etc, you name it they're all there.
There's something about "shared misery" that brings people together and builds a comrade. That turns into a community where you start to hang out with them out of the gym/etc.
This happens at any group fitness place where the same people show up at the same time to do the same thing. It's natural, organic and freeing.
I've moved across the country 3 times now and this is how I integrated into each area I moved into.
Yup. I joined a climbing gym. Hanging out with a lot of people both older and younger than you is refreshing. Not much shared misery though when it comes to climbing, always had a blast.
Also came here to say climbing (specifically bouldering). I moved to a smaller city in the south last fall and within a month had a handful of new friends through the gym. Pretty soon got in with the crew of folks who worked there, started climbing outside with some of them and eventually ended up working part time at the gym as a side thing.
That being said, I think there's something about the community at this particular gym that is special. I climbed for years at gyms in Chicago and never had anything close to the level of community I found in a couple months down here. I'm sure my attitude / situation had something to do with it, as I went in this time with the intention to make friends and had a lot of free time to be able to spend at the gym; but the gym / community makes a huge difference. Look for smaller / community focused gyms if you can or try out a few different gyms to see if you click with any particular group of people. Try to go to events the gyms put on and be a familiar face.
I think that - unlike many gyms and other fitness communities - it's very welcoming to non-conformistist and people who don't look like typical gym junkies.
It's hard to have an ego when just about everyone gets outclimbed by 12yo girls, and the best climber in the world looks like someone who got fired from a big tech company because he looked too geeky: http://www.alpinist.com/doc/web16f/newswire-ondra-dawn-wall (and I love that even he failed to replicate Lynn Hill's "free climb The Nose in 24 hours" - apparently even Ondra needs to practice Changing Corners).
Also, bouldering in particular is such an intellectual pursuit. It's problem solving under physical pressure, and forces you to think hard about the geometry of your body and how weight works etc.
It's weird, I have done quite a bit of top-roping and bouldering, but never really found it conducive to making friendships. Or maybe I'm just not the right demographic (early 40s, male). Definitely I chat to people about specific problems, but it never really seems to go beyond that.
I joined a rugby team that is open to everyone but highlights lgbt inclusivity in sport. We practice twice a week, have games, and have other events. I've made so many good friends from the team it's hard to keep up with them all.
> There's something about "shared misery" that brings people together and builds a comrade. That turns into a community where you start to hang out with them out of the gym/etc.
Agreed; my outside work community IS my martial arts community. There are the brief moments while waiting that you end up chatting with your partners. Eventually you learn what they do, if they have kids, etc. and since you see them weekly you often times get to share their experiences. When I was in college, it was pretty regular to ask the other people what they were up to that weekend. Next thing you know, you're grabbing food, going out for beers, seeing Marvel movies (personal experience there), or other things.
The shared misery scares people away, but you end up becoming invested in your partners' progress as well. When new students join you also get to serve as a peer mentor because just 6 months ago YOU were in their shoes.
As a counter argument I recently heard, some people dislike the hierarchal structure of martial arts. I can understand, but at least from my experience I enjoy it.
My experience with the hierarchy stuff was a lot worse in "traditional" martial arts versus something like BJJ. You've got a lot of "fake" black belts in TKD in part because it's mostly forms work and not really tested. Some sparing matches go hard, but that's rarely the case as you don't really want to be kicking with full force with your sparing partner. So the skill vs skill tests are much more limited.
In BJJ, you're typically going to be rolling with full effort. You're going to be put in a real choke hold and you're really going to go to sleep if you don't tap. We don't slam the joint locks the way you might see in a tournament setting with money on the line, but a slow and safe arm bar will work as well if you've actually got control of the limb. So for me the ranking in BJJ feels more aligned to actual ability to me than my experience with TKD did because you're getting a real test of your skills every class. The sorting feels more natural and everyone can clearly see the differences in skill play out daily.
You respect your classmates and seniors more because of your experiences rolling with them and less because it's demanded by the belt system and and built in by tradition.
I've had the same experience with the BJJ community. Very positive and welcoming, and an incredible sport for training the mind as well as the body.
Some people get turned off by the behavior of certain fans of UFC but in my experience the groups of people who are starting fights in pubs and people who are actually showing up to intense physical training on a regular basis are mutually exclusive.
To be clear to folks about this - both BJJ and CrossFit have a community element to them. (Especially CrossFit as far as I’ve seen)
I cannot say that is true of everything else. Yoga has no community for most classes you’ll take out there. Same is true of Pilates. A lot of other fitness classes you’d take that are maybe doing HIIT or whatever - it’s gonna be the same show-up and immediately leave type of crowd.
CrossFit and some other fitness activities are very intentional about having a community and making one if it doesn’t exist. That’s why CrossFit was often referred to as a cult. It’s got a large community vibe.
> There's something about "shared misery" that brings people together and builds a comrade.
It's been scientifically proven that this is the way to create strong bonds with people. It's why we are easier to get close with former classmates and co-workers.
My fitness group is the rec basketball league that I participate.
I second that. I do a 5:15 am class on weekdays even during the summer when I don't have to take kids to school. My wife pushes me to sleep in a little and do a later morning class but I would miss my 5:15 crew so I keep getting up at 4:30 a.m. I love the community in CrossFit.
It doesn't even have to be group fitness. I've made great friends at traditional gyms (I train more in a bodybuilding style) just showing up and training.
Reading the comments, I notice a lot of posters seek out tech communities. While I get why a nerd would want to do that, I have a different tendency. Most of my outside-of-work activities are actually not tech related. Sure, I have a bunch of private projects to work on, but I usually do that in single player mode. I picked up a number of "also working in tech" friends over time, and going out with them is still fun and interesting. I also enjoyed the social time at various conferences, meeting likeminded people. But I don't want to spend my after-work-time and weekends with tech folks by default. That is, simply put, too much of one thing. Stepping out of tech is what keeps the dayjob interesting.
I find that sticking with nerdy hobbies, at least where I live, also keeps you in awkward male dominated spaces; MTG, Warhammer, hacker spaces, arcade/video game things, all men.
leaving SF was a godsend. I was tired of everyone being in tech and it's nice interacting with people that are actually diverse and don't all work in the same industry and have the same mindsets.
That's the saddest part about people who moved to SF for tech. They moved here, interacted with their coworkers, who are tech workers, they found roommates through their company, so their roommates are also tech workers, and so all their friends are also tech workers, all the people at parties they go to are tech workers. So it's no surprise all they know of San Francisco is tech. There's more to San Francisco than tech, but if that's all someone ever sees of the city, it's no wonder they drew those conclusions!
Just like I'm glad the people who hated the city left because Covid finally gave them an excuse, I'm also glad the people that failed to see the beautiful wonderful city underneath the moneied veneer of tech are gone as well. It saddens me that the two cities didn't mange to meet and melt in America's mixing pot, but, ah, that's just the way the cookie crumbles.
> I notice a lot of posters seek out tech communities. While I get why a nerd would want to do that, I have a different tendency.
Absolutely! I genuinely enjoy writing code at work, but I literally never do it in my spare time. I already spend a greater number of waking hours in front of my computer than I do with my friends and family (or playing music, or mountain biking, or...).
I do spend a lot of my spare time writing code for free, but I think a healthy, well-rounded person should get outside one genre of activity at least some of the time!
I’m not in SF, so maybe easier for me, but most of my good friends are outside of my industry.
On one hand, it might remove opportunities for networking/progression. On the other hand, I want to get out of my work-self when I’m off the clock and this is better.
I don’t want to talk about work when I’m not at work and although work topics still come up with non-tech folks, it’s easier to not end up in a deluge of techy stuff. And it’s often way more interesting to talk about work when someone is not doing anything closely related to my career (at least for me).
My wife and I sit in the cry room with out little kids, and have gotten to know the people that are there with us. It's gotten to the point where we have started recognizing these people all over town. Very cozy and nice.
I'll say: having kids is obviously itself incredibly meaningful; as an additional benefit: kids are a fantastic ice-breaker/opener for other families with kids.
Our church has a play room with a TV tuned to the livestream. My toddler can make it to the sermon and then heads for the play room. Honestly, it's pretty nice to kick back in a comfy room and play with my daughter while still attending worship.
I live in Seattle, Cap Hill. Before I moved here and when I first moved here (from London) people told me that Seattle was a terrible place to make friends and build a community. My experience has been exactly the opposite; this has been the best place I've ever lived for making friends and building community, especially as a sober person.
The order of importance, I have found community here in:
- Swing dancing, both classes and going to shows with live jazz bands to dance (I was never a dancer before moving here)
- Lifting (there are great locally owned gyms in this neighborhood)
- Getting to know people who own or work at local businesses
- People who have similar tech interests, that I meet from a mixture of the previous 3 places
Finally, and I think this is a really important thing to do, I try to organize events, either in my home or in any one of the local parks in the summer, where friends I've made in different parts of my life all get together and also get to know each other
> Finally, and I think this is a really important thing to do, I try to organize events
This is generally the thing Seattle is missing -- people that organize and then tell people to show up at X place on Y date. Most of the time, it's a million people that all say they would love to hang out more, but nobody ever makes solid plans.
I think it depends on more factors than just location. I am older and live on the eastside of the Seattle metro area, and our neighbors have been generally unfriendly. When we first moved in we invited a number of neighbors to a backyard BBQ, and afterwards, none ever reached back out to us, and even worse, another became extremely aggressive towards us. It's been over four years since.
We're thinking of moving, but housing prices are incredibly high and volatile.
I moved from Bellevue to Seattle proper because I found the neiborhoods there to be insufferable. Like you mentioned: no desire to socialize, hostility to any kind of group activity, serious mistrust of neighbors, etc. There is a reason there are almost no neighborhood bars or “social” areas in Bellevue, just tall office buildings and sprawling McMansions.
Seattle proper is much more pro-social and I probably doubled my happiness when I moved across the bridge.
Swing It Seattle has dances with live bands in Cap Hill at least once a week, and they also have multiple classes going on at any given time. Really pleasant environment, great people, can't recommend it enough!
+1 for this. No church is perfect, but my experience is that church is a place where I can go to gather with people from diverse backgrounds, perspectives, and needs and come together on some common points: we need more than ourselves to make it through life, we need to be kinder, and we should serve each other.
I have seen my congregation rally around new parents, people with mental health conditions, and other such common struggles. Serving others is a great way to feel that you are part of a community. Church can be a great framework for that kind of thing.
While I totally understand why you'd find community there, I am surprised that you'd consider Church to be a place to find people of diverse backgrounds. That hasn't at all been my experience
Yes, I'm a practicing Catholic and attend Church often with my fiancee.
Everyone is welcome to even attend Mass (they just don't receive communion) and participate in activities that we organize. We also have many support groups for elderly, grieving families, young adults and so on.
Additionally, if you want to do volunteer work, contact the closest Catholic Church. You can join pretty much all of the events regardless of your background.
We are not some "exclusive" membership, the doors are open.
This is one of those things where when you realize it, it's almost embarrassing how obvious it should have been.
The Church is 2000 years old. It has outlasted basically any other institution that has ever existed in the history of humanity. The things The Church encourages are:
1) Building families
2) Building communities
3) Using these things to make the world a more loving place through volunteerism
It should not be surprising that this is a good place to make friends and connect with your community.
Church is great for this specifically because it's a social group that spends all its time espousing the idea that all men are created equal, therefore ALL backgrounds are welcome. The most important piece of social mobility is knowing those outside of your economic circle.
Example: You need a job, you know your great buddy Bob has a spot that you could hop into, he knows you pretty well and that you're not an idiot, so he hires you on the spot into a job you never would've had the qualification for otherwise.
The issue I have with churches, specifically Catholic and other large ones, is belonging to and participating in an organization that has collectively done so many bad things to humans just doesn't sit well with me. Then there's the element of collecting money and hoarding it and its a huge turn off.
You may say "the doors are open" and in fact they may be in your local church but official membership has requirements, rules to follow and some larger churches also are very much opposed to equality for all humans. I don't believe the Catholic church (or other denominations of Christianity, or Mormon church) would allow a LGBT couple to officially join.
I understand that yours and others experiences don't reflect the entirety of ~1700 years of the organized state religion of the Roman Empire. When we're talking about finding community outside of work, I find large churches will have a facade of community but in practice are not as welcoming to all.
Start a morning coffee group that meets weekly. Been regularly attending the last decade. A silver lining of the pandemic is now we meet around a morning fire when it's the proper season.
Agree. Obviously if you're a staunch atheist or otherwise just can't stomach the idea of "God," then visiting a church not recommended. But if you grew up Christian and drifted away, or you can entertain the possibility of a higher power, then I recommend checking out a church as a place to find community.
Denominations are different flavors of Christianity, and which denomination you visit is important. I'm personally a member of "The Episcopal Church," which I find to have a very small amount of dogma and is tolerant of a wide range of beliefs. The theological dogma can be summarized in the "Nicene Creed," which is a pretty short list of what the church holds to be true (and even if you as individual differ, TEC is chill about that). After that, members of The Episcopal Church are more united in what they do together rather than what they believe togther - songs, taking communion, common readings, etc. The Episcopl Church is generally one of the more liberal/progressive churches around (we ordain women and LGBTQ individuals into the clergy and perform same-sex marriages, for example).
Otherwise, it's a nice group of people that I see every week. A lot of churches have a "coffee hour" or a meal after the service, and it's a time to chit chat with others. They care about me and I care about them, and people check in on each other to see how everyone is doing. When we had a baby, people brought us food, and we always get cards in the mail for birthdays and such. It's nice.
Since we're a community of people, we can sometimes work together to accomplish things I wouldn't be able to do on my own. We run a food pantry and we've supported families fleeing from bad situations (and not in abstract sense, but doing the legwork of finding an apartment in town and providing furniture and stuff). One family attends our services, and their kid is about my kid's age, so we've become friends over that.
Again, I know religion can invoke strong feelings, so if the very idea is offputting, leave it alone, it's fine. But for me, it's been a community I've appreciated having.
I’m not religious at all, rather agnostic, but my wife is a nonpracticing Christian. (Although I find a good sermon/pastor to be motivating, thought provoking, and just full of basic life lessons that happen to he documented in an old book).
I’m fine with the concept of the right church because of the community effects especially as a parent and wanting my kid to have as many positive role models as possible in his life; peers/adults/seniors. So after many years of being with my wife, we decided to start when my kid was 4. We actually wanted to start earlier but it’s a hard habit to just introduce, then 2020 happened, etc so here we are. It’s been quite a positive adjustment. It’s easy to see the cult and abuse headlines and write it off, but when done right I still think it’s incredibly powerful and religion as a whole is just a framework for peaceful civilization and coexistence with communities.
If they scrapped the sky fairy parts and just made it a weekly social event with interesting speakers and stories then church would actually be quite an attractive option
You might be interested in the Unitarian Universalist Church. I'm not a member so can't speak directly to it, but I'm friends with a few people who are. I once heard it affectionately teased as the place for people who don't believe in God but like going to church.
I expect sect/denomination has an influence here because my experiences in the past were strictly familial, no one made friends there though there are familiar faces. Once service is over, it was Sunday brunch with family.
At any rate, potential friendship is a weak rationalization for joining a religion when there are many avenues to do this.
Imagine going to a movie theater, watching a movie, then leaving and not talking to anyone afterwards. Naturally, that is a terrible way to engage in the movie enthusiast community.
On the other hand, if you spend time with some people, go and watch the movie together, and talk afterwards, it'll feel a whole lot more impactful and you'll find the shared experience fosters a sense of community if you do it on a regular basis.
Denominations, and individual churches within a church, will definitely all have different levels of cohesiveness and character to their communities. It begins and ends, however, with getting out what you put into it.
Personally:
-sports: climbing gyms/trips/facebook groups/etc, bike groups (not exclusively biking alone), hiking trips, etc
Anecdotally:
-drama clubs/local theatre productions
-run clubs: while running is typically fairly isolated, there are social run clubs in cities that often go for a drink (no booze necessary) post-run
-book clubs: random collections of people that discuss a book together
-dinner clubs: sharing food with folks in a way where different people cook for others in turn
-partying: most places have a community of folks that enjoy dancing and/or recreationals
Note that I believe that the strong relationships can come from overcoming a shared struggle, so if you can think of something that's difficult and with one or more other person/people, you will probably form a community around it over time (co-founders and cohorts are a great example).
At least on the coasts, clubs that do outdoors activities are fairly common. Doesn't need to be hardcore. There's the Appalachian Mountain Club in the Northeast US which dates to the 1800s. There are (unsurprisingly) at least a couple different Northern CA/PNW clubs though I'm less familiar with what they offer.
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What's interesting is that people who had lived in that neighborhood nearly 20 years together had never talked, and met for the first time as both stopped to chat at nearly the same time.
Then we started with small gifts, usually food because my wife cooks exotic things for people to try. Now we get random gifts, usually food or fruits or some flower or plant.
Now we have little get togethers inviting each other, text to ask if need anything from the store, etc. And all it took was being willing to sit outside for a couple hours each night and say hi.
A year later and we've found lost dogs, gotten people employed and I have some of the best and strongest relationships in years - and my kids have a ton of others to hang with of all ages (7-15)
When in hard times, build Communities not bunkers
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Any tips/recipes for the boil? Assuming it's that cajun buttery stuff - I have to drive an hour to get some, and would love to be able to make it as good at home.
We've been doing the same. I recently have gotten into brisket smoking, and for the last few weekends, my wife and kids have been out in the yard every Saturday all day smoking meats. At night we offer some to everybody who walks by.
It's really been nice.
I know my neighbors well enough. We check each other's mail when they're away and will help out in other ways.
But I have lots of friends to keep up with outside of my neighborhood -- people I have a lot in common with -- my neighbors, not so much. If they wanted to talk with me each time I saw them coming or going, I would likely start actively avoiding them so I could get on my way.
i'm replying because the fact you mention "i know my neighbors well enough" is already the ideal that OP is speaking on. in todays world you can literally not acknowledge your neighbor's existence in all directions and get along 100% just fine. i mean, "borrowing sugar" is why instacart exists!
no no no, you're already doing lovely and agreeing with OP that neighbors, as real human people to honor as existing, is a good thing.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Kiss_Hello
Just make a cute little "gate" (it doesn't even need the gate) with flowers at the end of the walkway near the sidewalk, and add in a table and some chairs (or move them out when you go to sit).
Being at the sidewalk vs being 20-40 feet away on a porch makes a huge difference.
We've put seats out on our front porch with a view to one day remembering to actually sit on them. So far, it's just the neighbourhood cats snoozing there when the sun hits the right spot.
Being a parent in a child-friendly neighborhood helps a ton with finding a community. Before we had a kid, we'd do things like welcome new neighbors with treats from our favorite bakery and our phone number if they needed anything, being generous with our time and things, etc.
Related to why I've had limited friendships. I've wanted fewer, high quality ones as overshooting my social needs is uncomfortable, and I'm a creature of habit. Used to overcorrect towards solitude and that backfires, but I've had friendships in the past where I dreaded having to meet.
The biggest thing to put aside are first impressions/biases - ie, treating people that you wouldn't normally think you'd be friends with the same. As a lot of my neighborhood are older than we are, that was a lot of people. In a way it's like coworkers, you can't pick them, but some end up being great friends.
It also helped to have a really outgoing child. She'd go riding her bike around the neighborhood, and a few people stopped by because "the little girl on the bike said I should come meet you guys."
I will say it was easier, to me, to do so when first moving in. I personally would feel weird if I'd lived somewhere a long time and never bothered to meet anyone, then started acting more social out of nowhere. But that's probably just in my head.
In the UK I think it's probably more common not even to use your private back garden with your own family, because the neighbours are using theirs this evening!
It’s not the sad isolating culture leading to cars it’s the reverse. Who wants to sit outside with cars driving nearby?
If you don’t like small talk, a great way to interact with neighbors is to offer your help, e.g. if you see someone doing work outside, gardening, etc… offer to lend a hand!
I have a question. What kind of place do you live in? Is it houses that are apart by some distance -lawns/treelines separating y'all etc-, is it houses that are built next to each other, is it duplexes/townhomes etc?
What's funny is I picked it because I was tired of having bad neighbors in my previous city. I told my wife this way, I can have bad neighbors, but at least they'll be bad neighbors way over there (pointing). Nearly everyone I've met in this neighborhood said that they picked it for the same reason. And they are the best neighbors I've ever had. So...try to find a neighborhood full of people who want to be away from neighbors?
The playborhood people did a similar thing to GP: "Mike also made another simple-but-radical move: In a neighborhood in which front yards are for admiration only, Mike installed a picnic table, close to the sidewalk, where he and his family often sat, so that people walking by would have to talk to them." https://archive.is/uLa77#selection-749.0-749.254
I have one thing to add if you can pull it off: get a dog, and walk the dog around then neighborhood. I've met so many cool people that way.
reminds me of The Balcony Movie (saw on Mubi).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e58xwcNzjb0
...and, this is kind of the idea behind this -- for apartment-dwellers.
https://myapartmentfamily.com/
Among other things that have resulted from it:
One of our neighbors invites everyone over for 4th of July every year. We have a block party where we block off the street once or twice per year. Neighbors have been over for backyard parties, my wife goes to birthday lunches with the wives on the street, and there's a giant text thread where people ask for help/etc for things.
During the first year of covid, we did a special neighborhood Halloween, where everyone on the block put out bags of candy for neighborhood kids to go house to house and pick up.
Which is kinda funny as my wife hates it and wants to move because gardening here is really hard-to-impossible, but she doesn't want to give up our great neighborhood, so we're at an impasse.
I volunteer at a boat house on the city lake nearby, just putting kids on pedal boats and kayaks. I don't even call it volunteering, I just love kayaks and water.
It's amazing how your perspective of time and people and service shifts, when you spend some time being "in service" to other people, instead of anxiously counting hours that you're being paid for — or could've been paid for — and maximizing "receiving".
I've confirmed for myself time and time again the advice I've read: if you have a busy life and want to increase a feeling that you have more time? — try spending your time for free, for example, volunteering.
Imma second request for that citation, chief.
It's really great, it doesn't feel anything like "free labour", it mostly feels like hanging out with some nice people and doing a fun activity.
How did you get started? Did you just offer your help directly to the community garden?
My anxiety has gone down a lot since I started doing this and I was able to meet some new people. Strongly recommend trying to volunteer with something you care about
- happen fast - suffer near no management bullshit - have social usefulness
boggles my mind how it's not the norm
Scouting (girls or boys, in spite of BSA's recent settlement) continues to add a lot of value to kids' lives, and ime attract many people with a strong moral compass.
Robotics - the FIRST program. Mechanical, EE, or SWE experiences can let you work with teenagers in a very impactful way. This would not require as much of a time commitment as a sport or scouting group.
But seeing how much time kids take, I understand not being able to do that now; most of the people in the charity where I volunteer are retired.
Okay not really. But what I mean is, the way people respect you. My obstacle is my fear of being treated the way I was 15 years ago when I had to work retail before my professional career. In that sense I'm HAPPY that I work behind a computer screen. But I do think it's made me very isolated, introverted, and lonely.
People there are the most eclectic mix of backgrounds: the owner is a retired coastal guard, she was in Olympic games in her 20s as a windsurfer. Her partner is a retired engineer, who is helping fixing boats when something breaks. Some local kids and teenagers would come volunteer. Our customers are local families and tourists, enjoying their weekend in the park on the lake. And of course a micro-community of retirees chatting with the boat house owner, sharing gossip and their life stories, bringing ice cream for kids and getting their afternoon sun.
It's been more than a year since I started volunteering there, and it transformed my experience beyond any expectations, filling my days with sun, people, stories, little adventures and camaraderie.
My wife and I started volunteering at the Zoo, and it's been an awesome experience!
I looked at volunteering about 15 years ago and from what I saw then, I have never entertained the thought again.
Seems a pretty overly strong statement, no? Is there any research in to percentage of non profit efforts that are/aren't legitimate? Can you elaborate on "what I saw then" that made you think it was indicative of the entire idea of volunteer work?
I have had the opposite experience. All the best people in the world I've met have been volunteering for one thing or another. As a young tech guy I've provided general tech support to as many institutions around me as need it and I've never once felt anyone was anything but earnest. Feels unfair to write so much off. I hope you find an organization you would feel comfortable volunteering for again. It really does provide immense benefit to the mind/heart
Lots of pitfalls and sad stories in that space. Most of the other comments here are discussing helping out with small local orgs which might not be what carlosjobim had in mind.
Huh, they charge volunteers to work for free? Why would anyone ever do that?
It's sort of like you got food poisoning from eating Mexican food once, and from then on, decided to only ever eat burgers for the rest of your life.
I workout with Police officers, Lawyers, Doctors, Dentists, Stay at home moms, Accountants, Students, other tech folks, etc, you name it they're all there.
There's something about "shared misery" that brings people together and builds a comrade. That turns into a community where you start to hang out with them out of the gym/etc.
This happens at any group fitness place where the same people show up at the same time to do the same thing. It's natural, organic and freeing.
I've moved across the country 3 times now and this is how I integrated into each area I moved into.
That being said, I think there's something about the community at this particular gym that is special. I climbed for years at gyms in Chicago and never had anything close to the level of community I found in a couple months down here. I'm sure my attitude / situation had something to do with it, as I went in this time with the intention to make friends and had a lot of free time to be able to spend at the gym; but the gym / community makes a huge difference. Look for smaller / community focused gyms if you can or try out a few different gyms to see if you click with any particular group of people. Try to go to events the gyms put on and be a familiar face.
I think that - unlike many gyms and other fitness communities - it's very welcoming to non-conformistist and people who don't look like typical gym junkies.
It's hard to have an ego when just about everyone gets outclimbed by 12yo girls, and the best climber in the world looks like someone who got fired from a big tech company because he looked too geeky: http://www.alpinist.com/doc/web16f/newswire-ondra-dawn-wall (and I love that even he failed to replicate Lynn Hill's "free climb The Nose in 24 hours" - apparently even Ondra needs to practice Changing Corners).
Also, bouldering in particular is such an intellectual pursuit. It's problem solving under physical pressure, and forces you to think hard about the geometry of your body and how weight works etc.
I joined a rugby team that is open to everyone but highlights lgbt inclusivity in sport. We practice twice a week, have games, and have other events. I've made so many good friends from the team it's hard to keep up with them all.
Staying fit with them is an added bonus.
Agreed; my outside work community IS my martial arts community. There are the brief moments while waiting that you end up chatting with your partners. Eventually you learn what they do, if they have kids, etc. and since you see them weekly you often times get to share their experiences. When I was in college, it was pretty regular to ask the other people what they were up to that weekend. Next thing you know, you're grabbing food, going out for beers, seeing Marvel movies (personal experience there), or other things.
The shared misery scares people away, but you end up becoming invested in your partners' progress as well. When new students join you also get to serve as a peer mentor because just 6 months ago YOU were in their shoes.
As a counter argument I recently heard, some people dislike the hierarchal structure of martial arts. I can understand, but at least from my experience I enjoy it.
In BJJ, you're typically going to be rolling with full effort. You're going to be put in a real choke hold and you're really going to go to sleep if you don't tap. We don't slam the joint locks the way you might see in a tournament setting with money on the line, but a slow and safe arm bar will work as well if you've actually got control of the limb. So for me the ranking in BJJ feels more aligned to actual ability to me than my experience with TKD did because you're getting a real test of your skills every class. The sorting feels more natural and everyone can clearly see the differences in skill play out daily.
You respect your classmates and seniors more because of your experiences rolling with them and less because it's demanded by the belt system and and built in by tradition.
Some people get turned off by the behavior of certain fans of UFC but in my experience the groups of people who are starting fights in pubs and people who are actually showing up to intense physical training on a regular basis are mutually exclusive.
I cannot say that is true of everything else. Yoga has no community for most classes you’ll take out there. Same is true of Pilates. A lot of other fitness classes you’d take that are maybe doing HIIT or whatever - it’s gonna be the same show-up and immediately leave type of crowd.
CrossFit and some other fitness activities are very intentional about having a community and making one if it doesn’t exist. That’s why CrossFit was often referred to as a cult. It’s got a large community vibe.
It's been scientifically proven that this is the way to create strong bonds with people. It's why we are easier to get close with former classmates and co-workers.
My fitness group is the rec basketball league that I participate.
Just like I'm glad the people who hated the city left because Covid finally gave them an excuse, I'm also glad the people that failed to see the beautiful wonderful city underneath the moneied veneer of tech are gone as well. It saddens me that the two cities didn't mange to meet and melt in America's mixing pot, but, ah, that's just the way the cookie crumbles.
Absolutely! I genuinely enjoy writing code at work, but I literally never do it in my spare time. I already spend a greater number of waking hours in front of my computer than I do with my friends and family (or playing music, or mountain biking, or...).
On one hand, it might remove opportunities for networking/progression. On the other hand, I want to get out of my work-self when I’m off the clock and this is better.
I don’t want to talk about work when I’m not at work and although work topics still come up with non-tech folks, it’s easier to not end up in a deluge of techy stuff. And it’s often way more interesting to talk about work when someone is not doing anything closely related to my career (at least for me).
My wife and I sit in the cry room with out little kids, and have gotten to know the people that are there with us. It's gotten to the point where we have started recognizing these people all over town. Very cozy and nice.
I'll say: having kids is obviously itself incredibly meaningful; as an additional benefit: kids are a fantastic ice-breaker/opener for other families with kids.
And yes, a great side perk of having children is connecting with other parents :)
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The order of importance, I have found community here in:
- Swing dancing, both classes and going to shows with live jazz bands to dance (I was never a dancer before moving here)
- Lifting (there are great locally owned gyms in this neighborhood)
- Getting to know people who own or work at local businesses
- People who have similar tech interests, that I meet from a mixture of the previous 3 places
Finally, and I think this is a really important thing to do, I try to organize events, either in my home or in any one of the local parks in the summer, where friends I've made in different parts of my life all get together and also get to know each other
This is generally the thing Seattle is missing -- people that organize and then tell people to show up at X place on Y date. Most of the time, it's a million people that all say they would love to hang out more, but nobody ever makes solid plans.
We're thinking of moving, but housing prices are incredibly high and volatile.
I moved from Bellevue to Seattle proper because I found the neiborhoods there to be insufferable. Like you mentioned: no desire to socialize, hostility to any kind of group activity, serious mistrust of neighbors, etc. There is a reason there are almost no neighborhood bars or “social” areas in Bellevue, just tall office buildings and sprawling McMansions.
Seattle proper is much more pro-social and I probably doubled my happiness when I moved across the bridge.
And I completely agree about event organization! It really introduces you to a wider swath of people than your initial search may have turned up.
Way to go!
Swing It Seattle? Me and my wife go to the wednesday dances :-)
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Of course it will not be for everyone, but if you are open to it you can try.
I have seen my congregation rally around new parents, people with mental health conditions, and other such common struggles. Serving others is a great way to feel that you are part of a community. Church can be a great framework for that kind of thing.
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Everyone is welcome to even attend Mass (they just don't receive communion) and participate in activities that we organize. We also have many support groups for elderly, grieving families, young adults and so on.
Additionally, if you want to do volunteer work, contact the closest Catholic Church. You can join pretty much all of the events regardless of your background.
We are not some "exclusive" membership, the doors are open.
The Church is 2000 years old. It has outlasted basically any other institution that has ever existed in the history of humanity. The things The Church encourages are:
1) Building families
2) Building communities
3) Using these things to make the world a more loving place through volunteerism
It should not be surprising that this is a good place to make friends and connect with your community.
Example: You need a job, you know your great buddy Bob has a spot that you could hop into, he knows you pretty well and that you're not an idiot, so he hires you on the spot into a job you never would've had the qualification for otherwise.
You may say "the doors are open" and in fact they may be in your local church but official membership has requirements, rules to follow and some larger churches also are very much opposed to equality for all humans. I don't believe the Catholic church (or other denominations of Christianity, or Mormon church) would allow a LGBT couple to officially join.
I understand that yours and others experiences don't reflect the entirety of ~1700 years of the organized state religion of the Roman Empire. When we're talking about finding community outside of work, I find large churches will have a facade of community but in practice are not as welcoming to all.
Denominations are different flavors of Christianity, and which denomination you visit is important. I'm personally a member of "The Episcopal Church," which I find to have a very small amount of dogma and is tolerant of a wide range of beliefs. The theological dogma can be summarized in the "Nicene Creed," which is a pretty short list of what the church holds to be true (and even if you as individual differ, TEC is chill about that). After that, members of The Episcopal Church are more united in what they do together rather than what they believe togther - songs, taking communion, common readings, etc. The Episcopl Church is generally one of the more liberal/progressive churches around (we ordain women and LGBTQ individuals into the clergy and perform same-sex marriages, for example).
Otherwise, it's a nice group of people that I see every week. A lot of churches have a "coffee hour" or a meal after the service, and it's a time to chit chat with others. They care about me and I care about them, and people check in on each other to see how everyone is doing. When we had a baby, people brought us food, and we always get cards in the mail for birthdays and such. It's nice.
Since we're a community of people, we can sometimes work together to accomplish things I wouldn't be able to do on my own. We run a food pantry and we've supported families fleeing from bad situations (and not in abstract sense, but doing the legwork of finding an apartment in town and providing furniture and stuff). One family attends our services, and their kid is about my kid's age, so we've become friends over that.
Again, I know religion can invoke strong feelings, so if the very idea is offputting, leave it alone, it's fine. But for me, it's been a community I've appreciated having.
I’m fine with the concept of the right church because of the community effects especially as a parent and wanting my kid to have as many positive role models as possible in his life; peers/adults/seniors. So after many years of being with my wife, we decided to start when my kid was 4. We actually wanted to start earlier but it’s a hard habit to just introduce, then 2020 happened, etc so here we are. It’s been quite a positive adjustment. It’s easy to see the cult and abuse headlines and write it off, but when done right I still think it’s incredibly powerful and religion as a whole is just a framework for peaceful civilization and coexistence with communities.
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For those who are spiritual but not Christian, there's also the Unitarian Universalist Association: https://www.uua.org/
At any rate, potential friendship is a weak rationalization for joining a religion when there are many avenues to do this.
On the other hand, if you spend time with some people, go and watch the movie together, and talk afterwards, it'll feel a whole lot more impactful and you'll find the shared experience fosters a sense of community if you do it on a regular basis.
Denominations, and individual churches within a church, will definitely all have different levels of cohesiveness and character to their communities. It begins and ends, however, with getting out what you put into it.
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Anecdotally: -drama clubs/local theatre productions -run clubs: while running is typically fairly isolated, there are social run clubs in cities that often go for a drink (no booze necessary) post-run -book clubs: random collections of people that discuss a book together -dinner clubs: sharing food with folks in a way where different people cook for others in turn -partying: most places have a community of folks that enjoy dancing and/or recreationals
Note that I believe that the strong relationships can come from overcoming a shared struggle, so if you can think of something that's difficult and with one or more other person/people, you will probably form a community around it over time (co-founders and cohorts are a great example).