Most of us old timers have been there, done that. At some level, it never changes.

It is VERY difficult for work to provide your true meaning in life. 95% of software is personal preference. Most code will be thrown away when priorities change. Do the best you can and learn when you can. Management will always make poor decisions and are usually not interested in unfortunate truths. Work should only be what is required to gain money to pay for living.

The change has to be in you. Finding a hobby or raison dêtre makes waking up easy. Having something to look forward to is key. Once work is something to just finish changes everything. Respect your "you" time and turn off all notifications from work you can. Find something that does bring you joy and do that until it doesn't. Then search for a new thing. Too often we expect a brutal competitive job to also provide us peace and tranquility. They are best kept separated in my experience.

Obviously I don't have the details of your situation, but using terms like love or hate my job are a warning sign.

First, I would advice to stop using the love your job mental model. Instead look into the concept of "Career Capital" from So good they can't ignore you.

Second, here is another mental framework and exercise that I recommend to my mentees. Rather than thinking about job satisfaction as a line between "love" and "hate", think of it as a measure in a multidimensional space. Maybe you work with cool tech, but the commute is killing you. Maybe you have tons of fun with you colleagues, but it pays way below market.

Every day write down your mood, and what caused that mood. Maybe you are angry because of a bad interaction with your boss. Maybe you are unhappy because Tim got the new cool project again and you are stuck doing grunt work. Maybe you had fun when you went out for lunch with your team.

Once you have enough data points you can start observing patterns. I find people hardly ever completely hate every single aspect of their jobs. Most often there is a few factors driving the dissatisfaction, that paint the whole experience badly.

Then you can decide what step to take next to improve on those points. Some actions might include doing things differently in your current position, change teams or change companies (it hardly ever comes down to changing careers).

You might be thinking that this is a very long winded way of telling you to change jobs, but the self reflection step is important. I've seen people change jobs because they were unhappy, just to be unhappy in their next job. Often the reason is that they misinterpreted the reason of their unhappiness. Without that awareness they are bound to find themselves in the same situations over and over.

As a side note this isn't a replacement for help with anxiety and despair. If needed be look for professional help. Best of luck.

[1] https://www.amazon.com/Good-They-Cant-Ignore-You/dp/14555091...

This is why, in retrospect, I miss my days as a junior engineer.

When I was a junior, there was plenty of room to learn and screw things up without much risk. I had plenty of opportunities to write brand new software for any which purpose, and the possibility of advancement was really exciting.

The longer my career went on, the more my job became about fixing crap, fighting brittle tests, and trying to squeeze enough information out of the org so I could actually get my job done properly. Now that I'm a senior engineer making above the average income for the role, the only advancement left for me is to become a lead or staff engineer, neither of which I am at all suited for. In either case, it would be more of the same.

I'd have more to say, but I've got to hop on a pair programming call with someone. :)

Don’t despair, it doesn’t have to be like that. Plenty of us have been doing this for decades and are still excited for what we get to create every day.

Sounds like you need to escape your current environment.

I'm on the other side of the slump you're in. Also a career switcher over 30. I stuck it out in the same job because I had a lot of other stuff to work on in life and wanted to make use of my health insurance. And over time it got better, even though I still wanted to leave often, mostly because my skill level and confidence rose and I could more easily say "no".

But honestly, take a little bit of time every week, even if it's just 1hr a week, to start looking for a new job. There are better workplaces. And if you start interviewing now as much as you can stand, you'll be ready when you get a chance to actually jump into something better.

I just got laid off (8 years into "career" or whatever) after months of my manager basically making me dread waking up, going to such lengths as to say I was refusing work when I was trying to manage the workload more sensibly and create new tickets for issues that were discovered during the sprint so that they could be dealt with when my priorities were taken care of. Some managers are garbage.

Nobody loves a job where people constantly make bad decisions(or decisions you're not involved in) and you don't feel like you're doing the right thing(when you could be).

You're morally hijacked. That's no way to live a working life.

I've been there. Find someone to talk to before you crash. And take a vacation if you can. Travel to a different country, experience something completely different. Also, find another job. All companies are different.

Stress is good if there's a lion praying on you and you need to take immediate action to avoid being eaten. With this constant work stress it's like there's a lion nearby all the time. It's difficult to enjoy a dinner in a nice restaurant if you're about to be eaten by a lion. The brain doesn't distinguish stress caused by deadlines from stress caused by a deadly animal who can attack at any time.

You are the most important person in your life. Don't forget that. <3

If you‘re only 2.5 years in there‘s plenty if time to look for something else. Maybe you have a talent or skill that can get you closer to being happy

Try that with 15 or 20 years under your belt and a mortgage and a family… it‘s hard

FWIW, I myself have to stop myself from caring as much, otherwise I get depressed and paralyzed by decision fatigue and deadlines. When someone sets an unrealistic deadline, that must their cross to bear. I like many parts of my job, the people there are good to work with, but we are a bit one dimensional and never reserve time for anything just social or fun. It was fun for a couple of years, but now I actually miss some team building fun a couple of times every year! I dont really feel anxiety Sundays, but I do worry if there is a crisis when I'm on holiday...

Sending you a lot of love my friend!

I would suggest to get a therapist. Don't overthink it and don't search for the best one. Just find someone to share what you are going through. Sometimes it can be even a good friend. It will help you a lot to take this rock of your chest for now. I didn't try BetterHelp, but people talk good things about it and it might actually be the fastest way to reach a therapist depending on where you live. If you can't afford a therapist, I recommended in my article to try "Woebot Chat App". It really helped me when I didn't have the money to afford a therapist!

But this of course won't just fix your situation right away. You will need to change some things in your life. Sometimes even your identity in terms of who you are and what you do daily. Maybe change your environment, cut toxic friends, etc.

It's a long way, but trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Even, if it sounds cliché!

Feel free to email me at: me@andreizgirvaci.com. Sometimes just sharing with someone what you are going through and knowing there are people who listen can make a very big difference!

Again, sending you much love! <3

The mental state you describe is not at all unusual for someone working in tech. Try working in the public sector (gov't / academia / non-profit etc) . You won't get paid as much (although you might get a decent pension and other perks). There may be a certain amount of beaurocracy / other nonsense. However, chances are you get to work on interesting stuff with nice people, and since the profit motive is missing, the stress and crazy deadlines are less. You get to do things of long-term value, and deliver things for the sake of delivering them, rather than to get customers paying £/$ by time X. Flexible or even part-time working policies can be more common too. I've worked more in private sector than public, but now in public hopefully for long-term. Its certainly worth spending some time in private sector, but public sector has. a lot to offer too especially as you get older and/or have kids, etc. Good luck :)

Is your manager or anyone else in the team harassing you?

If not, then your anxiety might come from an expectation that you must love every part of your job. Use something like pomodoro (this is simple and works: https://brainpls.work/) to do one task at a time. Once your work day is over, go do something you enjoy.

The sibling comment has the right of it from snarf21. Rarely does a job bring you into a state of self actualization. If it does, you're very fortunate!

I'm coming up on my second decade in the tech industry, and all I can say is you gotta find out what fills you up and do that outside of work like the others have said. I started out in the game industry thinking I had finally arrived, but quickly burned out and moved into web dev for most of my career.

I find working on pixel art, music, and tech in concert very fulfilling, but I don't think I could ever cede this to a company for marketing/support/etc. or turn it into some sort of income to pay my bills. Ultimately I set clear boundaries around work for delivering on my workload inside normal business hours and outside of that is fully my time.

i was like this once, i broke down in tears each morning on the way to work because i hated it so much. I finally quit and got a different job (still doing software dev) and everything was so much better, i swear to god, even sunlight seemed brighter and warmer.

Verbalizing and doing so publicly is already an immense step.

You told us what you dislike but what would you personally prefer ? is it only a manager level issue or maybe there are problems in how the team works ?

> ... and/or doing the right thing.

As long as it is ethical, doing the "right thing" is doing what you're paid to do. If that means, for example, ship code that you might not like or think is not perfect, that's fine. It's not your code.

Don't worry, if you're still coding at 50, you'll have learned that you are not your job. As Elsa says, Let it go.

Switch jobs if you can! It's the best way to learn and get out of the tunnel vision. (That said, too much job switching can be a red flag.)

You definitely need a new job. All jobs have their ups and downs, but they don't need to be all downs.

are you me? hah :/

Agree, the article had me invested in the issue of anxiety but the sales pitch at the end made the whole article a little disingenuous. But it was still a good read. I think if the sales pitch was separated into another section below, so that it doesn't seem like it is part of the article, it might've worked a little better.

It makes me wonder a little bit. Does the author want to help the reader out of his good will or is it purely for profit (and a clever way of copywriting)? or is it both?

I am sorry that you didn't get any value from reading my article. I only mentioned the program at the end and it's something optional if the reader is interested in. I am not forcing anyone to buy my program and also not saying that you can only overcome anxiety if you buy my program. The heading "How to overcome anxiety?" comes with tools and practical tips that helped me on my healing journey. If you have some recommendations on what helps you with deal with stress, etc., I would love to hear it as it will probably be beneficial to others too. Thanks for the feedback!

Not to mention no disclosures on using referral links to the mindfulness app and probably elsewhere. Bad look all around.

you feel betrayed because he played on your emotions to promote his product ? yet that's how most of ads/marketing works

> You don't need to pay somebody

Your advice is good but there's nothing wrong with getting a professional to help you if you have the means. I've made more progress in the last two years with a good therapist than in twenty years of reading self-help books.

It's hard to overstate how much a good mentor/coach can improve your progress in almost every endeavor.

Totally agree on the The Body Keeps the Score. It was a hard read at the time as the author described hard scenes which I would start feeling anxious just listening about them, but it was necessary for me to understand how is the trauma stored in the body and what to do with it. I totally forgot to add this book in my recommendations. It's added now. Thanks!

I agree, you don't have to pay for my program $75-$150 to overcome Anxiety. You can totally do that with a Therapist or by yourself, which in my case was a combination of both, but also I went through some anxiety programs that gave me information that the Therapist didn't gave me at the time even when working with multiple ones.

I also believe I gave enough tools and practical tips in this article that someone can try and apply in their daily without paying me anything as I am happy to share with them for Free as long as it helps even 1 person. I also was doing that with my podcast while not charging anything. But, I can see your point of view tho!

Seconding "The Body Keeps the Score" as a great resource. It's written in a plain, non-condescending tone and carries valuable insights about self-harming behaviour.

I also, included a disclaimer that people don't need to buy my program in order to overcome anxiety. I assumed it was clear in the article, but I guess not, so I added that too. Hope it helps :)

Awesome.

In my case I took the second option. When I was younger I used to get stressed about not being able to implement what I thought was best in terms of code/design.

Now I just do what I'm told (at a very moderate pace) and focus my energy on my hobbies and family.

> There are two ways you can overcome it: gain control or relinquish the desire for control.

What if both of these are difficult? and how would you relinquish the desire?

Breaking a habit is usually very hard, so kudos to you for stopping. Everything should be in moderation. Alcohol/Coffee can definitely backfire. And taking a break from them even for a short time can make such a huge difference. It will give you that extra mental energy to get on things that can actually benefit you like exercising, meditating or anything else that will be beneficial!

I have the same issue, with serious migraines if I don't find a way to wind down and stop coding. Vaping THC at night after working out has worked for me. It gets me out talking to my family, playing guitar and singing, and enjoying otherwise boring pastimes like listening to music and watching sports/movies.

Mindfulness and exercise are great, and I'd like to add fresh air and in-person socialization.

Having 0 energy after work means you either need to try less at work or you're depressed. You should have ~4 hours of energy after the workday ends.

Are you on adderall? That can cause a brutal end of day crash.