I remember parties at friends places, for housewarmings, birthdays, holidays, sports games, barbecuing, karaoke, whatever. I remember parties at work, for people joining the team, for people leaving, for projects kicking off or finishing.
Now my kids are older and it seems that only they get to party. I try my best, invited some people for parties, but we never seem to get invites in return.
Hypotheses I have so far:
- I'm just getting old (closing in on 50) and people my age don't party anymore
- COVID happened and we still haven't restarted partying the way we used to
- I'm just unlucky with my set of friends and need to renew my friendships
Very interested in both macro trends (eg is partying overall just down) as well as things that you've done at individual level to restart party life.
We ended up doing a full-weekend party where people could drop by whenever they can. The first guests came on Friday around 6 pm and the last ones left on Sunday at 11 pm. In the end people were spread out evenly. Some came with kids in the day, others alone in the evening. This way there was really time to sit down and talk with old friends whom I hadn't seen in years or even decades.
For food, we ended up having ingredients in the fridge for a few quick foods like Vietnamese rice paper rolls, and we'd make it together with new guests if they were hungry. It worked out fine.
Of course dedicating the entire weekend to a party is a big commitment, but I think it actually reduced the level of stress compared to trying to do a traditional "dense" party on Saturday night.
You don't have to be around for the whole thing either, you can easily take some time to read or otherwise relax if you have enough friends coming over - nothing weird about friends hanging out in your house without you present.
I used to give out house keys to most of my friends and encourage them to come by whenever - if I'm not around, if I'm busy, or just plain exhausted, I won't hang out, but it's still a safe and fun place for people to gather. This often led to spontaneous 'parties'. I remember once a friend was in the area and came over with ingredients for a dish she had been wanting to create. Enough people ended up randomly showing up, it led to one of the most memorable and wonderful dinner parties of my life!
Now I just need money to get a house in HCOL area where most of my friends are...
I don’t know how to cultivate this kind of community. It’s not something I grew up with. I moved around a lot, and have recently realized that post-Covid I have nearly no friends.
While I don’t miss commuting, or open offices, I do deeply miss the sense of community that used to exist in the tier 1 tech cities.
In retrospect the COVID years were much better for my social life than the last six months. During COVID, people were really looking forward to interact with people, and would jump into activities as long as it was online, or if you did a quick test before meeting.
But now people went back to their busy schedules of solo activities outside the house and they're tired, and there's no time for concerts together, no time for going to a soccer game, no time for playing board games or going for a hike.
Unless you're willing to compromise and do something you're not really into (I'm not good with FPS games, Allan, sorry), people are gonna do their own things and "mandatory socialization" seems enough for them.
If I had a whole weekend of drop-ins I would isolate myself a week after.
You are right that making more than one person agree on a time gets increasingly difficult as age increases. I tend to be the one that travels to friend's homes, because I have a less crowded agenda than most of them.
It recently occurred to me how important my fraternal org is in my life after taking some time away from it. Showing up to see 30 or so guys who aren't family, and who were happy enough to see me, say hello, have a pint, dinner and small talk is maybe a once a year experience for most guys over 40, but for me it's about 10x/year, just with that group. There's a natural filter, where you don't have to re-negotiate all these anxieties every time you try to get people together.
One reason parties disappeared is because we have encouraged widespread neuroticism and anxiety about maintaining purity in different and various forms, and that intolerance has effectively eroded the social fabric. Surely we can hav e new kinds parties, ones that are lame, and that nobody enjoys, but we can have the satisfaction that at least those other people aren't here...
I travel with someone who will die within an hour of exposure to peanuts, regularly spend time with people in their 80's and 90s who have been on deaths door for years, ride motorcycles with guys in their 70s and if they have a random spill, they're guaranteed dead. I see women in their 70's thrown from the backs of horses, often twice in the same ride. I drink with guys between chemo appointments, smoke cigars with guys who have colostomy bags, and saw a friend perform a spectacular monologue when he knew it was the last time in his life that he would give it.
These vulnerabilities are not lifestyle choices, and yet they manage. The difference between "I will actually die," and "I could die" is a matter of perception, and the world doesn't stop for any of us. Actual lifestyle choices which are a selective constraint as a substitute for achievement are uniquely prevalent today, and I think, socially suffocating.
1) I feel bad for you if you're genuinely sick and at risk, but I'm sure you know that there's a perception out there that many people are trying to milk Covid concerns merely to continue working from home or reaping other benefits that they value: and meantime they go out to restaurants and live life more or less normally. We all saw many of our political leaders who were fear-mongering Covid the worst do that.
2) You have to feel bad for anybody who is scared and feeling isolated, but what else do you want humanity to do? Short of just incinerating the planet, there's no method known to science to eliminate Covid in the wild. We shut down a lot of human activity for years (at massive expense, that we're going to be paying for many years) and even sacrificed part of our children's future to help the most vulnerable. Other than putting humanity in a total economic death spiral (that will be many times worse than Covid) I'm not sure what else can be done to give immunocompromised people a better situation.
3) I don't know how I'd live if I was genuinely immunocompromised, but the really sick people I know such as cancer patients going through chemo who are in/out of hospitals constantly are genuinely trying to go out and live their lives as normally as they can and trying not to be a slave to their illness.
4) Has anything qualitatively changed for immunocompromised people with Covid? Pre-Covid, there was influenza and other diseases that posed some measure of risk to people. Covid seems worse than them and can kill of course, but obviously isn't anywhere near something like Ebola in terms of risk. You're facing maybe a tiny bit more life risk than you would have in say 2018.
Deleted Comment
For example, one of my very close friends is an ultra progressive guy. He’s vegan and talks a lot about personal responsibility to combat climate change. He was condemning people partying at my house for using disposable vapes since the packaging and plastic is wasteful…never mind the 6 pack of beer bottles he brought!
Another close friend is borderline carnivore, and likes to joke about controversial topics.
Having both of those guys around inevitably leads to arguments (mostly friendly) but that shit makes the other guests uncomfortable!
People need to stop caring so much about how others live and speak. Your personal philosophy isn’t special and shouldn’t prevent you from socializing with others!
Glass is infinitely recyclable, whereas "disposable vapes" could be referring to just the cartridge (hopefully) but also could mean the full-fledged single-use vapes with a lithium battery inside. If its the latter, they really should switch to the former. If its the former then I think your friend was being a bit excessive griping about that but a 6 pack of infinitely recyclable glass is hardly a comparison to the perma-trash generated by plastic vape carts.
edit: just want to add, those lithium batteries aren't "disposable" because of any innate attribute of the battery, they're only "disposable" because they are sold that way. The batteries could have been reused if the company manufacturing the vape just designed it as such: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsJMj7FtroY
Generally, if parties are decreasing, I would argue it is more because there is so much new and very good entertainment that is just way lower effort. I don't know we need politics or ideology to explain it, these things aren't new.
Forrest Gump
> Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times.
I think we're entering that last cycle again, where people are inventing trivial hardships for themselves, because media teaches them that only a life with some type of adversity is worth living.
In other words, everyone is desperate to be a protagonist in what is an extremely comfortable world, so they invent villains. Then they post about their great protagonism on social media. In part, I think, this is due to the neurosis created by the fakeness of social media.
Also, since all achievements on social media are pixel-thin, it is also turning people into equally shallow reprobates.
The recent trend of unironically calling people "NPCs" and "bots" just reinforces these beliefs, IMO.
[1]: I also find it a bit funny we have to put these types of disclaimers everywhere, since everyone goes out of their way to be offended over trivialities
It might resonate the first time you hear it (most good propaganda does), but if you contemplate it for more than 10 seconds and you'll realize it's obviously untrue.
I don't think that's even remotely what the quote means. You seem to be taking it as "weak men make up hardships" as opposed to "weakness leads to a broken down system and future suffering for society".
For example, one might say that weakness in facing climate change will lead to hardship in the future. Another example would be that weakness in facing fascism allows it to rise and wreak havoc on society. Coincidentally, that quote is super popular among fascist-leaning types.
I missed that one, though now that I read it I realize there's a lot of bot calling going-on on an FPS server I regularly visit.
By the way, is this site done with calling regular people "normies" ?
The only reason we don't meet weekly anymore is because I moved to another country, for career growth.
I'm betting my reality is also very common for people who grew on small towns and had to move, or for people who live in large countries where you often move around for jobs (like the USA).
I'm flying to Paris to meet one of those friends this weekend, though. But I doubt a lot of people have the money to do this on a whim like we (tech workers) do.
> we have encouraged widespread neuroticism and anxiety...
Are they neurotic or are you projecting?
I have friends from many of those lifestyles, while myself, I am a "non-pork". But have never worried about what my friends with different lifestyles want at my party. We invite them all and most show up. Vegans may bring their own food. Halal eaters can stick with vegetarian options, if any.
And I never been offended by pork options at my friends' parties. Almost always there are side dishes.
Our parties are very diverse and our friends are very tolerant and curious about different people. We had friends who would get offended by alcohol or non-halal meat but they ended friendship.
You don't need to go crazy for other people's lifestyle. Good friends will stick around, intolerant will leave.
Great, bring some over and talk to the paleo-pesco-vegan about how well it pairs with phish and wild-caught twigs and berries.
> - I'm just getting old (closing in on 50) and people my age don't party anymore
I remember my parents' generation and their friends circle. My parents' friends circle was not only a friends circle, but it was a group of people who studied in the university altogether, in the same disciplines, and got appointed to the same city and actually same organizations after graduation. So not only they were just friends, but they were also work friends, colleagues, a lot of things.
I remember them regularly meeting in each other's houses and having fun, going to places together, taking vacations together and doing many other things up until ~40 years of age. Then such things suddenly became much more infrequent, then altogether stopping by their mid 40s.
I've considered going to DEFCON or that one quirky convention at CMU to network in my niche.
This is a weird way to project your insecurities.
Gonna print this on my business cards
Deleted Comment
Deleted Comment
Dead Comment
So drunk and frustrated me took to my rollerblades and grabbed a hockey stick to start passing around a puck to myself in front of the local sports bar's little outdoor eating area just a few doors down. The patrons were less than amused I suppose since they mostly looked appalled and irritated at the noise I was causing, but at least I felt like I "doing it right" as opposed to going out to eat like any other night and staring at instagram or reddit while ordering a $30 cheeseburger sitting next to a dumpster in what used to be the gross back lot of the bar. I think I probably unclipped the red velvet stanchion a couple of times just because I found it too comical to remain closed off.
Ultimately, I think it was a pretty weird day. I'm trying to be more at peace with the state of things now, but I can't help but mourn how it used to be.
The scene: https://www.instagram.com/p/CePpDq1rElU/?utm_source=ig_web_b...
In the most polite way possible, I can see why you are not invited to parties very often...
Go fuck a lonesome duck.
Think back to those work parties: were they really spontaneous, or did "Janice in Accounting" always seem to step up? For me, there was one guy who always ran the happy hours; when he left, the happy hours' frequency dropped noticeably.
The aging, COVID, kids, busy-ness, general "Bowling Alone" etc factors all do make things harder too (reduce social density, increase difficulty of scheduling, etc.). But that's just friction; it can be overcome.
The best thing I did was become the shameless type of person who actively tries to create/join/combine social circles. It pretty quickly put me in touch with other people who do the same, and my social circle grew naturally after that.
I've observed the same thing in video games with group activities. People sit in party finder waiting for somebody else to organize a group. They could make the group themselves, but they don't. They just sit there and wait until somebody else does it.
In real life I can understand this apprehension a lot more, but in games it's the difference of a few clicks and picking and choosing who gets to join. And yet a lot of people don't want to do it. It's quite curious.
I wonder if it's related to who is willing to organize things in real life as well. Maybe some people are just more driven to organize things?
Previously you could go to "newbie" servers, learn the game or play without as much seriousness, or self-organize into clans/groups if you wanted something more serious. You needed to learn the customs and culture of every server and if you didn't like it, you could just go to another.
Now, everything is matchmade, there is no culture, and the "Ranked" vs "Quick Play" game modes means that you're just relying on the game to pair you with an enjoyable experience (that you can't just bail on without a penalty of some kind). Yes, this system is sometimes more preferable than going "LFG SM All" in LFG chat, but there is something that's been lost.
I think this is very true. Back in the day, I was 'the instigator'. I'd phone a couple of friends, and soon enough, Saturday night would be 'on'. If I didn't do it, it generally didn't happen. They wanted to go out, but never enough to actually organize it. 20 years on, I'm remembering my role and trying to make more things happen, particularly as I'm not on any Social Media, so have dropped off the passive radar of a number of my friends.
Any advice? That's a hard thing to do!
(0) Reach out to everyone. Everyone. That old college acquaintance you just noticed is in your city? Get coffee/happy hour. You never know who's looking for more friends.
(1) Encourage people to invite/bring their friends when you organize something. Hit up one friend for happy hour/food. "You've mentioned [coworker] a few times before - would he/she want to join us?"
(2) Host (implied) large group gatherings. Easy to say "come over, and bring whoever!" I like sports, so I host for the super bowl, World cup, March Madness, etc. - but could be anything. Throw parties for other peoples' birthday/going away/coming-to-the-city. Advance level: some bars are often open to "hosting" an event - they'll just rope off an area if you promise X people will show up.
(3) Host recurring events. Board Game nights, poker nights, dinner parties, wine club, etc. Great way to deepen relationships.
(4) Start group chats. Much easier to maintain a relationship with 4 group chats than 20 individuals. If one can't get critical mass, post the plan in another.
(5) Be actively welcoming. Make a point to intro yourself to new people/social stragglers on the edge, and greet people by name when they show up in a new-ish space (e.g., my friend brings his new gf to a board game night; she doesn't know many people here; stand up and say "Hello Janice! Great to finally meet you. How has your week been?"). Forge connection, don't just co-exist in the same space.
I'm sure there's more...
I think as other comments allude to scheduling can be really hard so its a good idea to start sending out invitations 2-3 weeks in advance. Also don't be afraid to invite old friends - I reconnected with some friends I haven't talked to in 7+ years and it was great
Basically, things don't maintain themselves. This is true of work parties and get-togethers and dinners, and also true of government, civic organizations, and other related groups.
We need more people stepping up and doing the hard work of organizing.
Situation 1 - Years of working in an office with coworkers, attending events, meeting customers in the community. Eventually you end up with a handful of people who you just happened to chat with at some work thing then ran into each other again and now you are sort of friends.
Situation 2 - All of your interaction with coworkers and customers is remote. You get along with people but they aren't nearby so you can't grab coffee or dinner after work. You need to find interesting after-work activities, summon the energy, block out the time, spend the money, procrastinate taking action because you're overthinking it too much, etc.
--
I can't remember which podcast I heard about this on but I've listened to most of the audiobook for Nick Gray's "The 2-Hour Cocktail Party: How to Build Big Relationships with Small Gatherings"[0] and will be giving hosting a shot this spring. It still takes a lot of effort to find a crowd and host but hopefully having a framework for organizing and hosting will help.
[0] https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/61212264-the-2-hour-c...
I picked up Jiu Jitsu a few years ago and found that to be extremely effective when it comes to meeting people wherever I go. It's usually a stead group of people with other people rotating in, and doing collaborative activities together makes for quick friends.
I love remote work, and I take full advantage of it as a digital nomad, but we should have good faith discussions about the tradeoffs and how to mitigate it.
And that also guarantees that when you leave the company, you also leave your "friends".
I wholly reject intertwining work and professional relationships with friend relationships. I certainly won't be mean to my colleagues... but my closest colleague is 600mi away. And that's OK.
I do spend a bit of time with local groups for developing friendships with.. And they'll be there regardless where I work.
And it's one of the nicest, most positive communities I've found.
I vaguely recall socializing with co-workers - like back in the '90s. I don't recall it having been a great experience. You don't choose you co-workers.
My good friends now fall into three groups: 1) old high school or college friends, 2) parents of daughter's friends friends, 3) gym-rat/marathon friends. The groups don't overlap. Still LOTS of parties - especially the fitness clan. The vast majority I don't go to, because I'd be out partying a couple times a week.
I'm pretty introverted so I guess I'm just lucky to have strong friends circles. But you are correct that it takes intentional effort.
Anecdotally, most of the people with this view I found to already have a good group of friends whether from college or from earlier work/social situations. It feels a bit rich to say that you shouldn't make friends with coworkers when your social circle is already full.
Deleted Comment
First problem, we don't really have that many friends. Back in the day, it felt natural to invite anyone you remotely knew but today, not so much. So, only those that we had some kind of deeper relationship got on the list, in total maybe 30 people or so, almost all couples.
Second problem, we have moved around so a fair number of those we wanted to invite do not live in the same city as us. This meant travelling for them but many were fine to do it, however it gave rise to two other problems.
Third problem. Back in the day when there were parties, people could drop by and so it didn't feel it had to be so ambitious, but now since people were travelling, we have to have a proper dinner party. Lots of cost, lots of arrangements, not something that I want to do very often.
Fourth problem. Back in the day, there wasn't a day tomorrow. At the age of 50. there's always a day tomorrow. We had bought alcohol as if we were 20 but with the economy of two DINKs (they've moved out). Maybe 20% was consumed because "there's a day tomorrow as well", and frankly quite a few were travelling so they did indeed have to be able to drive reasonably early.
It's just very different having parties at the age of 50 compared to 20, it can't be the same thing, at least not in our circle and I'm quite sad for it.
I am currently trying to adapt that to my own situation. 31yo post 2 years of Corona isolation. I just signed up for volunteer work and a rowing club and life feels fun again :)
As a 35 year old who's just had his first kids this makes me sad to read, it really feels like I'm past the age of good parties now.
Pre-covid we were having raucous times every weekend and now there's too much responsibility to imagine that again. And I'm probably getting towards the age where it'd be a bit sad to still do that anyway.
FWIW one place I've lived that seems to care little about age in the party scene is Madrid. Plenty of nights you're just as likely to be partying with 60 year olds as 25 year olds.
Same in Ireland. Funnily enough the party scene there also includes many Spaniards of all ages, as well as an overrepresentation of Greeks and Italians.
Wherever I go in Europe, if I go to a party I know it's likely I'll meet someone from one of those four countries there.
Perhaps this applies to much of Spain - my aunt in her 70s still hits the town with her girlfriends on many a night on Spain's Costa del Sol.
In the darkest days of the pandemic, this same group got together outside nearly weekly, weather-be-damned.
I think you've hit on something important here. Without getting into the merits of religious belief, the rapid increase in loneliness seems to be strongly correlated with the rapid decrease in religiosity. There just aren't any institutions prepared to replace church communities.
For my part, I get more than enough socialization through my church community: I actively turn down opportunities to socialize because I'm saturated already.
In a move to reject the mysticism we're throwing the baby out with the bathwather.
Edit: this sounds way more antagonistic than I wanted. I was aiming for cheeky. Happy Friday, fellow beneficiaries of historical violence!
I’m involved in a music festival held annually in our city in Canada. It’s organized by the Kiwanis club. But looking at the volunteers who are all septuagenarians and octogenarians, I wonder how long this can last. As far as I can tell, there is zero recruitment of younger adults.
I think we have a built-in need to observe, compare and compete with each other for status. Social events once supplied the forum for that to happen in a convivial setting. Now it’s happening 24/7 in social media and every other online channel. The need is being met elsewhere.
Conversely, I have found it very hard to just establish connection to my local community (i.e. my neighbors) without any sort of central interest. The few of us who are close friends have tried to reach out and create more of a community and have hosted block parties and BBQ's in our neighborhood. But everyone else is still just "my neighbor" to me and not "my friend".
Generally from what we see, most parties happen because of significant events in peoples lives. A 50th birthday party usually seems important enough for most people to want to attend.
Yes COVID did halt most of this but from what we've seen the numbers came back to 2019 levels early last year.
It could be your friend circles but I wouldn't stop trying to host parties or encouraging your friends from having parties themselves. We all have more responsibilities later in life that make it harder for everyone to show up so I wouldn't take this personally.
I might suggest having a reoccurring party. My neighbor has an Oktoberfest party every year. If people miss out one year they often feel pressured into coming next year, it becomes an event that people look forward to and even offer to help coordinate if it happens on a normal cadence.