The issue is the ego. Ego has a lot of ideas about itself and others. Ego has such high opinion about itself it only can do great work. Which prevents it from doing anything. It's kind of a way of avoiding failures. Because failures will break the grant ideas about himself OP has created.
I accidentally went through a spiritual awakening which diluted ego. I have no problem in doing any kind of work now. Whether it's great or petty.
OP needs to work on the ego. Or figure out a situation where OP has to ship things no matter what. Which is hard unless you are jobless and can't figure a way out apart from building useful things that people pay for.
This speaks volumes for me. I always wondered how as a kid I would bust my face until I can be good at the hardest video games because those happened to be purchased as a present or from myself. And also I have font memories of my first IT job building software for work and would make something working in a few hours.
And my conclusion so far is: standards. I didn't had standards of what constitutes "fair difficulty", "good code", and more. So I would just give myself reps in both activities to become better without care.
Now that I'm older I second guess myself and worry about the things I attempt to build or play, all the time: "is this best practice?", "am I building it right?", "this game is too hard, it must be because it's unfair or poorly game designed".
And so I've decided to give myself room to enjoy myself without a single care in the world: I completed a game called "Metaphor Refantazio" on Hard, without looking at guides, without worrying about "best team comp", "where to get best gear" etc. and when I got stuck instead of looking things up I took a step back, looked what classes and gear I had to work with and figured things out on my own.
Don't get me wrong: the ideas and approaches I came up with were far from optimal (I can find videos of people killing the hardest bosses in one turn). But what matters is that they were my ideas. This game had been therapeutic for me in many ways, and this was only one.
But my point is, just like doing this makes you a better gamer, doing this in moderation can make you a better programmer. I'm not talking about "pretend the standard library, books and docs don't exist" but I mean "pretend tutorials on YouTube don't exist". I feel like tutorial hell can stem from exactly the same insecurities and desire for higher standards.
The video game example resonates. I realized recently that I load up walkthroughs by default. Before I’ve even turned the game on, I’m already following someone else’s ideas of best practice.
I think it comes from a misplaced belief about saving time and optimizing for “best” solutions. Taking a less optimal path is scary, even in a game with 0 real world consequences. I’ll consider that next time.
I think it would be really hard to understand without experiencing it. But I will write down anyway.
So before dilution I had this strong idea of who I was. I had this back story. There were certain things I do. And certain things I don't do. I used to judge everyone. I had a very high opinion about myself and used to constantly do or find things to validate that.
Now I don't have a story in which I live on. Each and every moment is intense. Sunsets are absolutely beautiful that you cannot describe through words. Spending time in nature is surreal. You do the right thing instead of doing things to validate your narrative. The dopamine hit I used to get when I used to do certain things is gone( i use to confuse these dopamine hits as me doing something right). This unlocks doing things more from Intuition and less from memory. There is less fear. There is more flow. More creativity. No regard for authority or beliefs. Everyone is equal. You want to know and not believe.
That said it's not all great stuff. You also have to work through some existential questions which you were previously isolated by the ego. Like mortality. Impermanence of everything. Aging body. What happens after death. Nature of awareness. Why I am aware. Is awareness eternal and it's implications etc etc.
Thanks for sharing your story here! I think your comments and answers are thoughtful and well stated. I don't share the Buddhist worldview but can relate anyways in terms of art. When learning to model in 3D I started looking at things around me differently. Instead of looking at a chair and in my head thinking "chair", I looked at it as a shape and a surface with a texture (not thinking those words, just looking). This opened up a world of beauty, not only in natural objects, but also in man made things, especially in metals. The key change was to not categorize or label the things but instead become vulnerable to their features and let them move me. It had unexpected but pleasant everyday effects, such as stopping at a door I always used and in awe contemplating the door handle.
That is quite interesting. What you stumbled upon yourself is a technique used by many meditation teachers to help in awakening. I think the the idea is the moment you categorize something you stop knowing what the thing is and replace it with belief. Glad you are having fun with it :)
This is spot on for the audiobook I’m listening to “Mindset: The Psychology of Success” , it’s resistance to effort that preserves belief in effortless ability and prevents any real progress
"Reading and writing more" are just aspirations. Those don't translate well to new behaviors. BJ Fogg (Stanford prof, behavioral scientist) lays out how to build new behaviors in Tiny Habits. You need to make them easy and attach the easy thing to something you already do regularly. (When I sit down to lunch, I read one page...) https://tinyhabits.com/
Secondly, your mind is interfering with its own work. Tim Gallwey talks about this in the Inner Game of Tennis (which is not really about tennis! ;). Your critic is not allowing you to "run hot" and put down some words that are less than perfect. It would be helpful to find something to focus your mind on, a simple count, like key strokes or word count. Alternatively, there's the practice of Morning Pages from the Artist's Way. Just let yourself write anything for a while. It's not for publication. You need to open the gates and you can do that by lowering the stakes involved with putting a word on the page.
Every word you wrote stabbed me in my past, which means dissonance, somewhere.
Subconscious self-sabotage to rip the proverbial band-aid off, induced manic/delirium from a small infection, rumination/paranoia, catatonia.
Took less consciousness away from my delaying of problems. My ego didn't handle it, the manic iD, did.
I had successfully ran away from all my problems, failing upwards just enough to irk out a cowardly existence.
If Moses had an antibiotic, or had flossed more, the 4(0?) days of desert-delirium may not had been so fearlessly familiar.
after day 4-5 of catatonic rumination and paralyzing anxiety: I cried aloud, "just give me an ounce of strength"; that let me ruminate as to why:
I was asking for help: I am not allowed to. why not? skip that token, backprop later.
Why an ounce? and why of strength? and why am I asking aloud? and who am I asking?
...
Why an ounce? Why not a ratio of my body mass? Why not an arbitrary....because I have 0.
Zero what? Strength?
Why am I asking for strength? Because I am a coward.
and Occam's Razor clicked, all my problems stemmed from cowardice.
I awoke to find myself identifying with "depersonalization" for once, which was embarrassing. But embarrassing/cringe is dissonance, so my ego deconstruction began.
Morality is cowardice in disguise. <-- Stuck here, unable to proceed. Too axiomatic.
Or figure out a situation where OP has to ship things no matter what. Which is hard unless you are jobless and can't figure a way out apart from building useful things that people pay for.
Not out of the woods yet, but at least I know I am in a familiar forest.
It’s an interesting concept; I am in the process of learning Scheme and I am not very good at it at the moment.
I can see that my ego is getting in the way of doing more practice; the reading of Scheme books is much easier than writing some simple programs such as the practice ones at RosettaCode…
Why did you delete the links? Your comment regarding the ego stayed with me, and today I wanted to access again the links you shared, and saw that were deleted.
I struggle with this myself, especially around writing. My solution, from a coding perspective:
If I had a massive new app to build, it would indeed feel overwhelming if I felt like I just had to sit down and build it. I think we get extra stuck on that with writing, as it often feels like we just need to go from an empty page to a well-reasoned and edited blog post, with a lot of ambiguous struggle in between.
With programming, I start breaking it down into pieces of functionality, and smaller ones, until I have a list of concrete things I can actually get my head around and write the code for. I keep on doing those small things, build the structure around them, and eventually I have my app.
I do the same with writing now. Not an outline really, but a list of concepts I want to get across, then smaller ideas. I write out a few of those, often a paragraph at a time. The structure starts to reveal itself, and soon enough I have a new blog post.
I think the key here is arriving at something small enough that it doesn't feel overwhelming. New app or blog post feels like way too much in the moment, and my body and mind to everything possible to avoid it (procrastination). Writing out a paragraph, coding a function - very doable.
I agree with this, but when working with a team I always feel motivated to see the progression made. Rarely do solo developers work well with others and rarely do collaborative developers work well by themselves. It really depends on the dynamic of the environment and the goal of the team.
Great points! Sometimes setting what feels like a lower bar for what you want to accomplish is the best way to get things done.
"I'm just going to spend like 20 minutes writing out this small feature and then call it a day", and doing that like 50 times throughout your side project, will result in a completed side project! :)
Even if it feels really lame, I catch myself thinking: "Well that's not very much to get done," I force myself to knock it out. If I can compare a small feature to emptying the dishwasher -- it only takes 5 minutes -- it makes the task feel a lot more manageable.
Maybe a better analogy is: put just 1 or 2 cups away from the dishwasher, and leave the rest, and don't beat yourself up about it. You know you'll return to put the rest away later.
If you're stuck, just start writing whatever junk is in your head. Make it hilariously bad! Write like a total idiot.
But often that alone is enough to unstick you. Having very rough work is infinitely better than staring at a blank page.
2) Procrastinate "a little bit"
Rebrand some procrastination as manageable short breaks, stop beating yourself up, and take control back from your rebellious subconscious. That way, you're working with yourself, not against it.
3) Always be asking yourself, "What's the smallest thing I can do RIGHT now?" and doing it.
E.g. you might not know how to write a full paper, but you can write down all your random ideas on a sheet of paper. Do that. Then once you're done with that, the next step might be writing an outline. Then, expanding each outline into a short paragraph...
But don't think that far ahead, just do the smallest thing now!
I feel like this also applies to software development. I have a friend, who is a perfectionist. they're really smart! a lot smarter than me actually. with that being said total output and progress towards a goal we both share is higher on my end because I'm as they put it "more industrious". I don't say this as a brag, but more people have different struggles to get started and different motivations. I'm not motivated by the big picture, I'm motivated by the challenge in front of me. others might be motivated by the big picture and not the smaller challenges. either way, I think recognizing that fact, and your motivation, alone is a step in the right direction.
the whole one digs can be deepened similar to Zeno's Paradox by procrastinating a little bit with bad small distractions allowing time to exponentiate small problems into untractable ones.
It is a little reductionary, almost akin to telling depressed people to have a slightly better today than the day before; not necessarily wrong but just rephrasing the problem.
You should also have another loop in your head, along with the one asking "what's the smallest thing I can do right now," asking "what's the most important and daunting thing that needs to be done right now."
That actually reveals another procrastination tip I forgot to mention: do the hardest stuff first. "Eat the frog" is what I tell myself.
I've been listening to a psychology podcast, and they label every "should"-statement as a cognitive distortion.
> While I do read articles here and there, it’s far less than I should.
Formulating it as a "should" abstracts away who wants it, and makes an artificially abstract norm out of it.
But what is actually? It's probably just something that the author wants. Not doing something I want feels less bad than not doing something I should. There are lots of things that I want and don't get or don't do, I'm already used to that.
It's a bit like the passive voice in writing, it hides who does something, or should do something.
Some "should"s are also what we think that others want us to do, often just assuming that without asking.
And so on. If you assume that every "should" is a thinking error, some go away, some become "want"s. It's a good first step, I recommend it.
> Some "should"s are also what we think that others want us to do, often just assuming that without asking.
Yep, and to take it further, I'd argue this kind of thinking is a reflection of any shortcomings that you think others perceive in you. It's an inadequacy complex.
You think about others saying: "Bill doesn't read enough. He isn't intelligent enough. He isn't informed enough. He spends too much time doing other things..." -- says who? Sometimes this can come from loved ones or colleagues priding themselves in their own hobbies or activities. Other times it can come from past criticism you've received from friends or family.
There is so much freedom in doing something for yourself (because you know it's right) versus pleasing others, when it doesn't really benefit others.
As an example, I don't cave to the pressures of working out because I know I'd only be doing it to impress others. I'm at a healthy weight, but I play recreational sports instead to get my exercise, because I enjoy doing it. I also benefit from socializing with others and being outside doing something competitive.
I (too recently) realized "shoulda, coulda, woulda"'s are generally useless, and to focus on only "need, want"s. If it doesn't fit into these two categories then it's not important enough to think about.
I came across it in this remarkable interview in the "Clearer Thinking" podcast https://podcast.clearerthinking.org/episode/192/david-burns-...
After that I was really curious if his claims about success in therapy were plausible or wildly exaggerated, and my conclusion so far is: it seems he really is legit, but his students aren't able to fully replicate his success, so it seems it's only partially the "TEAM CBT" model, and partially that Dr. Burns is an exceptionally good therapist.
I will repeat my standard advice for writing more: lower your standards, and allow yourself (in fact force yourself) to publish things despite knowing that they could be better if you just changed a few more things...
Also, write about things you've learned and projects you've built: both of those are topics where you aren't expected to provide shining new insight never seen before online: https://simonwillison.net/2022/Nov/6/what-to-blog-about/
Love the overall message, and you’ve obv got the HackerCreds to back it up, but I’ll throw an obligatory “what does it mean to force oneself to do something?” IMHO the idea that you can ‘force’ yourself to do things puts a moral/normative element in the discussion that does more harm than good. It makes one feel like they somehow chose failure, when it inevitably arrives.
We all agree that are limits to self control, otherwise people would force themselves to work all the time, or not be depressed/anxious, or snap out of ADHD - or, hell, not to feel grief. “Encouraging”, “welcoming”, and “promoting” the defeat of perfectionism-based procrastination seems more helpful in the aggregate, IMHO
Force may be too hard a term, but basically I mean that you should bias towards publication even when you're not yet happy with what you've written, and constantly remind yourself that publishing content that isn't 100% perfect yet is a virtue that should be celebrated. The alternative is a folder full of drafts and never publishing anything at all.
Ship just before you feel it’s perfectly ready is how I do it. Your instincts are tuned to protect you, and you have to be willing to thank them for their input but ship anyway to prioritize learning by doing.
But this is not shipping things half-baked. It’s recognizing the point where your standards are wasting energy more than adding value.
Worrying what others think resonates with me a lot.
Every few weeks I try to motivate myself to write more online (HN, X, blogs) and consistently get “self sabotage” stuck. (Been going on for >2 years)
The article just says they pushed through and “put it aside”, but that has never seemed to quite work for me. I can push through once or twice, not enough to build a daily habit/obsession like I want.
Anyone have any tips that worked for getting over this hurdle?
> Anyone have any tips that worked for getting over this hurdle?
Since nobody suggested this:
Write for yourself, locally. This removed my writer's block.
After writing for myself for about a year, I blogged consistently for two years.
I've since lost the kadence and want to get back to it, but now priorities have come in the way.
Now I usually write for my local tech community.
I know there's a dozen people who like to learn things if there's an easy way. That motivates me a lot
There's another hurdle of having a clear idea of the target audience; when you're the target audience, it gets a little fuzzy. So it has helped me to think of either "what I'd like to read 6 months from now if I had to learn this after partially forgetting it". Or someone else concrete I'm not actually obligated to share my writing with. Just so I can aim my writing better.
I have no idea if it will help, but the amount of nitpicking I see when people post things online is much more than the amount of nitpicking I’ve seen in the actual PhD defenses I’ve attended, or the research paper peer reviews I’ve gotten back. Of course, it is always possible that you’ll bump into, like, the one person who has much more experience than most professors in a topic, on the Internet. Alternatively, maybe the professors, being experts, can find the positive contribution in imperfect projects.
If you're looking to set up a habit cycle, I'd recommend three steps:
1. Find a cue that will remind you to start writing, e.g. having your morning coffee
2. Write any amount of time; say 30min or so
3. Reward yourself. I just have a little snack, but it could be anything
Works great for me, and I found once I changed some small habits, it was also easier to do better overall.
This advice is from the book "The power of habit" by Charles Dhuigg
It took me way too long to realize this but most people don’t think or care about you. I’m not saying this in a bad way, but only worry about those that matter like your family and friends. No one else thinks about you anyway, so don’t preoccupy yourself worrying about what they think.
Also: accept that what you make is ephemeral. No one pauses in the middle of building a sand castle on the beach and wonders if their sand-sculpting skills are adequate. Anything you make, even if it becomes one of humanity’s most cherished works (extremely unlikely!) is not going to be here for very long. So enjoy the process, put it out in the world, and maybe a person or two will appreciate it before the waves wash it away.
I think maybe polish is getting in the way. There's so many really beautiful blog posts out there, well researched, and the author can represent themselves as an expert. But more often than not the really deeply true information I tend to find is a quick little hacker news comment written quickly.
Now a hacker news comment can only contain so much, so sharing your truth a little broader might require some additional medium (graphics, code example, video) but you can clearly articulate yourself well in a HN comment, so maybe think of the blogs as just a little more than a HN comment?
I always remind myself that even the celebrated works supposedly have glaring holes in them. If they can get popular and be cherished, then my work too doesn't have to be "water-tight" at all times.
Just think about the human batteries in the matrix movie. Anyone who heard that thought the machines were using human brains as biocomputers, but no, they actually insist on the battery explanation.
Hemingway said once that the trick to getting writing done was to stop writing when you know what happens next.
Other writers have talked about being compelled to write to get an idea out of their head that’s stuck there. I think they’re much the same thing. You’re essentially leaving yourself in that obsessed state until you can sit down again.
If you try to sit down with just a long term goal in mind you’re torturing yourself. And likely creating negative reinforcement of future stuckness. Write the bit in front of you, pause when you have an idea what’s next, not when you run out of steam.
Focus on your docs, code, and blog because they’re under your control. Write for yourself. Write for the people who use your work. Publish smaller chunks of work. Add value to your real network.
X, HN, and other socials are far less important. You have no control over whether the algorithm decides to amplify your content. Most work that’s foundational to society isn’t popular on socials today and won’t ever be. There’s a lottery chance you’ll get picked for amplification. Winning that lottery is great, but playing the lottery is not investing in your future.
I've never had much of a fear of not being good enough for others but I've had a fear of not being good enough for myself. I don't know if this will get you over the hurdle but here's what really opened up my work and had me procrastinating less as an artist was:
The act and the process of creating art is what I enjoy. The outcome of that work and sense of accomplishment is fleeting, not that important, and a little out of my hands.
Once I realized this I just make more things, take more chances, and find myself making "better" work than I ever have. So just spend your time doing the thing you like doing. If you don't actually enjoy the process then you probably aren't meant to do it, regardless of the outcome or the accolades.
> Worrying what others think resonates with me a lot.
- There are lots of blog posts and youtube videos about this topic. Try whether any will help you.
- If you post, go down the rabbit hole of your thoughts. What will happen? Keep going with "and then" as far as possible. Then replace negative thoughts with more positive ones. Those have to be believable and not just blindly positive. E.g. replacing "everybody will hate this" with "a lot of people will hate this, but some will really enjoy it" is already progress.
- As a child, did you have a caregiver or teacher that gave you the feeling that if you make mistakes, they will stop loving you? Make it clear to your adult self that you are deserving of love no matter what.
- Do you have types of writing which are easy for you? No matter the answer, why is that?
- Create something intentionally bad without publishing it, and sit with your bad feelings for a while. Usually that reduces the anxiety.
- If you post something, explore your feelings. Is that like nervousness before an exam, general anxiety or something completely different. This might give you a clue, why you struggle.
- Imagine a friend would come to you with this problem. What advice would you give them? How would you react to something you posted if somebody else wrote it?
- Be kind to yourself. Changing this is a long journey.
> Anyone have any tips that worked for getting over this hurdle?
This might give you something to work with: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42102050. Maybe you're confusing natural and reasonable behaviour with self-sabotage? They look the same from some perspectives (such as perfectionism and people-pleasing).
Do you actually enjoy the process of writing online?
Because for me I’ve realized there’s a difference between enjoying actually doing a hobby versus just fantasizing about what it would be like to be good at it.
Maybe that’s not what you’re experiencing, but I’ve tried to get into hobbies and have run into the feeling you describe. Eventually I would drop the hobby because I just didn’t enjoy doing it.
I like writing to myself / talking to myself... but I'm trying to convert that internal captured thought / language into brand value and useful information in a wider contexts.
Good points about recognizing the fantasy of doing something vs. the actual work might be part of this.
I don’t think I have figured out whether I enjoy the process of writing itself.
But what I know for sure is that I have a lot of thoughts and ideas as well as opinions and the idea of putting them down and expanding upon them really really intrigues me.
One thing that helped me was accepting that it is not that I might fail but that I will fail initially.
I will produce bad articles because to become good you have to start with your current skill level which probably sucks if you are average. To become good you have to write. Nothing beats actually doing it. But knowing that everyone published something stupid at some point helps me accept that I will also go through that process as well. Everyone failed, everyone will fail and it is fine to fail.
And no matter how good you become you will still fail from time to time. You never graduate from it. Look at the famous movie directors, writers and journalists. Are all their works great? Is each of their work always better than the previous ones? Of course not. Some works will be amazing and insightful, some might be mediocre. Even the very best will have their ups and downs, so why not you?
Each time I publish a post I already accept it might be subpar.
It might be your unconscious deciding that it's not worth doing? Posting things online is rather useless and often brings more negatives than positives.
Sometimes I feel like someone already wrote what I am writing and it doesn't feel good to just work on something I know could be critiqued hard because an alternative exists.
for me it's not fear of being good enough. it's that for me a blog post takes 4 to 20 hours. 4 if it's just text. Write, rewrite, proofread, etc. 20 if I need to draw diagrams or make examples.
if it's just a paragraph of thought then it might as well be on social media
> > Every few weeks I try to motivate myself to write more online
Bro run! Spending time online is a sign of depression. And even if you are among the few in which this isn't true (which I doubt) talking and writing about stuff way above your head (not in the IQ sense but about stuff you have no control over) will get your there.
I feel this. Here are some thoughts I've had that have allowed me to toss one leg over the hurdle we share.
* Limit your self-promotion: If you feel unnerved by the criticism of the opaque masses of the internet (e.g. Hacker News) then do not present your work to them. If you absolutely must share your writing with anyone, why not share it with people who you actually know? Rather, don't self-promote at all, share your work with people who embody the readers who you had in mind upon writing it.
Which leads to my next thought...
* Unless you are representing some sort of institution that the public trusts and you are obliged to sustain this trust, why write with the public (read: the opaque masses of the internet) in mind at all. The "reader who you have in mind" while writing is the equivalent of the "dream spouse" who you may have imagined: They just so happen to possess all of the virtues that coincidentally complement your own and all of their faults are can be conveniently managed within your scope of reasoning. The good thing about the reader/writer relationship is that it is inherently polygamous so feel free to write for yourself and for yourself alone and whichever readers fit the description that you have envisaged in your mind to whatever degrees will be drawn to what you have to say accordingly and if it doesn't work out then there's always someone else, somewhere, who fits the description of someone who one way or another is just a kind of living complement to your own personality. Such is I suppose a component of romance in man's sojourn on earth.
The blog posts that inspire me to write the most are the one's that are impersonally personable. Writing that is obviously written by a human being who is sharing their experiences but in a way that is totally indifferent to my own interests. That isn't to say that it comes across as self-absorbed but that it is like the behaviors among children on the school yard. He's playing jacks. He's spinning tops. They're playing four square. They're beating each other into a pulp along the tree lines. But no one's doing so as if they intend for me want to join in.
The blog posts that I find the most boring read as though they presume an audience and are even written in a way that presumes scathing criticism from said audience. A lot writers have become dispossessed of their ability to express themselves in earnest ways because of this. I don't necessarily fault the opaque mass of humans who express a wide range of reactions to the thoughts of others because society is not a monoculture in spite of efforts toward the contrary.
If you are writing just to "build a brand" but the process isn't clicking internally maybe it's your spirit resisting the sociopathic impulses of your carnal desires. A lot of lifeless blogs I come across are such because I feel like I can sense that they are writing only to gain an audience who can raise their capital. So while the content may be informative it is lifeless and I feel little sympathy when a reader criticizes the author's work in a way that is indifferent to the spirit of the author and the author feels dismayed. It's not that your intended audience is revolting against you. You haven't even told them who you are. They are rejecting your business or your pining for employment that you have woven into your interpersonal communications.
Forget about trying to change this from the perspective of thoughts. Cognitively understanding that you should "just" stop worrying about what other people think about your work might not bring you far.
Instead, realize that anxiety is a bodily phenomenon and as such needs to be addressed with the body. That means: Breathing techniques, exercise etc.
> Instead, realize that anxiety is a bodily phenomenon and as such needs to be addressed with the body. That means: Breathing techniques, exercise etc.
It is not a bodily thing, just there is a bodily feedback loop: you feel anxious, it leads to a bodily reaction, your senses register it, you feel more anxious. Sometimes dealing with the body and breaking the feedback loop is enough, but for me personally it works for 10 minutes or so. If I hadn't overcome the psychological reasons of my anxiety, I feel myself anxious.
> Cognitively understanding that you should "just" stop worrying about what other people think about your work might not bring you far.
May not bring or may bring. It depends... People are different, so different methods are best for them. I deal with things mostly in a psychological ways. My general method for anxiety is to make my anxiety into a fear, by finding the thing that makes me anxious (this step is standard way of psychotherapists to deal with anxiety). Then I imagine that the thing happened and how will I adapt. Mostly I find out that this thing is not as bad as I perceive it, it cannot kill me, it cannot hurt me physically, I can deal with associated social costs, or if I cannot... For example sometimes I can reframe the situation: my goal is not to send the rocket to the Moon (with 10% chance of a success), but rather to do a test launch, to find out how my rocket perform (here we get ~100% chance of a success).
I need to accept the possibility of a failure, and understand that the possible failure is not terminal, it is just possible and acceptable setback. People tend to dramatize and say that some failures are not acceptable, but if people really had a possibility of an unacceptable outcome (lets say it is a painful death for all involved and their families) then the most rational thing to do would be to stop the activity that could lead to this outcome. When I allow myself to buy the dramatization I face anxiety issues.
> > That means: Breathing techniques, exercise etc.
It also means alcohol, drugs, shrooms, ketamine, MDMA, Research Chemicals, uppers, downers, amplifier substances , smoothering substances, focus enhancers, dissociatives...
I mean the modern society seems like coming up with some trends such as the war on drugs, the vice taxes and all the patronizing BS, only to discover that there is a reason why those things exist and we indulged in them for as long as we have been around in the first place
I think some of those substances can have positive in a very narrow set of circumstances. Being vigilant and only using them in those scenarios can be just as hard as the hard solutions you were avoiding in the first place, like sleep, diet, exercise, cleaning up your routine, etc. I'll add some color on how some of those can go wrong, hopefully this saves someone else from having to learn it first hand:
Alcohol - messes up your sleep, without which your mind will never be operating as clearly as it could. If you frequently mix it with other substances, it'll also turn into a trigger, making you crave said substances every time you have a drink. Use with moderation.
Shrooms - these are really nice, but like most psychoactive substances, they'll definitely get in the way of focusing on hard tasks. Doing something fun gets more fun with shrooms, doing something hard gets harder. Use with moderation. Indulge, don't escape. I'd give the same advice about LSD.
Ketamine - has an extremely broad profile of effects depending on dosage. You can mitigate this a bit by correctly measuring and dissolving it in nasal spray, but even then tolerance builds up very quickly and you end up compensating by doing more. It has a small dosage window where it'll be an indulging drug, just adding a pleasurable shift to your perceptions, but then as soon as you go over that window, it will turn you into a little dissociated zombie, unable to hold an interesting conversation with someone who isn't on the same ballpark of high as you are. It can cause serious damage to your urinary tract. Indulge, don't escape. Try to use once per month at most.
MDMA - can be amazing at low dosages, but evidence indicates it is neurotoxic in most doses you'll run into in parties. When it starts to come down you will want to do more, so if you're trying to be careful make sure you have measures to prevent you from doing so. Hangovers can be brutal, specially on higher doses. At higher doses it'll make you confused and mess up with your short term memory, but your social confidence will still stay high, so you can turn into an obnoxious person rambling about something for the third time in half an hour to whoever is unlucky to be nearby. Indulge with a lot of caution, don't escape. Use lower doses. Give it a 3 month break between uses.
Research chemicals - unless you are the researcher, stay away from these. Some drugs have very different effects to others that are chemically very similar and often impossible to differentiate with standard test kits you'll be able to buy and use without being a chemist. Reliable information on their effects, dosage, interactions is difficult or impossible to find — not only for you, but also for your EMT or doctor, in case you need medical assistance.
Uppers - addictive, can cause re-dosing, will fuck up your sleep and your appetite. Suppress orgasms (and often erections). Stress your heart muscles and your arteries and veins. When taken for productivity, will give you short-term gains that turn into holes you'll need several weeks to dig yourself out of. Use with extreme caution.
Amplifier substances - in my experience, there's no such thing. You can do substance X today and have an amazing "amplified" time, and then do the same dose again a week later in a different setting and have a real bad time, constantly in your head, seeing the negative interpretation of everything. The things which make it more likely for a substance to be an amplifier can't be fixed with more substances: how well are you sleeping, eating, exercising? Are you mulling over some difficult conversation instead of just having it? Are you surrounded by people you like who are good to you?
while they do have therapeutic effects (some, I wouldn't say alcohol does), I don't think they should be proposed as methods to relax stress. Too many downsides and are not sustainable as regularly used substances. Yes you do feel great in a night of MDMA but the feelings you have the following days almost negate the positive aspects.
TIL: there are randoms in the world who feel the exact what I feel, on daily basis for past three or four years.
It is frustrating. One recent mindset change I have adopted that reduces the feeling of overwhelming is:
1. Say it out loud, "I have plenty of time" and breathe deeply
2. "I have to work within constraint for which I do not have control of"
3. Can things be a lot more worse then they are? Fortunately, the answer to this has been 100% yes. Things can be worse in terms of developing complicated medical condition to family complication.
4. There always be be 'noise', work on reducing it and accept the 'distractions' are noise. Since distraction is noise, ignore it instead of giving into it.
> 1. Say it out loud, "I have plenty of time" and breathe deeply
The older I get, the less this is true, but the less I stress about it. There’s a great many things I’ll be able to accomplish, but never everything that I would want to. And that is fine.
Readit News
The issue is the ego. Ego has a lot of ideas about itself and others. Ego has such high opinion about itself it only can do great work. Which prevents it from doing anything. It's kind of a way of avoiding failures. Because failures will break the grant ideas about himself OP has created.
I accidentally went through a spiritual awakening which diluted ego. I have no problem in doing any kind of work now. Whether it's great or petty.
OP needs to work on the ego. Or figure out a situation where OP has to ship things no matter what. Which is hard unless you are jobless and can't figure a way out apart from building useful things that people pay for.
And my conclusion so far is: standards. I didn't had standards of what constitutes "fair difficulty", "good code", and more. So I would just give myself reps in both activities to become better without care.
Now that I'm older I second guess myself and worry about the things I attempt to build or play, all the time: "is this best practice?", "am I building it right?", "this game is too hard, it must be because it's unfair or poorly game designed".
And so I've decided to give myself room to enjoy myself without a single care in the world: I completed a game called "Metaphor Refantazio" on Hard, without looking at guides, without worrying about "best team comp", "where to get best gear" etc. and when I got stuck instead of looking things up I took a step back, looked what classes and gear I had to work with and figured things out on my own.
Don't get me wrong: the ideas and approaches I came up with were far from optimal (I can find videos of people killing the hardest bosses in one turn). But what matters is that they were my ideas. This game had been therapeutic for me in many ways, and this was only one.
But my point is, just like doing this makes you a better gamer, doing this in moderation can make you a better programmer. I'm not talking about "pretend the standard library, books and docs don't exist" but I mean "pretend tutorials on YouTube don't exist". I feel like tutorial hell can stem from exactly the same insecurities and desire for higher standards.
I think it comes from a misplaced belief about saving time and optimizing for “best” solutions. Taking a less optimal path is scary, even in a game with 0 real world consequences. I’ll consider that next time.
Dead Comment
So before dilution I had this strong idea of who I was. I had this back story. There were certain things I do. And certain things I don't do. I used to judge everyone. I had a very high opinion about myself and used to constantly do or find things to validate that.
Now I don't have a story in which I live on. Each and every moment is intense. Sunsets are absolutely beautiful that you cannot describe through words. Spending time in nature is surreal. You do the right thing instead of doing things to validate your narrative. The dopamine hit I used to get when I used to do certain things is gone( i use to confuse these dopamine hits as me doing something right). This unlocks doing things more from Intuition and less from memory. There is less fear. There is more flow. More creativity. No regard for authority or beliefs. Everyone is equal. You want to know and not believe.
That said it's not all great stuff. You also have to work through some existential questions which you were previously isolated by the ego. Like mortality. Impermanence of everything. Aging body. What happens after death. Nature of awareness. Why I am aware. Is awareness eternal and it's implications etc etc.
Secondly, your mind is interfering with its own work. Tim Gallwey talks about this in the Inner Game of Tennis (which is not really about tennis! ;). Your critic is not allowing you to "run hot" and put down some words that are less than perfect. It would be helpful to find something to focus your mind on, a simple count, like key strokes or word count. Alternatively, there's the practice of Morning Pages from the Artist's Way. Just let yourself write anything for a while. It's not for publication. You need to open the gates and you can do that by lowering the stakes involved with putting a word on the page.
Inner Game
https://www.amazon.com/Inner-Game-Tennis-Classic-Performance...
Artists Way
https://www.amazon.com/Artists-Way-25th-Anniversary/dp/01431...
I wrote about some other stuff here that helps.
https://vonnik.substack.com/p/a-few-ideas-that-made-my-life-...
Every word you wrote stabbed me in my past, which means dissonance, somewhere.
Subconscious self-sabotage to rip the proverbial band-aid off, induced manic/delirium from a small infection, rumination/paranoia, catatonia.
Took less consciousness away from my delaying of problems. My ego didn't handle it, the manic iD, did.
I had successfully ran away from all my problems, failing upwards just enough to irk out a cowardly existence.
If Moses had an antibiotic, or had flossed more, the 4(0?) days of desert-delirium may not had been so fearlessly familiar.
after day 4-5 of catatonic rumination and paralyzing anxiety: I cried aloud, "just give me an ounce of strength"; that let me ruminate as to why:
I was asking for help: I am not allowed to. why not? skip that token, backprop later.
Why an ounce? and why of strength? and why am I asking aloud? and who am I asking?
...
Why an ounce? Why not a ratio of my body mass? Why not an arbitrary....because I have 0.
Zero what? Strength?
Why am I asking for strength? Because I am a coward.
and Occam's Razor clicked, all my problems stemmed from cowardice.
I awoke to find myself identifying with "depersonalization" for once, which was embarrassing. But embarrassing/cringe is dissonance, so my ego deconstruction began.
Morality is cowardice in disguise. <-- Stuck here, unable to proceed. Too axiomatic.
Not out of the woods yet, but at least I know I am in a familiar forest.I can see that my ego is getting in the way of doing more practice; the reading of Scheme books is much easier than writing some simple programs such as the practice ones at RosettaCode…
https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42103115
I also recommend Waking up with Sam Harris. That's what got me started.
If I had a massive new app to build, it would indeed feel overwhelming if I felt like I just had to sit down and build it. I think we get extra stuck on that with writing, as it often feels like we just need to go from an empty page to a well-reasoned and edited blog post, with a lot of ambiguous struggle in between.
With programming, I start breaking it down into pieces of functionality, and smaller ones, until I have a list of concrete things I can actually get my head around and write the code for. I keep on doing those small things, build the structure around them, and eventually I have my app.
I do the same with writing now. Not an outline really, but a list of concepts I want to get across, then smaller ideas. I write out a few of those, often a paragraph at a time. The structure starts to reveal itself, and soon enough I have a new blog post.
I think the key here is arriving at something small enough that it doesn't feel overwhelming. New app or blog post feels like way too much in the moment, and my body and mind to everything possible to avoid it (procrastination). Writing out a paragraph, coding a function - very doable.
"I'm just going to spend like 20 minutes writing out this small feature and then call it a day", and doing that like 50 times throughout your side project, will result in a completed side project! :)
Even if it feels really lame, I catch myself thinking: "Well that's not very much to get done," I force myself to knock it out. If I can compare a small feature to emptying the dishwasher -- it only takes 5 minutes -- it makes the task feel a lot more manageable.
Maybe a better analogy is: put just 1 or 2 cups away from the dishwasher, and leave the rest, and don't beat yourself up about it. You know you'll return to put the rest away later.
1) Give yourself permission to do bad work.
If you're stuck, just start writing whatever junk is in your head. Make it hilariously bad! Write like a total idiot.
But often that alone is enough to unstick you. Having very rough work is infinitely better than staring at a blank page.
2) Procrastinate "a little bit"
Rebrand some procrastination as manageable short breaks, stop beating yourself up, and take control back from your rebellious subconscious. That way, you're working with yourself, not against it.
3) Always be asking yourself, "What's the smallest thing I can do RIGHT now?" and doing it.
E.g. you might not know how to write a full paper, but you can write down all your random ideas on a sheet of paper. Do that. Then once you're done with that, the next step might be writing an outline. Then, expanding each outline into a short paragraph...
But don't think that far ahead, just do the smallest thing now!
the whole one digs can be deepened similar to Zeno's Paradox by procrastinating a little bit with bad small distractions allowing time to exponentiate small problems into untractable ones.
It is a little reductionary, almost akin to telling depressed people to have a slightly better today than the day before; not necessarily wrong but just rephrasing the problem.
It is correct, but only by definition.
That actually reveals another procrastination tip I forgot to mention: do the hardest stuff first. "Eat the frog" is what I tell myself.
Also, that's not quite how Zeno's paradox works.
> While I do read articles here and there, it’s far less than I should.
Formulating it as a "should" abstracts away who wants it, and makes an artificially abstract norm out of it.
But what is actually? It's probably just something that the author wants. Not doing something I want feels less bad than not doing something I should. There are lots of things that I want and don't get or don't do, I'm already used to that.
It's a bit like the passive voice in writing, it hides who does something, or should do something.
Some "should"s are also what we think that others want us to do, often just assuming that without asking.
And so on. If you assume that every "should" is a thinking error, some go away, some become "want"s. It's a good first step, I recommend it.
Yep, and to take it further, I'd argue this kind of thinking is a reflection of any shortcomings that you think others perceive in you. It's an inadequacy complex.
You think about others saying: "Bill doesn't read enough. He isn't intelligent enough. He isn't informed enough. He spends too much time doing other things..." -- says who? Sometimes this can come from loved ones or colleagues priding themselves in their own hobbies or activities. Other times it can come from past criticism you've received from friends or family.
There is so much freedom in doing something for yourself (because you know it's right) versus pleasing others, when it doesn't really benefit others.
As an example, I don't cave to the pressures of working out because I know I'd only be doing it to impress others. I'm at a healthy weight, but I play recreational sports instead to get my exercise, because I enjoy doing it. I also benefit from socializing with others and being outside doing something competitive.
Definitely recommend a read
I came across it in this remarkable interview in the "Clearer Thinking" podcast https://podcast.clearerthinking.org/episode/192/david-burns-... After that I was really curious if his claims about success in therapy were plausible or wildly exaggerated, and my conclusion so far is: it seems he really is legit, but his students aren't able to fully replicate his success, so it seems it's only partially the "TEAM CBT" model, and partially that Dr. Burns is an exceptionally good therapist.
Also, write about things you've learned and projects you've built: both of those are topics where you aren't expected to provide shining new insight never seen before online: https://simonwillison.net/2022/Nov/6/what-to-blog-about/
We all agree that are limits to self control, otherwise people would force themselves to work all the time, or not be depressed/anxious, or snap out of ADHD - or, hell, not to feel grief. “Encouraging”, “welcoming”, and “promoting” the defeat of perfectionism-based procrastination seems more helpful in the aggregate, IMHO
But this is not shipping things half-baked. It’s recognizing the point where your standards are wasting energy more than adding value.
The article just says they pushed through and “put it aside”, but that has never seemed to quite work for me. I can push through once or twice, not enough to build a daily habit/obsession like I want.
Anyone have any tips that worked for getting over this hurdle?
Since nobody suggested this:
Write for yourself, locally. This removed my writer's block.
After writing for myself for about a year, I blogged consistently for two years.
I've since lost the kadence and want to get back to it, but now priorities have come in the way.
Now I usually write for my local tech community.
I know there's a dozen people who like to learn things if there's an easy way. That motivates me a lot
There's another hurdle of having a clear idea of the target audience; when you're the target audience, it gets a little fuzzy. So it has helped me to think of either "what I'd like to read 6 months from now if I had to learn this after partially forgetting it". Or someone else concrete I'm not actually obligated to share my writing with. Just so I can aim my writing better.
It's the editing process and formalizing it for public consumption.
Either, the actual work of doing the cleanup feels too labor intensive, or I've already moved onto the next obsession, and am chasing that new idea.
Do you have a process for turning the local writing into more public writing?
1. Find a cue that will remind you to start writing, e.g. having your morning coffee
2. Write any amount of time; say 30min or so
3. Reward yourself. I just have a little snack, but it could be anything
Works great for me, and I found once I changed some small habits, it was also easier to do better overall. This advice is from the book "The power of habit" by Charles Dhuigg
Now a hacker news comment can only contain so much, so sharing your truth a little broader might require some additional medium (graphics, code example, video) but you can clearly articulate yourself well in a HN comment, so maybe think of the blogs as just a little more than a HN comment?
Other writers have talked about being compelled to write to get an idea out of their head that’s stuck there. I think they’re much the same thing. You’re essentially leaving yourself in that obsessed state until you can sit down again.
If you try to sit down with just a long term goal in mind you’re torturing yourself. And likely creating negative reinforcement of future stuckness. Write the bit in front of you, pause when you have an idea what’s next, not when you run out of steam.
X, HN, and other socials are far less important. You have no control over whether the algorithm decides to amplify your content. Most work that’s foundational to society isn’t popular on socials today and won’t ever be. There’s a lottery chance you’ll get picked for amplification. Winning that lottery is great, but playing the lottery is not investing in your future.
What changed for me was accepting that my posts aren’t going to be polished and it’s okay if they don’t front page HN.
I just jot down notes, organize them in an outline and publish it.
I figure eventually, as I feel more comfortable with it, I’ll polish up my posts more and more.
The act and the process of creating art is what I enjoy. The outcome of that work and sense of accomplishment is fleeting, not that important, and a little out of my hands.
Once I realized this I just make more things, take more chances, and find myself making "better" work than I ever have. So just spend your time doing the thing you like doing. If you don't actually enjoy the process then you probably aren't meant to do it, regardless of the outcome or the accolades.
- There are lots of blog posts and youtube videos about this topic. Try whether any will help you.
- If you post, go down the rabbit hole of your thoughts. What will happen? Keep going with "and then" as far as possible. Then replace negative thoughts with more positive ones. Those have to be believable and not just blindly positive. E.g. replacing "everybody will hate this" with "a lot of people will hate this, but some will really enjoy it" is already progress.
- As a child, did you have a caregiver or teacher that gave you the feeling that if you make mistakes, they will stop loving you? Make it clear to your adult self that you are deserving of love no matter what.
- Do you have types of writing which are easy for you? No matter the answer, why is that?
- Create something intentionally bad without publishing it, and sit with your bad feelings for a while. Usually that reduces the anxiety.
- If you post something, explore your feelings. Is that like nervousness before an exam, general anxiety or something completely different. This might give you a clue, why you struggle.
- Imagine a friend would come to you with this problem. What advice would you give them? How would you react to something you posted if somebody else wrote it?
- Be kind to yourself. Changing this is a long journey.
This might give you something to work with: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42102050. Maybe you're confusing natural and reasonable behaviour with self-sabotage? They look the same from some perspectives (such as perfectionism and people-pleasing).
Because for me I’ve realized there’s a difference between enjoying actually doing a hobby versus just fantasizing about what it would be like to be good at it.
Maybe that’s not what you’re experiencing, but I’ve tried to get into hobbies and have run into the feeling you describe. Eventually I would drop the hobby because I just didn’t enjoy doing it.
Ps congrats on writing online :)
Good points about recognizing the fantasy of doing something vs. the actual work might be part of this.
also, lol meta, thanks!
But what I know for sure is that I have a lot of thoughts and ideas as well as opinions and the idea of putting them down and expanding upon them really really intrigues me.
I also believe that it will really help grow.
I will produce bad articles because to become good you have to start with your current skill level which probably sucks if you are average. To become good you have to write. Nothing beats actually doing it. But knowing that everyone published something stupid at some point helps me accept that I will also go through that process as well. Everyone failed, everyone will fail and it is fine to fail.
And no matter how good you become you will still fail from time to time. You never graduate from it. Look at the famous movie directors, writers and journalists. Are all their works great? Is each of their work always better than the previous ones? Of course not. Some works will be amazing and insightful, some might be mediocre. Even the very best will have their ups and downs, so why not you?
Each time I publish a post I already accept it might be subpar.
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if it's just a paragraph of thought then it might as well be on social media
Not for content, but for process?
Bro run! Spending time online is a sign of depression. And even if you are among the few in which this isn't true (which I doubt) talking and writing about stuff way above your head (not in the IQ sense but about stuff you have no control over) will get your there.
* Limit your self-promotion: If you feel unnerved by the criticism of the opaque masses of the internet (e.g. Hacker News) then do not present your work to them. If you absolutely must share your writing with anyone, why not share it with people who you actually know? Rather, don't self-promote at all, share your work with people who embody the readers who you had in mind upon writing it.
Which leads to my next thought...
* Unless you are representing some sort of institution that the public trusts and you are obliged to sustain this trust, why write with the public (read: the opaque masses of the internet) in mind at all. The "reader who you have in mind" while writing is the equivalent of the "dream spouse" who you may have imagined: They just so happen to possess all of the virtues that coincidentally complement your own and all of their faults are can be conveniently managed within your scope of reasoning. The good thing about the reader/writer relationship is that it is inherently polygamous so feel free to write for yourself and for yourself alone and whichever readers fit the description that you have envisaged in your mind to whatever degrees will be drawn to what you have to say accordingly and if it doesn't work out then there's always someone else, somewhere, who fits the description of someone who one way or another is just a kind of living complement to your own personality. Such is I suppose a component of romance in man's sojourn on earth.
The blog posts that inspire me to write the most are the one's that are impersonally personable. Writing that is obviously written by a human being who is sharing their experiences but in a way that is totally indifferent to my own interests. That isn't to say that it comes across as self-absorbed but that it is like the behaviors among children on the school yard. He's playing jacks. He's spinning tops. They're playing four square. They're beating each other into a pulp along the tree lines. But no one's doing so as if they intend for me want to join in.
The blog posts that I find the most boring read as though they presume an audience and are even written in a way that presumes scathing criticism from said audience. A lot writers have become dispossessed of their ability to express themselves in earnest ways because of this. I don't necessarily fault the opaque mass of humans who express a wide range of reactions to the thoughts of others because society is not a monoculture in spite of efforts toward the contrary.
If you are writing just to "build a brand" but the process isn't clicking internally maybe it's your spirit resisting the sociopathic impulses of your carnal desires. A lot of lifeless blogs I come across are such because I feel like I can sense that they are writing only to gain an audience who can raise their capital. So while the content may be informative it is lifeless and I feel little sympathy when a reader criticizes the author's work in a way that is indifferent to the spirit of the author and the author feels dismayed. It's not that your intended audience is revolting against you. You haven't even told them who you are. They are rejecting your business or your pining for employment that you have woven into your interpersonal communications.
And good for them!
Forget about trying to change this from the perspective of thoughts. Cognitively understanding that you should "just" stop worrying about what other people think about your work might not bring you far.
Instead, realize that anxiety is a bodily phenomenon and as such needs to be addressed with the body. That means: Breathing techniques, exercise etc.
It is not a bodily thing, just there is a bodily feedback loop: you feel anxious, it leads to a bodily reaction, your senses register it, you feel more anxious. Sometimes dealing with the body and breaking the feedback loop is enough, but for me personally it works for 10 minutes or so. If I hadn't overcome the psychological reasons of my anxiety, I feel myself anxious.
> Cognitively understanding that you should "just" stop worrying about what other people think about your work might not bring you far.
May not bring or may bring. It depends... People are different, so different methods are best for them. I deal with things mostly in a psychological ways. My general method for anxiety is to make my anxiety into a fear, by finding the thing that makes me anxious (this step is standard way of psychotherapists to deal with anxiety). Then I imagine that the thing happened and how will I adapt. Mostly I find out that this thing is not as bad as I perceive it, it cannot kill me, it cannot hurt me physically, I can deal with associated social costs, or if I cannot... For example sometimes I can reframe the situation: my goal is not to send the rocket to the Moon (with 10% chance of a success), but rather to do a test launch, to find out how my rocket perform (here we get ~100% chance of a success).
I need to accept the possibility of a failure, and understand that the possible failure is not terminal, it is just possible and acceptable setback. People tend to dramatize and say that some failures are not acceptable, but if people really had a possibility of an unacceptable outcome (lets say it is a painful death for all involved and their families) then the most rational thing to do would be to stop the activity that could lead to this outcome. When I allow myself to buy the dramatization I face anxiety issues.
In regards to anxiety, this is what works best for me: https://actualism.app/
It also means alcohol, drugs, shrooms, ketamine, MDMA, Research Chemicals, uppers, downers, amplifier substances , smoothering substances, focus enhancers, dissociatives...
I mean the modern society seems like coming up with some trends such as the war on drugs, the vice taxes and all the patronizing BS, only to discover that there is a reason why those things exist and we indulged in them for as long as we have been around in the first place
Alcohol - messes up your sleep, without which your mind will never be operating as clearly as it could. If you frequently mix it with other substances, it'll also turn into a trigger, making you crave said substances every time you have a drink. Use with moderation.
Shrooms - these are really nice, but like most psychoactive substances, they'll definitely get in the way of focusing on hard tasks. Doing something fun gets more fun with shrooms, doing something hard gets harder. Use with moderation. Indulge, don't escape. I'd give the same advice about LSD.
Ketamine - has an extremely broad profile of effects depending on dosage. You can mitigate this a bit by correctly measuring and dissolving it in nasal spray, but even then tolerance builds up very quickly and you end up compensating by doing more. It has a small dosage window where it'll be an indulging drug, just adding a pleasurable shift to your perceptions, but then as soon as you go over that window, it will turn you into a little dissociated zombie, unable to hold an interesting conversation with someone who isn't on the same ballpark of high as you are. It can cause serious damage to your urinary tract. Indulge, don't escape. Try to use once per month at most.
MDMA - can be amazing at low dosages, but evidence indicates it is neurotoxic in most doses you'll run into in parties. When it starts to come down you will want to do more, so if you're trying to be careful make sure you have measures to prevent you from doing so. Hangovers can be brutal, specially on higher doses. At higher doses it'll make you confused and mess up with your short term memory, but your social confidence will still stay high, so you can turn into an obnoxious person rambling about something for the third time in half an hour to whoever is unlucky to be nearby. Indulge with a lot of caution, don't escape. Use lower doses. Give it a 3 month break between uses.
Research chemicals - unless you are the researcher, stay away from these. Some drugs have very different effects to others that are chemically very similar and often impossible to differentiate with standard test kits you'll be able to buy and use without being a chemist. Reliable information on their effects, dosage, interactions is difficult or impossible to find — not only for you, but also for your EMT or doctor, in case you need medical assistance.
Uppers - addictive, can cause re-dosing, will fuck up your sleep and your appetite. Suppress orgasms (and often erections). Stress your heart muscles and your arteries and veins. When taken for productivity, will give you short-term gains that turn into holes you'll need several weeks to dig yourself out of. Use with extreme caution.
Amplifier substances - in my experience, there's no such thing. You can do substance X today and have an amazing "amplified" time, and then do the same dose again a week later in a different setting and have a real bad time, constantly in your head, seeing the negative interpretation of everything. The things which make it more likely for a substance to be an amplifier can't be fixed with more substances: how well are you sleeping, eating, exercising? Are you mulling over some difficult conversation instead of just having it? Are you surrounded by people you like who are good to you?
It is frustrating. One recent mindset change I have adopted that reduces the feeling of overwhelming is:
1. Say it out loud, "I have plenty of time" and breathe deeply
2. "I have to work within constraint for which I do not have control of"
3. Can things be a lot more worse then they are? Fortunately, the answer to this has been 100% yes. Things can be worse in terms of developing complicated medical condition to family complication.
4. There always be be 'noise', work on reducing it and accept the 'distractions' are noise. Since distraction is noise, ignore it instead of giving into it.
The older I get, the less this is true, but the less I stress about it. There’s a great many things I’ll be able to accomplish, but never everything that I would want to. And that is fine.
The older I get the more it is true.