Feeling sorry for you too.

If you were fortunate enough to marry a similarly earning woman then congratulations. Unfortunately - those are exceptional for this industry. At least where I am - it is rare to find a woman making $400K+/yr like I am. Even rarer that she’ll continue working after marriage - as many of the women I know who have made it that far end up giving up the gig and leave the husband to climb the rest of the career ladder to make up for the lost income.

Ultimately - your argument isn’t good. Your argument is “you should get married because getting divorced is so painful!” Why not just avoid divorce altogether?

I’ve seen enough loveless marriages. I put my fucking partner through college at an elite institution. I’m out well over $100K on that - and I didn’t even marry the woman. You don’t need to be married to support someone or to be giving.

Your marriage could end at any point. You just live naively thinking it won’t - but it can and it certainly could. There’s nothing stopping your wife from walking out the door and then filing for divorce. All that is different is that she needs to fill out a few forms or get you to pay for a lawyer - and the upside for her is immense. Hugely immense. Your earning for decades and half of your savings.

There’s also plenty of empirical evidence for marriage’s positive impacts on kids not to mention the general principle that two are stronger than one. It’s an institution that’s thousands of years old and stretches across every society and religion for good reason.

Sadly not all marriages are successful (not unlike a startup). But this doesn’t mean they’re not worth pursuing.

Women, marriage, love are different things. We should not let these be confused together. A push back against marriage is not same as that against love, and nor against women in general.

This sounds like a nightmare.

https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the- divorce-gap/480333/

I feel like it happens a lot in modern relationships. People become so interdependent and build themselves and their identities propped against each-other (to the point of neglecting families and friends even), so much that when it chatters it's a life changing experience. The interdependence could even be a cause of the breakup itself. I also feel like a lot of dysfunctional couples are staying together not to break the illusion (some kind of weir sunk cost fallacy).

People need space and solitude to find themselves, only then they can start building healthy and stable relationships, ~50% of married couple divorce (and much more unmarried breakup), statistically your couple won't last, live like every day is the last day of your relationship and make the best out of it (it also helps keeping the gears of love running).

Treat love as a drug (or food), when used in moderation and in a safe manner it can be soothing and positive, when your life starts to exclusively revolve around it it quickly can spiral out of control. Maintain a good routine; friends, hobbies, sport, job, &c.

Read books about the psychology of love, couples, relationships, breakups, it helps a lot when you figure out that most people are going through the same thing and are getting past it with time. You can also check out stoic philosophers and how to live for and by yourself, you don't have to take it to the letter but it certainly gives you another point of view.

I had a family with 3 kids, so it left quite an impact on me.

For years I felt like the real me was still non-divorced, living his life like normal. And I ended up in this surreal parallel universe, where I'm divorced and living in some kind of bad dream.

Good thing that feeling is over, and I was able to pick up my life again. Your mind can play some crazy tricks to cope with certain situations.

> I know this is unsolicited advice, but for what it's worth take some time to figure out how and why you found yourself in the situation.

I'm going to try and do that, I think reflecting back over the last decade, I definitely changed a lot and there were signs of some things not working but I always had this "you have to give it everything you've got" attitude and didn't want to give up.

> I hope you find peace and happiness in the future.

Thank you, I hope you do as well!

Unfortunately we had moved to a brand new city last year during COVID and I'm pretty much alone here so it's definitely harder. I'm doing my best to break into social groups and clubs but it's not easy, especially during a pandemic.

1. Talking to a person who went through the same thing.

2. Buddies that invited themselves and planned some other social activities to get my head away from it.

So I would suggest to give him a call, or a video call and play a remote board game with some buddies or something like that. (or Among Us, which is also fun over a video call)

And there wasn't a great deal else in the article (some discussion of oil rigs, including Piper Alpha, but not much specifics). We never got to find out what the stories written by the person being interviewed were. I actually found it a bit odd, like it was an introduction to a longer article that got cut off just as the main part was starting. In the end, the anecdote involving divorce was the only substantial thing in there. So even if you did read it, that's a fair part to react to.

The emotional aspects of love last about seven years. After that, pragmatics and mutual understanding need to take over. We have invented the notion of marriage and seem to have overturned what nature may have intended to be.

Marriages predate written history. I cannot be sure what led to the concept, however, I can guess.

I have read that non-monogamy is more common in the world than what most people realize.

It seems to me that when the notion of marriage was brought in, people would have needed brainwashing into it. I see several cultural aspects around marriages, some still being followed, that hint this.

Then, of course, is the welfare of the children which is critically important.

I am chosing not to write more, but have perhaps hinted upon my viewpoints on this topic.

Advise for you and others:

* Use social and legal provisions towards your own favor as much as possible whatever those are -- live-in relationships, friends with benefits, getting to know each other well upfront, pre-nuptial agreements, etc.

* Keep an escape route. E.g., keep finances strictly separate.

* Read 'good' books on how all this works, like on psychology of love relationships, parenting, divorce, etc.

* Need timely action as and when it is becoming bad and timely quitting. Don't go by the common guidance received which rests on inexperience and biases. Look at the statsistics and make good judgment calls. I have come across books on this too. Books sometimes give better advise than professional help (whether psychologists or lawyers) as the book author has no more ongoing vested interest once the book is sold.

In a nutshell, love yourself more than your life partner, and don't let your judgment be clouded. Read good books to build your judgment from the experiences of others.

Notes on why one can't just 'not care' for mental health:

* Prior to separation, it could not be ignored as it used to happen nearly daily, which for me involved her beating herself up badly, shouting at the max of her voice, with my child also seeing all that and feeling helpless. Those around and the lawyers told me that if the wife makes any false allegation against me, I'll be doomed for a long time. And it has ultimately gone that route. (One should not ideally let it get this bad, exit timely, etc., however it is not that straightforward in practice.)

* With the lawsuits going on, there is a lot of work involved. It's more than a fulltime job in itself along with the usual fulltime job. This is because the wife just makes random false claims, which does not even require them to think. It's the defendent who has to research and file documents to show that she is making lies. Even with no expectation of benefit from the legal system, it needs to be done anyways as the situation would only be worse if not done. While in theory it's 'innocent until proven guilty', that does not mean in practice that the hard work is before the wife. The hard work is still before the husband. So even if you try to, you cannot ignore the legal work that continues and brings functional stress.

* There is a moral responsibility towards the welfare of the child. So just letting go does not fit.

* I see many men give up. They yield to the unjust and frivolous demands of the wife to avoid the above stresses. Giving up encourages more women and their unscrupolous lawyers to do the same, which would go on to make lives of other people worse. Hence, there is a moral responsibility to keep trying hard for justice for sake of others as well.

* Even if one is able to mentally let go of what is happening, there are things missing from life, which I sorely miss. Psychology research only says that it's very tough and leads to depression, etc. I have myself read a lot besides having professional help. If someone were to ask me "If you know and understand so much, are wise, how come you are still in so much pain?", my answer, because even the theory says so. Not easy to circumvent the theory!

* And so on.

It may also be the other way around where they saw the disaster from the beginning whereas the others around failed to but kept on applying peer pressure, where the system fails to provide a functional exit path, or when the welfare of the children points in another direction during the transition phase.

Also, things can become worse gradually whereas the decision to walk out is discrete which makes the decision hard. At what point in time does one find themselves justified to flip. I see several other areas where the same conundrum applies.

I have already written more in other comments.

> You reap what you sew

Never hold this against yourself or others without knowing the specifics and considering the entire picture. I tell this to everyone. People are genuinely victims at times for no fault of theirs. Of course, the other side is more common where people incorrectly keep blaming others.

Family member’s wife started experiencing gradually pronounced schizophrenia over a few years and she became abusive to her husband until it ended with a short stay in a mental institute and then medication. She still wonders who she was at that time…

Some people suffer diabetes as they age, and more than you would guess start experiencing mental breakdown that can manifest as abuse to a partner.

19 years of life are… poof. I missed out on doing things I think I would have liked to because of “love”.

And I still care/worry for her.

I cannot disclose the detailed specifics of my case.