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billconan · 10 years ago
I have experienced few culture differences since I moved to the U.S. from China.

one is how to respond to compliment. In China, we were told to stay humble, to lay low. So my natural response to a compliment is often denying it. When I did this here in the U.S., people seemed to think I was impolite.

It took me a while to get used to say "thank you" in this situation.

Another thing I could think of is when receiving a gift. American kids seem to open the gift right away to show excitement and appreciation. I would be rude if I don't do this. Whereas in China, I was taught "not to accept gifts too easily" to reduce financial burden for others. When accepting a gift, I should hide excitement, so that people won't see me as being greedy or valuing the material gift more than the friendship.

The third thing is working while you are sick. In China, this is appreciated, people would think this hard-working. But here, this is disliked. people think you are infecting people.

hzhou321 · 10 years ago
I have been in US for almost 20 years now and I am still having trouble responding to "thank you". I have no trouble saying "thank you" though.

Replying "you are welcome" feels like an acknowledgement that something I did to be a great deal, and to a Chinese (brought up in Chinese culture), this is embarrassing -- not I think it is embarrassing but I always automatically feel embarrassing. So each time even though I know I should reply "you are welcome", I always glitch out and when it come out, it is nearly always "no problem". Of course it means "no problem" for me (to do it or do it again), not that there wasn't problem for you that need help with. To a Chinese, attitude comes first and I have the first need of being modest (not as a virtue, but to actually feel comfortable). On the other hand, in Chinese culture, right or wrong is often not that important, so it is ridiculous that people would actually interpret "no problem" as a denial of their saying thank you in the first place (from the fellow comment, and this is actually the first time for me to understand why would some one give me over reaction when I reply no problem).

I actually always feel embarrassed (for another reason) when I realized I didn't say "you are welcome" and meeting some surprised expressions.

This article got me thinking and I decided that I should not feel embarrassed any more. There is nothing wrong in Chinese culture and I have been spent great effort coping with western culture half of my life and I believe most people do respect cultures. I will reply "no problem" and if people feel surprised I'll explain that is merely a culture difference.

nostromo · 10 years ago
I'm a bit confused as I think "no problem" is the perfect response to "thank you" in American mores. I say it all the time.

It's a way of assuring the gift receiver that the gift didn't burden you, the gift giver. That makes everyone happy and allows the gift receiver to accept the gift without guilt. And no native speaker will think you meant, "your problem wasn't a problem after all."

If it's a major gift, then it might be more appropriate to say, "you're welcome." But for minor gifts (like telling the time or help with a coding problem) "you're welcome" is a tad smug.

In any case, you're right not to worry about it too much.

klodolph · 10 years ago
I've been practicing saying "you're welcome" more often, because I noticed that some people would honestly be confused, suspicious, or offended if I said "no problem" after doing something that was obviously a bother.

For example, I'm stranded at 3am and you give me a lift even though you were sleeping. If you say "No problem", since it's obviously a lie, I think that you might be mad or disappointed that I made such a request.

ludamad · 10 years ago
FWIW, I always say "no problem" and have, since as a kid, thought "you're welcome" was pretentious.
belden · 10 years ago
If you find "no problem" to be hard to say - or perhaps you feel it is hard for your listener to hear - then you could try "my pleasure". I made this small edit to my speech a few years ago.

I recently heard a nurse say, "It's my privilege" in response to a thank-you. This felt like a more heartfelt acknowledgement of the gratitude being expressed.

One might also experiment with "It's no burden", which seems to fall somewhere between "My pleasure" and "It's my privilege".

hackuser · 10 years ago
For what it's worth, from an American:

> in China, I was taught "not to accept gifts too easily"

Turning down gifts sends a strong social signal that you don't want whatever relationship the gift implies. For example, someone might turn down a valuable romantic gift from a person they don't want to date. Or, if someone offered you an excessive gift, let's say $10,000 from someone you don't know well, you might decline it because you don't want to accept the obligation that the gift implies -- what does this person want in return? However, it is appropriate when opening the gift to say 'you shouldn't have' or 'you really didn't need to bring me a gift'.

> working while you are sick. In China, this is appreciated, people would think this hard-working. But here, this is disliked. people think you are infecting people.

This depends on your workplace. In some you'll find the attitude you describe. In others, sick days are for weak, uncommitted people and you'll hear people take pride in never having taken one.

hzhou321 · 10 years ago
> Turning down gifts sends a strong social signal that you don't want whatever relationship the gift implies.

I believe that interpretation is incorrect.

In Chinese culture, it is important to balance social relationship, and the worst is to own someone favor. Owning some others favor means to repay the favor at some point; and you can't simply repay the equal favor later, you have to do something more significant to truly balance -- in fact, I don't think in Chinese culture, a favor can truly be repaid -- therefore, to accept a favor is truly a (lifelong) commitment. With such context, you would not want to accept a gifts easily, you would honestly would like to decline the gift (while noting down the gift givers gracious -- yes, it is all about the gesture). Also the attempt of declining downplays the favor (as the gift is not truly great favor as I could decline it).

In Chinese culture, there is a strong concept of social obligation (balance).

So Chinese do want friendship as in the intention of gift giving in a western culture, but most Chinese would rather other people owning to their favor rather than the other way around -- and Chinese do keep count -- unless the relationship is so close that there is no need to keep count any more; but then exchange gifts at such level is also absurd.

Of course when you don't want the relationship, then you absolutely don't want to accept the gifts.

PS: Actually this is how Chinese corruption works. You try hard to bribe officials with some gifts or dinner even when the official would not value your gifts at all (because he already had too much), but as long as the official accepts your gift (often because you are so sneaky that he cannot easily return your gift), then this official is obligated to help you out (often means to go out of his way). First time is always hard, but second time is much easier.

And that is why to be a Chinese official is difficult, you abide by the rule, then you become socially cold and judged down in culture; or you could be generous accepting bribes and doing favors for everyone -- you become popular, but on the other hand, you have some crimes that some day will become your downfall -- not because of law, but because of power shift (which is inevitable). Greed is just the byproduct.

SoreGums · 10 years ago
>> working while you are sick. In China, this is appreciated, people would think this hard-working. But here, this is disliked. people think you are infecting people.

> This depends on your workplace. In some you'll find the attitude you describe. In others, sick days are for weak, uncommitted people and you'll hear people take pride in never having taken one.

yup, if you work in an office and have the flu, you need to stay the fcuk home :P

Numberwang · 10 years ago
This is quite interesting to read. As a Swede I find myself 50% on the Chinese side and 50% on the american side of things.

Living in Britain I see people working while sick a lot more often than in Sweden, and it really annoys me.

Do you find it hard to be open minded and understanding about these things?

billconan · 10 years ago
I'm very open minded, but it is still difficult for me to adapt to the culture differences for two reasons.

The first problem is lacking feedback. Nobody would correct you, if there is a difference, until you find it by yourself too late or in a nasty way. Sometimes people's disfavor is very subtle, because they want to be polite too. You will have to sense it.

Many years ago, my cousin visited us in China. With her were her friends, a Filipino american family (I guess they were raised in the U.S.). They gave me a gift and I didn't open right away. They asked why? They didn't seem to be happy and accused me of being rude.

Another year, I visited Germany. My family has a very good German friend. She insisted to give me money and gifts as it was during the Chinese new year. But based on my culture training I refused it. She seemed to be upset, she thought our family was refusing her.

The second problem is that culture is really a habit thing. When it grows on you, it is really difficult to change. When people say "Oh, you are really good at this." The Chinese response would be "No, I'm not good at this at all!" But I would look like an idiot if I say this in the U.S. I knew it, but it really needs some mental power to correct it, because conversations happen so fast and sudden, you don't have time to think.

I spent a lot of time to change it to "Really!" and finally only recently I had learnt to respond "Thank you!"

switch007 · 10 years ago
We have to contend with idiotic HR departments that force you to have a "fit to work" meeting if you're off for a single day, which contributes to presenteeism. Also, all it takes is one person to fake sickness a couple of times, and then HR implement policies that affect everyone.

Though, among the proles, I've noticed intensifying hatred for people that come in sick...but also do it ourselves.

silencio · 10 years ago
US perspective here, but I've seen people work while sick if only because they couldn't afford to take sick days for whatever reason. Everything from making money to pay bills/put food on the table to being unable to afford a doctor visit so they just deal with it for as long as possible. :/
Aloisius · 10 years ago
There are a lot of good books on etiquette that cover both cultural norms, courtesy and manners that would have made your life a lot easier. In fact, I like to read books on foreign etiquette before traveling to another country simply because I don't want to offend anyone.

Unfortunately, no one was going to correct you on your mistakes. Since you're not a child, people assume you know better and don't want to presume you don't just because you didn't grow up here.

Programmatic · 10 years ago
Do you have any particular recommendations for books?
lucb1e · 10 years ago
> It took me a while to get used to say "thank you" in this situation.

Sort of denying it or "trying to make it less" (not sure how to say that correctly in English) is something I tend to do a lot as well. People here (in the Netherlands) are not offended at all.

seanp2k2 · 10 years ago
Yeah, in my experience, denying compliments like that is generally seen as humble more than impolite (in the US).
smorrow · 10 years ago
Downplaying it.
timr · 10 years ago
This is too cute by half. Yeah, I suppose you can try to dissect something like this in terms of the subtleties of language and the forces they have on interpersonal interactions. But then, to do that, you'd have to be ignoring some of the huge, gaping differences between Chinese culture and Western culture: those same people who are shouting "off the car!" are probably also pushing you out of the way while they say it (welcome to China!)

In other words, it isn't just language, or even mostly language. By western standards, Chinese people are damned rude, in general. They can certainly be lovely, warm people, and there are deep cultural explanations for the behavior that are fun to explore...but still, don't get lost in meditation about it when you're walking in Beijing, or you'll get run over by a grandma who is driving her motorcycle on the sidewalk (hey...you were in the way!)

Likewise, the whole extended meditation on what shopkeepers say to you on the way out the door is...overwrought. There are a few comments in this thread that suggest that the author's translation is perhaps a bit too literal:

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9712050https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9712559

...which wouldn't be surprising in Mandarin, where words/sounds/symbols are overloaded, and meaning depends heavily on context.

Also, sometimes people just say things because that's what they say. Every shopkeeper in Paris will say "good journey!" to you as you walk out the door. You could write an essay on how beautifully meaningful it is that they're wishing you goodwill in your life's journey -- or you could remember that the dude who just sold you toilet paper doesn't really care. It's automatic. (Fun fact: the greeter at WalMart doesn't really care if your day is nice, either.)

This essay strikes me as someone fetishizing a culture, deeming it "mysterious", and trying to find great meaning in the self-imposed mysteries, when simpler explanations are at hand.

molmalo · 10 years ago
> Every shopkeeper in Paris will say "good journey!" to you as you walk out the door.

Actually, it's bonne journée, which means "good day"...

timr · 10 years ago
Ah, indeed. I knew that was the word they were saying, but I'd always, incorrectly, assumed that the jour/journée distinction derived from the same root as the English "journey".

Oops. Bad example. Thanks for pointing that out.

(EDIT: actually, looking up the English word, we borrowed it from the French journée! So I got the example right, but for entirely the wrong reasons, and in the wrong direction.)

natch · 10 years ago
The one glaring surprise in this article is that the author thinks "excuse me" in US English is used as an expression of politeness. Usually it is used in the opposite way, as an innuendo which pretends to be polite on the surface but really means "hey, you are being rude by blocking the path / taking up too much space." If you don't believe me, pay attention to how it is used when walking or standing in a crowded shop, subway platform, or sidewalk in any crowded area of a US city. Especially listen to the tone of the words. When these words are used, it usually is not with anything near a polite tone.

"Pardon me" and "sorry" on the other hand are, in my experience, used politely.

asQuirreL · 10 years ago
Personally, when I say "excuse me" on the pavement, I'm being sincere :) the space is no more mine than it is their's. But, I think all of this varies based on the culture of your immediate surroundings (for context, I live in London, UK). After all, "excuse me" could only be used ironically, if its genuine tone was apologetic (at least somewhere). I also have heard "pardon me" used interchangeably with "excuse me" in the ironic sense (usually to feign not having heard an offensive remark).
adevine · 10 years ago
As you say, though, it all depends on tone. Excuse me can either be respectful, or it can be an accusation that you're being rude. When it's the latter, what the speaker really means is "Excuse you!"
praxeologist · 10 years ago
Could you please elaborate with the language?
Aloisius · 10 years ago
The choice of "excuse me" or "pardon me" is largely regional. I grew up with "excuse me," but switched to just "pardon" because it works in French and Spanish too.

If it is meant rudely or not is entirely based on the person's mood who said it and the vast majority of the time, the reason it is said with contempt in their voice is because the other person is ignoring social norms and being rude themselves.

Your example of standing in a crowded shop is quite apt here. The socially acceptable thing to do when you notice someone who wants to get by is to move back slightly and try to let them through. When you just stand there blocking the path without even trying even in a crowded shop, you have broken social norms which annoys people.

It can also of course be also be used rudely when someone is in a rush and is frustrated that people aren't obeying social norms fast enough, but I find that to be far more rare.

jessriedel · 10 years ago
Sort of, except that the mere fact that you go through the motions of choosing polite words is itself a minor signal of respect. (Saying "move it" is obviously less respectful.)
byw · 10 years ago
Politeness and passive-aggression usually go hand-in-hand. They're both strategies used to avoid confrontations.
mturmon · 10 years ago
I learned it that "excuse me" and "pardon me" are both impolite, because they are commands, directing the offended party to further excuse or pardon you.

"Please pardon me" is getting better, as is "I'm so sorry," etc.

asdf99 · 10 years ago
in Portuguese you have two translations for excuse me. one means sorry "desculpa", the other means get out of the way "com licença". the later when used forcing your way thru a door at the same time as somebody else is extremely rude. and that's how Portuguese speakers hear excuse me in this situations.
jasonjei · 10 years ago
I think this is more of a reflection of mainland China than Taiwan or some of the other overseas Chinese communities. Taiwan takes a lot from its Japanese colonial days. A lot of the polite "culture" also left China (to Taiwan or elsewhere) after 1949, due to the Communists winning the Civil War. The 1930s Shanghaiers of the wealthy class did pad their speech with lots of pleasantries. However, the rural people (many of whom top Communist party officials trace their ancestry) did speak a lot coarser, as is the case in America too with farmers as opposed to city slickers.
chrischen · 10 years ago
I'm not sure the Chinese nationalists had any more respect either, since they sacrificed tons of lives by intentionally flooding rivers during WWII.
swang · 10 years ago
This is such an absurd response to your OP. Like a Russian saying Germans are a bit rude then a German replying, "do you know how many lives Stalin sacrificed at Stalingrad?!"

That is to say that while your statement is true it doesn't really negate the original statement.

stevendaniels · 10 years ago
There are so many intricacies to being polite in China. Living in China for over 12 years hasn't taught me even half of what I'd need to know. I don't think one can decide whether a society is polite or not based on one or two phrases.

Comparing what constitues politeness in China and in America is an interesting topic. In China, it is polite for younger people to greet their elders with the proper title (e.g. Grandfather Li, Second Auntie, etc., uncle) when meeting them. In America, teens will often go into people's houses without so much as a "hello". It's funny how far Chinese people will take this. Even children who can barely talk are strongly encouraged to greet their elders appropriately, and for most kids, grandfather (爷爷 yéyé), auntie (阿姨 āyí), grandmother (奶奶 nǎinai) and uncle (叔叔 shūshu) are probably among a childs first 10 words.

ronnier · 10 years ago
After traveling to 30+ countries, China multiple times, and currently living in Japan, the last thing I associate with China is politeness.
mazerackham · 10 years ago
You're still stuck in your narrow view of politeness. The concept of politeness is not a constant, but a variable that changes throughout various cultures.
stevendaniels · 10 years ago
My comment didn't say that China is or isn't polite. I just said the discussion of politeness can't be reduced to the usage of one or two phrases.
codychan · 10 years ago
I'm Chinese. The most confusing thing for me between English and Chinese is the number. English number is seperated by comma every 3 digits (thousand, million, billion),no matter in formats like 3 billion or 100,000,000, but in Chinese, the number is seperated by 4 digits, and this happens in every format except one, printed 100,000,000 format. The printed ditgit format is affected by western world and for international convenience. When we say or write it in Chinese we use "万"(ten thousand) and "亿"(one hundred million) which are 1,0000 and 1,0000,0000 (I never see this digit format which is seperated by comma every 4 digits), so every time I see something like 123 million or 123,456,789 in English, I'll seperated it from 3 by 3 to 4 by 4, million is 1,000,000 which is 100,0000, so 123 million which is 123,000,000 will be converted into 1,2300,0000 which is 1亿2300万, in my head.
derefr · 10 years ago
A similar confusion used to arise between the American and British meanings of "billion." An American billion (now the only version) was a thousand million. In Britain, this unit was called a "milliard", and a British billion was equal to a million million instead.

Effectively, the British were thinking in terms of a billion being "made out of" millions, to create numbers that would look intuitively like "1,000000,000000."

octatoan · 10 years ago
In India, it's three the first time (1,000), then two (1,00,000 = one lakh, 1,00,00,000 = one crore) after that.
nicolas_t · 10 years ago
One thing I've noticed with oversea Chinese in South East Asia is that they tend to say thanks and please a lot more than Chinese from the mainland (At least I've noticed it for people speaking Hokkien don't have as much experience with other dialects). I wonder if it's because they also speak English and got used to say Thank you and Please more regularly.
yvsong · 10 years ago
Ancient China had tons of courtesy in social interactions, and used to consider other countries uncivilized. The lack of courtesy in Mainland China is due to the communist revolution, which promoted tough fighting mentality to break social hierarchy and order, and threw away traditional values. It's an aggressive way of promoting equality. The revolution is over since Chairman Mao left. Now that the Communist Party is the governing party, the emphasis is hierarchy and order, or in a better sounding word -- stability, so that they can stay in power forever. They try to bring back traditional values, but the revolutionary damages are hard to overcome.
jasonjei · 10 years ago
Well stated. To see "polite" culture in China, just watch some old 1930s movies. There are also some modern movies that have tried to copy "politeness" patterns of 1930s and 1940s China, such as Ang Lee's《色戒》.
mistermann · 10 years ago
That's very interesting....would you say it would have been similar to the extreme social politeness of Japanese society? I've always been very curious how despite coming from a similar geographical region that they tend to be on polar opposite ends of the politeness spectrum (yes, some stereotyping here, but let's be honest).
theophrastus · 10 years ago
Formality versus familiarity ...it's a puzzle for us westerners.

As a states speaker of english i have always suffered when to use the familiar 'you'. French: Vous/Tu, German: Sie/Du, Russian: вы/ты ... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/T%E2%80%93V_distinction

The most amusing guidance i ever received was from a French postdoc: "So, once you've slept with someone, -then- you can use 'the tu'"