Notch, if you're reading this, my deepest sympathy. I understand the devastation of losing a parent; I lost my mother about a year ago. I'm still not "back to normal" and don't know if I ever will be.
I used to do art, music, and comedy, and even practiced my religion, often just for her. I loved to make her laugh and it was so easy to make her proud. In the past year, I have done none of that stuff and don't know when or if I ever will.
Programming is one of the few things I've ever done that I never did just to say, "Hey Ma! Look what I did!" She never understood it. So in the past year, it's one of the few things I've been able to do. I've written a ton of code and taken great comfort it in.
I won't even attempt to give advice; none of the advice I've received from well-intentioned others in the past year has been helpful. I just hope you, me, and others like us find comfort in the wonderful memories of beloved parents and find a way to move on with our lives.
My mom passed away when I was 10, 14 years ago now (she was 37, brain aneurism, even if the docs had known nothing could have been done to prevent it), and I know that it affected me, and it has affected what I do. What is considered normal though? After 14 years I still miss her, I still think about her, and even-though I am not religious and logically I know she is no longer here, and can't feel or see the things I do, I do hope she is proud of me.
In all honesty there really is no "normal", you attempt to go on with your life, the reminders become less and less yet at times you will look at something and instantly have a flash back.
I wish you the best of luck, losing anyone close is terrible, so far I've been incredibly lucky that I still have my grandparents on both side of the family, and my dad, and my three younger siblings, and that we've all shared the same experience makes it easier to slowly attempt to move on.
I for one, salute you for having the awareness to know that snippets of advice won't help and having such a thoughtful response. I often feel like the stock advice given in these situations just makes me feel worse.
I'm constantly impressed by people that have the ability to share their personal life with the world in an honest way that reveals the vulnerabilities we all share as humans. It is so much more refreshing than the opposite, where we pretend our lives are perfect and we never experience moments of doubt or melancholy.
It is rare to see someone make a post like this. This is precisely what makes it so refreshing and beautiful.
I agree with being impressed, but I am not sure the opposite of being able to share is pretending we are perfect. Maybe, it's just being unable to.
My dad passed away eleven months ago, no day goes by without thinking of him, and I may be able to get to the end of this without crying, but I can't manage a blog post.
My mother committed suicide when I was five years old. She was lost for seven months and I never really understood she was dead until several months had passed. It took years before I actually came to the point where I could cry. Believe me, it is better to embrace the sorrow now and deal with it rather than to keep it within you for the rest of your life.
I too lost my Father, but at a young age (12). Deal with your emotions as you can, and take time for yourself. That is the only advice that I found is portable across different people.
Its been 15 years for me, and it gets easier with time. But recently I hit the 15 year mark and just lost it. For some reason that number was bigger than any year previously. I suspect it had something to do with the fact that I have lived 55% of my life without my father around.
But let's not fall into the trap of "honest, open sharing" is better than pretending, that pretending is bad, or that either is better than not sharing at all. Lots of people make their lives better by pretending enough so that it becomes so. Lots of people also aren't interested in sharing at all. Lots of what appears to be open honest vulnerability sharing is also posturing and pretending, but it's hard for an outsider to know.
My aunt went through the same situation. She became clinically depressed for several years after going through the IVF process several times. She was on medication and had completely withdrawn from life. It wasn't until they decided instead to adopt a child from Korea that she changed, almost overnight.
After the successful adoption, my aunt completely changed. All she ever wanted was a family and to raise children. Adopting their son from Korea inspired her again. She got off medication and returned to her fun, outgoing self. It was an amazing transformation. They wee both in their mid forties when they decided to adopt.
I'm so sorry for your lose, but please, don't get discouraged and give up on having a family. Consider adoption. There are so many different kinds of adoption available these days and there are so many children in need of good loving families like yours.
If you need more information, DM me and I can go in more detail about their experience.
Thanks for sharing. Reading other's stories like this helps me a bit - my fiance had a miscarriage in October and I'm still not 100% sure that I've dealt with it properly.
We are lucky as we have a 1 year old son but we really would love more. My sympathies are with you.
It may be refreshing, but people aren't drawn to it. It's the same idea as to why people are drawn to assholes, why people respect someone who speaks their mind more than someone who is a poeple pleaser etc. You speak like this for long enough around people, and they just wont want to be around you.
Every now and then, like you said, it's refreshing.
I am very happy that my parents are married to each other, and my alive grandparents too, and that they don't have issues like this (what my father "abuse" is coca-cola, he rarely drinks, and noone smokes).
And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling.
I am seeking a girlfriend that wants to be a mother, and I am not finding, most of them are self-centered, and come from divorced families, the only girl that ever became my girlfriend (and is still a good friend) was the only one that I found that still had married parents.
You must be quite young. To me, what defines a good relationship (in terms of having a partner) is not necessarily that what you have in common with the other is a strong desire for stability, family life & kids. I've seen people get married because of this desire, and the people I've observed doing that don't necessarily seem very happy. On the contrary, actually. After a while they just become jaded. Like people in a job that they don't enjoy but that they need to do to pay the mortgage. I think these situations are quite unhealthy, and ultimately unsatisfying.
What defines a good relationship, in my opinion, is two people that know what they want out of life, that chase their own goals and have their own dreams, and then decide to do that together. It's much harder though, because sometimes these goals clash, but I wouldn't want it any other way.
I am a Indian and have seen this line often repeated.
A relationship from my cultural perspective is also about committing to make it work. I am trying to bootstrap a startup with my best friend and there is lot in common between us but when going gets tough, it is important to be not an asshole.
I am married as well. My wife's and my own dreams are somewhat different, but if I decide somehow to let my dreams take precedence over hers, there will be trouble. It is same as a startup, when going gets tough - it is important to be responsible/respecting and more importantly not let outside world affect the relationship.
Coming from a culture when arranged marriages have been the norm for ages, I can't overemphasis simply willingness to stick. I don't know and it may sound strange - most people are essentially good (and well meaning in their own way) and as we Indians have come to terms with the fact that, Love can blossom in arranged marriage as well. Where you did not know your life partner beforehand.
Trying to find perfect partner with whom goals and ambitions match is unicorn and rainbows.
EDIT: Just to be clear, I wasn't contradicting you, because clearly we agree on certain points.
Coming from a broken home impacts everyone differently, and particularly when you end up raising yourself (and your siblings). The idea that someone doesn't want to be a mother because they're self-centered is very far from the truth. They are more likely to be aware of their vulnerabilities and the fear that they will end up like their parents. Worse, they may have long-term damage (or mental health issues that plagued their parents as well) that they don't feel would make them strong parents. I consider that responsible, not self-centered.
It depends on the individual and her specific background, but for instance for girls of mothers that suffered from domestic violence there's a very high probability they'll end up with a violent husband, even though they keep telling themselves that they won't. Forgot how this syndrome was called, and this iPad is awful for doing Google searches.
Basically we are doomed to repeat many of same mistakes as our parents. You do have a certain control over your life, but eternal vigilance and self-awareness is required. I keep seeing this every day, as I'm now a father too. For example my father was a workaholic that didn't have much time for me. He was also very critical of other people's mistakes. I tend to repeat these same mistakes, even though I make an effort not to, but sometimes I just can't help myself.
It really depends on the individual though. I have at least one friend coming from a broken home and he's one of the most balanced individuals I know.
I think it's a nurture vs nature question. Maybe it makes you strong and hard person who makes it in life. Life is though if you have setbacks to deal with. If you are golden spooned maybe by the first setback you crumble...
If you want to have kids and want a partner that is into that, that's fine. However, being self-centered and wanting to be a parent aren't mutually exclusive, as I have met adults whose parents were/are extremely self-centered and that factored in heavily into the abusive situations those adults lived in when they were children.
> And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling.
I'm not really sure what you are talking about, families have always had issues with abuse, divorce, etc., that is nothing new (even if people may have hidden those things more often in the past, but that really depends on when and where you grew up).
I am form Brazil, no-fault divorce was only allowed in the 70s (in comparison to US for example), and divorce rates rose very quickly.
Three years ago the divorce laws were made even more lax, and divorce rate tripled immediately (ie: one year after the law, the amount of divorce year-to-year was 3 times).
Most of my friends have divorced parents, I knew few people that actually have married parents, and frequently when people meet my family they say they are envious.
Also the marriage rates are plummeting too (and although the co-habitation rates are rising, it is not rising fast enough to compensate).
I know lots of self-centered people that are parents.
What I mean is that it is hard to find women that actually WANT to live a life of sacrifice, living for the family, instead of living to themselves.
I've met some women that when I ask if they want to be mother they say:
"Oh, sure!"
And then I ask:
"So, when you have your 4 months old kid, you will stay at home to take care of it if your husband is rich enough for that?"
And then most of them reply:
"Hell no, the kid can stay in the creche, or watching TV with the babysitter, I must work."
Funnily, I have a friend that insists that she will even have a kid using sperm bank, and she will take care of that kid alone, yet she hates her mother because she feels her mother did not gave attention enough to her (her mother is a divorced lawyer, and the girl was cared by the house cleaning lady that lived in the house, when she has problems she still talk to that lady instead of her mother).
Try to appreciate your family for as long as you can, since you'll never know when they're gone.
In 2004, when I was 23 years old, I lost both my parents and a sister in a car accident. We had a really nice family and great parents, never expected this to happen. It caused me a depression that lasted almost 7 years.
Personally I wouldn't want a girlfriend that wants to become a mother, the pain of losing someone very dear to you is intense and I wouldn't want another depression that lasts as long as my previous one.
You have to balance the risk of pain with the possibility of joy. It is certainly possible to live a life cut of from others where you never have to worry about losing anybody, but you lose the joy that comes from those same connections. While it's true that the closer the connection, the greater the chance of pain, it is also true that they are also greater sources of joy.
Having gone through more than one multi-year depression, I can appreciate you wanting to avoid that. Just don't avoid living and loving to do so.
While I'm sad that you cannot find this ideal girlfriend (which I am also looking for) it's not a bad thing that you are at least finding out that they are self-centered. You want to find someone like yourself who looks forward to having a stable family.
Can you imagine marrying someone who's self-centered and you finally have kids? That could be disasterous. There could be lots of regret that you can't undo and you end up going down the path of divorce or worse.
I would be interested in knowing whether or not one's likelihood to divorce is correlated with whether or not one's parents were divorced. Do you know what the data say?
edit: I found some data. It looks like a couple is twice as likely to divorce if one of them comes from a divorced family, and three times as likely if both do: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/26714.php
My uncle hanged himself after years being an alcoholic, the alcohol destroyed his family and pushed him away from everybody.
Near the end of it all he was acting delusional, lying to his bar friends about how good his life was, just stright up making stuff up, like having a huge barbecue in his non existant farm, or so I heard through my dad.
He killed himself between christmas and new year. His son spent christmas in my house, and I had the idea to go visit him, and days later he killed himself.
For the longest time I blamed myself, I kept thoughts like "maybe if I had gone...", I kept believing that maybe the wanting to go see him was God's way to stop the tragedy from happening. I no longer blame myself, though I do wonder if having gone there would have changed anything.
My father has substance abuse problems too (alcohol dependency for 20 years) and it has destroyed his relationship with my siblings and my mother, he's going to lose what little he has left very soon and I genuinely fear he's going to do something very similar to what is mentioned here. I am the only child that will talk to him without contempt and I have long since left home. He lost his own father very recently and that pushed him deeper.
What do I do? How do you deal with a situation like this?
I dated a woman from a family like this. Her dad was in Vietnam and his squad was ambushed and he managed to find a hiding place from which he was able to witness the entire rest of his squad murdered in cold blood. 3 days later he got the balls to leave his hiding spot and the alcoholism began when he got home after being discharged. Classic PTSD case.
Your dad needs to see a counselor to help treat the alcoholism and a therapist to try to eliminate any underlying psychological issues that might be feeding into the alcoholism if there are any.
My uncle died of essentially alcoholism.
You have the right to tell your dad, dead in the eye, that you fear for his life and that he does not have to continue this downward spiral. He will need to summon a will in order to beat it, though. It might help to also remove him from the environments that contribute to his problem, such as moving to a dry town.
It still amazes me that I used to drink more (was always moderate) but really tapered off lately for multiple reasons (most related to health) without much difficulty at all, yet some people get completely addicted to this thing. (I have nearly all German and Czech ancestry which might help.) Yet there is a game called WoW that I can't seem to tear myself completely away from, and there is a woman on this planet that is impossible for me to not have amazing sex with when alone (she shares the same vulnerability) who I unfortunately cannot be anywhere near anymore because we are not right for each other and must focus on other people...
AA's founder originally believed that LSD had potential to cure substance abuse, and although he later stepped away from that belief to make religion a bigger aspect of it, researchers believe that it is far more likely to help than even AA itself. There was additional information (along with personal experiences) in a recent Reddit TIL that may be of interest to you - http://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/14mpow/til_bi...
If that's an option you think he'd try out, perhaps there's a facility nearby that could help.
Edit: If you're going to downvote, do so because something is legitimately wrong and prove otherwise, not because you don't agree with it. This topic is a big deal and my response is equally as serious.
I won't argue the science, since you're likely correct, but taking one substance to counter the effects of another doesn't do anything to address the root cause of the problem.
It's no use curing alcoholism only to have it replaced by gambling, drugs or sex.
The issue is that the addiction is used as a crutch to avoid dealing with the real problem. Until you deal with that real problem - and some of them are extremely difficult to "deal" with, so I'm not trying to downplay this - you will not really be "cured".
I'm in no way qualified to give you a professional answer, but from a human perspective, I'd start by talking to him and expressing the very fears you just described. Make him understand that it concerns you, and that you're there for him should he ever feel that inclination. Just being able to talk about things with other people can be a tremendous help when dealing with stressful situations. Make sure he understands that he's not completely alone.
That's a very good-spirited answer, but not a very realistic one, I am afraid. Most of the people who exhibit problems of that kind ARE talked to; their parents, children, friends etc are, on average, truly caring and do attempt to help. The sad truth is - a lot of people who gave up on 'life' have damn good reasons to have done so. A lot of them would laugh at you if you try to 'talk' to them, providing they have some laugh left in them --- because most of them actually did hear it all already, and it just wasn't enough.
Another sad truth is: substance abuse actually does solve a lot of problems, just not in a "socially acceptable way". But, well - a lot of people don't care about what's "socially acceptable".
Short answer is - you don't, really. There's very little one can do to help a grown-up person with a history of substance abuse. Unless you believe in God: but the efficacy of that approach is, clearly, impossible to scientifically verify.
If only the belief in God sincerely caused a difference in substance abuse, I'd be endorsing religiosity for its own sake!
Of course, I'm sure you're referencing the will of God, but considering how many sincere faithful have their struggles with physical addiction, the belief alone is not enough :(
The efficacy of any approach for dealing with substance abuse can be investigated scientifically: try it, and compare with a control group, trying to control for as many variables as you can. If it creates a significant difference, then something is probably going on. If there's no significant difference, then it probably doesn't work. Absence of evidence is, of course, evidence of absence.
None of this changes when the approach in question involves hypothetical supernatural intervention.
Having been in a similar situation as Notch, also ending in a very similar way, all advice I can give is to make the best of the time you have and don't waste it on contempt and hate. I wish that I had been able to have a more understanding attitude than I did.
In order to help your addicted father you should consider first focusing on yourself. The stress and guilt of having an addicted loved one can affect your own mental health. Speak to an addiction specialist, they can help you formulate appropriate actions in dealing with your father, perhaps an intervention, perhaps something else. Al-Anon (http://al-anon.alateen.org/) is a good resource.
This is a very good point. At one point in time I went to a therapist to discuss my family member's alcoholism in an attempt to get them help. The therapist gave me some good advice for my family member but also recommended that I seek therapy of my own. I did so for over half a year and it helped me work through issues relating to my relationship with my family member but also some anxiety issues of my own. If you are uncomfortable with the group setting of al-anon (as I was), you should really look into one-on-one counseling.
1) Try and fix him. I know this is generally thought of as a bad idea, but I think it will be important for you to know that you did everything within your power for him in the event that something bad happens. When (adult) children lose a parent, the ones that mourn the loudest are typically the ones that were not taking care of the parent in their decline. The ones that support them in their declining years get to meet the sad day knowing they did everything they could for their loved one. I think this brings comfort by removing any guilt that someone might have.
2) If recovery is not an option, accept it. If you have run through all the reasonable things to be done to help your father from the outside, there is nothing left for you to do to fix him. Accept him for all his good characteristics and bad, and simply show him love.
3) Wait. Even if you were unable to fix him, he still might come around on his own, which is most likely what needs to happen anyways.
Someone with a substance abuse problem is the only person that can tackle that issue. Attending alchoholics anonymous or narcotics anonymous (or a similar 12-step style program) can be a start, and it is really helpful if said person attends therapy with a professional of some form outside of those kinds of programs (church staff don't count, this absolutely should be a trained therapist, psychologist, etc). Outside of that, there isn't anything you can do. It should be noted that not talking to someone with a substance abuse problems is a wholly legitimate thing to do, as you aren't required to put yourself in situations that are harmful to your own mental and physical well being.
Feel free to email me at jevinsweval@gmail.com if you (or anyone else) would like to chat. I grew up with an alcoholic family member who is thankfully sober for almost two years now after 20 years of drinking. There is no single answer but there is hope.
I was once in your exact same situation. If you want to talk privately let me know. The extent of the possibilities of your actions are merely going to be within the confines of guidance, nothing you do will be a magic bullet. It'll take time, it'll take effort, but it's possible to recover. Your father has to be the one to take actions to fix the situation.
Disclaimer: This is my own personal experience and opinion. I've dealt with substance abuse issues for many years and I've known several people for whom substance abuse exacted the ultimate toll.
The short of it: There are no reliable solutions. There are no good answers.
People with depression and substance abuse issues don't think the way non abusers do. They know what they're doing is wrong and that it could lead to death or going further down the spiral, but their ability to rationalize their behavior is all powerful. It has nothing to do with will power or motivation. There's something wired differently in the brain.
Medication, AA, NA, inpatient treatment, religion are all good things to try. Sometimes one of them sticks. I wish you the best of luck. The only advice I can give is this: If something bad happens with your father, it is not your fault. There is nothing you can do to change his behavior. All you can do is be supportive if he recognizes the need to make a change.
This is actually really good information. Above all else, no one can "make it right" except for the person with the substance abuse problem.
I've spent years trying to put my alcoholic mother into this program or that group. I've even gone so far as to give myself depression issues over the situation. But, at the end of the day, she's the only that can decide to make the situation better and do something about it. Today, the only thing I can do is make my life better, even if it means cutting ties with her as she becomes more unresponsive. It's an absolutely brutal hurdle to get over, but it's the absolute truth.
People with depression and substance abuse issues don't think the way non abusers do. They know what they're doing is wrong and that it could lead to death or going further down the spiral, but their ability to rationalize their behavior is all powerful. It has nothing to do with will power or motivation. There's something wired differently in the brain.
This. What helped me is to see the good person behind the illness and separate that him or her from the illness. During bad moment, it will affect you less (it's the illness, not that soul that is affected by it), during good moments it is easier to connect to that person.
Also, if someone has a severe mental illness that cannot be cured or properly medicated, and has young children, protect them if it is within your power. Every child has the right (and need) to grow up in a safe environment.
I've never met Markus Persson, but its obvious from reading his tweets and posts that he is a good person. If anyone deserves the success he's had, its him.
Indeed. Arrogant people get their requests fulfilled more often than humble people because they push for it, and many people who have the power to give that stuff are either arrogant and depise humble people or humble and intimidated.
I'm not so sure that he is entirely a good person or worth this level of praise. He spends a lot of time apologizing for Twitter drama that he invents, and it seems like he has the tendency to shoot first and ask questions later.
The Yogscast debacle comes to mind. For those that are unaware, Yogscast, one of the biggest promotional engines sending traffic to Minecraft, went to Minecon on their own dime and did an autograph panel. Notch responded by eviscerating them on Twitter for, among other things, wishing to be helped out financially for their appearance (which cost them quite a bit, and, let's be honest, Mojang is not broke; Mojang also sold the rights to broadcast Yogscast's own show without asking). This was all based upon drama invented in Notch's head, and he had to profusely apologize later.
It seems like Notch goes out of his way to find drama. However good of a person he is tends to be undone by his occasionally childish behavior.
This comment thread is about this blog post. Given what he has revealed about himself and his family, and the way he has revealed it, he absolutely deserves praise, if only for the courage of putting pen to paper to express it (figuratively speaking, of course). He has shared something that I'm sure he has kept very close to himself.
He went through what is most certainly the most painful thing one can possibly experience (the death of a loved one by their own hand). You are trivializing something that is both moving and a show of great courage on his part. Now is not the time for personal criticism. Please, allow him whatever therapeutic benefit he can get by writing his post, and save your trivial criticisms for another post; most likely, (admittedly, I don't know you) he has suffered more from this than you ever have about anything.
I'm pretty certain that was a misunderstanding, not in any way malevolent.
Do you really think he is trying to find drama? That makes no sense at all. He is inexperienced at being famous and communicating publicly. That's all.
People like you are extremely intolerant and grating to me. This is a non-issue, and you make it into a big deal.
This hit pretty close to home. My father just moved in with me after calling me last week and telling me he was going to kill himself. I managed to calm him down and convince him to move in with me for a while, so hopefully this is the beginning of the road to recovery.
Reading the comments helps to know there are others helping to carry the burdens of their own families. Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories.
A lot of readers will probably have some self-reflection after reading this. It might even push some to give their parents a call, or sort out some issues. Even someone with a perfect family will remember that nothing lasts forever. Enjoy your time friends.
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I used to do art, music, and comedy, and even practiced my religion, often just for her. I loved to make her laugh and it was so easy to make her proud. In the past year, I have done none of that stuff and don't know when or if I ever will.
Programming is one of the few things I've ever done that I never did just to say, "Hey Ma! Look what I did!" She never understood it. So in the past year, it's one of the few things I've been able to do. I've written a ton of code and taken great comfort it in.
I won't even attempt to give advice; none of the advice I've received from well-intentioned others in the past year has been helpful. I just hope you, me, and others like us find comfort in the wonderful memories of beloved parents and find a way to move on with our lives.
More about my mother here: http://edweissman.com/betty-weissman-1930-2011
In all honesty there really is no "normal", you attempt to go on with your life, the reminders become less and less yet at times you will look at something and instantly have a flash back.
I wish you the best of luck, losing anyone close is terrible, so far I've been incredibly lucky that I still have my grandparents on both side of the family, and my dad, and my three younger siblings, and that we've all shared the same experience makes it easier to slowly attempt to move on.
You never, ever get over it. Just get passed it.
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I'm constantly impressed by people that have the ability to share their personal life with the world in an honest way that reveals the vulnerabilities we all share as humans. It is so much more refreshing than the opposite, where we pretend our lives are perfect and we never experience moments of doubt or melancholy.
It is rare to see someone make a post like this. This is precisely what makes it so refreshing and beautiful.
My dad passed away eleven months ago, no day goes by without thinking of him, and I may be able to get to the end of this without crying, but I can't manage a blog post.
Its been 15 years for me, and it gets easier with time. But recently I hit the 15 year mark and just lost it. For some reason that number was bigger than any year previously. I suspect it had something to do with the fact that I have lived 55% of my life without my father around.
But let's not fall into the trap of "honest, open sharing" is better than pretending, that pretending is bad, or that either is better than not sharing at all. Lots of people make their lives better by pretending enough so that it becomes so. Lots of people also aren't interested in sharing at all. Lots of what appears to be open honest vulnerability sharing is also posturing and pretending, but it's hard for an outsider to know.
tl;dr- don't judge.
http://longposts.com/1990082
After the successful adoption, my aunt completely changed. All she ever wanted was a family and to raise children. Adopting their son from Korea inspired her again. She got off medication and returned to her fun, outgoing self. It was an amazing transformation. They wee both in their mid forties when they decided to adopt.
I'm so sorry for your lose, but please, don't get discouraged and give up on having a family. Consider adoption. There are so many different kinds of adoption available these days and there are so many children in need of good loving families like yours.
If you need more information, DM me and I can go in more detail about their experience.
We are lucky as we have a 1 year old son but we really would love more. My sympathies are with you.
EDIT: Here it is: http://web.archive.org/web/20101214221345/http://diveintomar...
Every now and then, like you said, it's refreshing.
Really? My feelings on Notch have been greatly elevated by it. It shows an incredibly positive attitude about life.
What Notch is talking about is life.
And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling.
I am seeking a girlfriend that wants to be a mother, and I am not finding, most of them are self-centered, and come from divorced families, the only girl that ever became my girlfriend (and is still a good friend) was the only one that I found that still had married parents.
What defines a good relationship, in my opinion, is two people that know what they want out of life, that chase their own goals and have their own dreams, and then decide to do that together. It's much harder though, because sometimes these goals clash, but I wouldn't want it any other way.
A relationship from my cultural perspective is also about committing to make it work. I am trying to bootstrap a startup with my best friend and there is lot in common between us but when going gets tough, it is important to be not an asshole.
I am married as well. My wife's and my own dreams are somewhat different, but if I decide somehow to let my dreams take precedence over hers, there will be trouble. It is same as a startup, when going gets tough - it is important to be responsible/respecting and more importantly not let outside world affect the relationship.
Coming from a culture when arranged marriages have been the norm for ages, I can't overemphasis simply willingness to stick. I don't know and it may sound strange - most people are essentially good (and well meaning in their own way) and as we Indians have come to terms with the fact that, Love can blossom in arranged marriage as well. Where you did not know your life partner beforehand.
Trying to find perfect partner with whom goals and ambitions match is unicorn and rainbows.
EDIT: Just to be clear, I wasn't contradicting you, because clearly we agree on certain points.
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Basically we are doomed to repeat many of same mistakes as our parents. You do have a certain control over your life, but eternal vigilance and self-awareness is required. I keep seeing this every day, as I'm now a father too. For example my father was a workaholic that didn't have much time for me. He was also very critical of other people's mistakes. I tend to repeat these same mistakes, even though I make an effort not to, but sometimes I just can't help myself.
It really depends on the individual though. I have at least one friend coming from a broken home and he's one of the most balanced individuals I know.
> And I am very sad to see that all other families are crumbling.
I'm not really sure what you are talking about, families have always had issues with abuse, divorce, etc., that is nothing new (even if people may have hidden those things more often in the past, but that really depends on when and where you grew up).
I am form Brazil, no-fault divorce was only allowed in the 70s (in comparison to US for example), and divorce rates rose very quickly.
Three years ago the divorce laws were made even more lax, and divorce rate tripled immediately (ie: one year after the law, the amount of divorce year-to-year was 3 times).
Most of my friends have divorced parents, I knew few people that actually have married parents, and frequently when people meet my family they say they are envious.
Also the marriage rates are plummeting too (and although the co-habitation rates are rising, it is not rising fast enough to compensate).
What I mean is that it is hard to find women that actually WANT to live a life of sacrifice, living for the family, instead of living to themselves.
I've met some women that when I ask if they want to be mother they say:
"Oh, sure!"
And then I ask:
"So, when you have your 4 months old kid, you will stay at home to take care of it if your husband is rich enough for that?"
And then most of them reply:
"Hell no, the kid can stay in the creche, or watching TV with the babysitter, I must work."
Funnily, I have a friend that insists that she will even have a kid using sperm bank, and she will take care of that kid alone, yet she hates her mother because she feels her mother did not gave attention enough to her (her mother is a divorced lawyer, and the girl was cared by the house cleaning lady that lived in the house, when she has problems she still talk to that lady instead of her mother).
In 2004, when I was 23 years old, I lost both my parents and a sister in a car accident. We had a really nice family and great parents, never expected this to happen. It caused me a depression that lasted almost 7 years.
Personally I wouldn't want a girlfriend that wants to become a mother, the pain of losing someone very dear to you is intense and I wouldn't want another depression that lasts as long as my previous one.
Having gone through more than one multi-year depression, I can appreciate you wanting to avoid that. Just don't avoid living and loving to do so.
Can you imagine marrying someone who's self-centered and you finally have kids? That could be disasterous. There could be lots of regret that you can't undo and you end up going down the path of divorce or worse.
However, it's not correct to imply that women with divorced families are worse somehow.
Um, you know, that's not always true.
edit: I found some data. It looks like a couple is twice as likely to divorce if one of them comes from a divorced family, and three times as likely if both do: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/26714.php
What does this have to do with the rest of your sentence? Are you implying that people who come from divorced families are more self-centered?
Dead Comment
Anyway, powerful blog post
What do I do? How do you deal with a situation like this?
Your dad needs to see a counselor to help treat the alcoholism and a therapist to try to eliminate any underlying psychological issues that might be feeding into the alcoholism if there are any.
My uncle died of essentially alcoholism.
You have the right to tell your dad, dead in the eye, that you fear for his life and that he does not have to continue this downward spiral. He will need to summon a will in order to beat it, though. It might help to also remove him from the environments that contribute to his problem, such as moving to a dry town.
It still amazes me that I used to drink more (was always moderate) but really tapered off lately for multiple reasons (most related to health) without much difficulty at all, yet some people get completely addicted to this thing. (I have nearly all German and Czech ancestry which might help.) Yet there is a game called WoW that I can't seem to tear myself completely away from, and there is a woman on this planet that is impossible for me to not have amazing sex with when alone (she shares the same vulnerability) who I unfortunately cannot be anywhere near anymore because we are not right for each other and must focus on other people...
If that's an option you think he'd try out, perhaps there's a facility nearby that could help.
Edit: If you're going to downvote, do so because something is legitimately wrong and prove otherwise, not because you don't agree with it. This topic is a big deal and my response is equally as serious.
It's no use curing alcoholism only to have it replaced by gambling, drugs or sex.
The issue is that the addiction is used as a crutch to avoid dealing with the real problem. Until you deal with that real problem - and some of them are extremely difficult to "deal" with, so I'm not trying to downplay this - you will not really be "cured".
If only the belief in God sincerely caused a difference in substance abuse, I'd be endorsing religiosity for its own sake!
Of course, I'm sure you're referencing the will of God, but considering how many sincere faithful have their struggles with physical addiction, the belief alone is not enough :(
None of this changes when the approach in question involves hypothetical supernatural intervention.
2) If recovery is not an option, accept it. If you have run through all the reasonable things to be done to help your father from the outside, there is nothing left for you to do to fix him. Accept him for all his good characteristics and bad, and simply show him love.
3) Wait. Even if you were unable to fix him, he still might come around on his own, which is most likely what needs to happen anyways.
The short of it: There are no reliable solutions. There are no good answers.
People with depression and substance abuse issues don't think the way non abusers do. They know what they're doing is wrong and that it could lead to death or going further down the spiral, but their ability to rationalize their behavior is all powerful. It has nothing to do with will power or motivation. There's something wired differently in the brain.
Medication, AA, NA, inpatient treatment, religion are all good things to try. Sometimes one of them sticks. I wish you the best of luck. The only advice I can give is this: If something bad happens with your father, it is not your fault. There is nothing you can do to change his behavior. All you can do is be supportive if he recognizes the need to make a change.
I've spent years trying to put my alcoholic mother into this program or that group. I've even gone so far as to give myself depression issues over the situation. But, at the end of the day, she's the only that can decide to make the situation better and do something about it. Today, the only thing I can do is make my life better, even if it means cutting ties with her as she becomes more unresponsive. It's an absolutely brutal hurdle to get over, but it's the absolute truth.
This. What helped me is to see the good person behind the illness and separate that him or her from the illness. During bad moment, it will affect you less (it's the illness, not that soul that is affected by it), during good moments it is easier to connect to that person.
Also, if someone has a severe mental illness that cannot be cured or properly medicated, and has young children, protect them if it is within your power. Every child has the right (and need) to grow up in a safe environment.
It's pretty sad.
The Yogscast debacle comes to mind. For those that are unaware, Yogscast, one of the biggest promotional engines sending traffic to Minecraft, went to Minecon on their own dime and did an autograph panel. Notch responded by eviscerating them on Twitter for, among other things, wishing to be helped out financially for their appearance (which cost them quite a bit, and, let's be honest, Mojang is not broke; Mojang also sold the rights to broadcast Yogscast's own show without asking). This was all based upon drama invented in Notch's head, and he had to profusely apologize later.
It seems like Notch goes out of his way to find drama. However good of a person he is tends to be undone by his occasionally childish behavior.
He went through what is most certainly the most painful thing one can possibly experience (the death of a loved one by their own hand). You are trivializing something that is both moving and a show of great courage on his part. Now is not the time for personal criticism. Please, allow him whatever therapeutic benefit he can get by writing his post, and save your trivial criticisms for another post; most likely, (admittedly, I don't know you) he has suffered more from this than you ever have about anything.
Do you really think he is trying to find drama? That makes no sense at all. He is inexperienced at being famous and communicating publicly. That's all.
People like you are extremely intolerant and grating to me. This is a non-issue, and you make it into a big deal.
Reading the comments helps to know there are others helping to carry the burdens of their own families. Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories.