I'm 35 and since the birth of my daughter I feel even more apart from "normal" behavior than before.
I have had several different therapists and autism has always been ruled out. My behavior is attributed to my intelligence. But I don't believe that.
I have approached problems methodically and functionally for as long as I can remember. I am infatuated with problem solving.
I find maintaining social interactions and simple friendships not easy and rather exhausting.
Approaching strangers is extremely difficult for me.
I have noticed over the years that I am not only very systematic at work, but also with people.
At the same time I have impulsive emotional outbursts for the most trivial reasons. For example, it can be that I have to go to someone to deliver something. Or partly shopping and asking for something. Or a screaming child. I can handle most things by now. I still don't like to go shopping, but I do it because I have learned to position myself differently with my thoughts.
I have learned to act, I can talk and behave in the best social manner. I have only been able to read people well since I was about 16. I have a library of behavior patterns in my head and try to deduce something from them.
Now as a father, the world looks very different. Every day I am confronted with a screaming child, it whines or it laughs. What I have to say is that I am not cold and I love my child. But I can not cope with many things.
I realize how much my analytical approach brings nothing. I try to comfort and play. But what I noticed made me think.
It always feels like a new problem, I can't get used to it. Everyone who has a child knows that it is a similar game every day. But I find it hard to understand the behavior. Sure I understand why kids scream, I know they have no other way to express themselves. I understand that a child has needs and I give her as much love as I can.
But in the back of my mind I always have the problem that needs to be solved. Which prevents me from accepting it and developing a routine.
So what is wrong? Or are all people like that?
Why on hackernews? I had already tried about others. Social networks to achieve something, but unfortunately I did not find an adequate answer.
Since I am here often, I know about the great community and just hope for understanding and not so much for a concrete answer. Maybe someone is going through the same thing.
About myself: I have been in therapy for other reasons. I suffer from panic attacks and anxiety. Which also narrow down to social interactions.
I am a happy person. I do not have depression. Our child is doing great and we are also very happy with each other.
Why anonymous? For internet reasons.
It sounds you have worked out quite few things about your interaction with the world - play to your strengths and accept the things you don't do well, avoid them or outsource them or whatever you have to do.
Don't let yourself be judged by others that probably have no idea how you feel and think. Be your own judge, be harsh but fair and use the insights to improve.
But if something just isn't in you, don't flog a dead horse or beat yourself up, just find a way to work around it.
Finally, often, not always but often, if you just say "this isn't one of my strengths, maybe someone else is better suited", or "I am feeling pretty overwhelmed right now, I don't know I can do my best without regrouping for a while" people will be far more understanding than if you just exhibit some strange beahviour they don't understand, or say you will do something then totally not deliver.
Yes for some reason it matters to give the thing a name. :)
I have no negative thoughts like that. I just don’t understand.
It is important to know if there is a developmental disorder. It is also important because my child could have it and be just like me. I would like to have the best support for her so that she does not have to go through many things or learn to deal with them faster.
But you are right. In the end it shouldn’t define me.
Work around is something I do my whole life.
Maybe my post is to negative. That was not my intention. Nobody is judging me. I guess most of the people think I’m normal.
Thanks for the uplifting words. :)
I find this framing useful: https://neuroqueer.com/neuroqueer-an-introduction/
When I look back on why I was mentally not there when my kids were little it was because I was completely over-whelmed. I did a good job, but I was at my limits and no room for wife or children mentally. I felt dissociated from the people around me. I was always thinking about a computer programming problem. I wasn't aware that it was so bad until my wife asked me to leave after repeatedly telling me I needed to change. I didn't know what she was talking about. I wasn't "present" for her or the kids. I couldn't do it all.
The problems are gone because I don't program anymore, I did therapy and take depression medication. I've learned how to be in the present moment without dread or fear. I say this because you didn't mention external stressors so maybe you aren't conscious of them like I wasn't.
I am self-employed and have my own cloud app.
I currently work only 3 days a week and am there for my daughter two days.
—— That sounds sad and I hope you are feeling better today. I have had different experiences so far. My wife knows my condition and we are happy so far. I had directly taken time for my child. That was important to me.
I also program. But I am more often theoretically on the road. This fits quite well to pass the time when the child is sleeping. Reading is easier than programming :)
10 years ago I would have agreed with you. I was employed and not happy with the situation. Being self-employed has helped me.
I am also self-taught as I don't do well in schools and universities.
I will remember to spend enough time with my family. Thank you.
1. I got tested as an adult for ADHD
2. I experimented with diet, and found that a low carb diet reduced my symptoms quite noticeably. I continue to be shocked by what an affect my diet has on my experience and behavior.
3. I experimented with sleep, and having consistent sleep and wake hours also helped.
4. I started to meditate, do yoga, lift weights, get traditional Thai massage, do cold plunges. This helped me connect more with my body and get out of my head. I found that I needed to practice connecting with my body and my emotions because my analytical/cognitive voice was so dominant I wasn’t so aware of another way of experiencing reality.
5. I’m currently reading about Internal Family Systems therapy which I’m pretty sure will help a great deal but I haven’t yet found a therapist and started applying it.
6. I realized most of my friends and the people I connect with best are neuro-atypical in some way, and I love them for being quirky and unusual. It made me feel less embarrassed or ashamed to have weird aspects to my character, and embrace my strengths and accept my weaknesses (and add some systematic mitigations).
2: yeah diet is important. A long time a drunk coffee. I try to avoid coffee know.
Also bread have a negative effect. So far I can tell.
3: that’s not so easy with a child :P
4: I’m walking. That’s my meditation.
5: thats interesting I give it a try.
Thanks for helping.
Same. Switching to Keto definitly impacted my ability to focus and think clearly. Not sustainable for the long term, but cut out as much of the refined carbs and sugars as possible. Dialed back the coffee, too -- big difference.
Since you are interacting, loving, comforting, and playing, I'm guessing that even if you haven't figured out solutions to everything yet, you know far more about your daughter than you when you started. And you'll continue to learn more over the next few months.
Fuck that, parenting is hard. Yeah, there's times that being a dad is great, but most of the time its just someone screaming, pooping, fighting etc. Some stuff gets easier only to be replaced by some other hard stuff.
Give it like 8 years, you'll be alright (unless you make one more)... ;)
8 years? Easy…
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The reason for the evaluation being especially worthwhile is that ADHD, unlike autism, is extremely treatable with medication.
We are all on the autistic spectrum but those that are near the ends of that spectrum have a much more difficult life.
I too experienced your exact life symptoms during my 30's. I am now 65 years old and pretty much OK wth the world.
I, however, put all of those symptoms down to just being an introvert, nothing more and nothing less. The introverts spectrum!
I could of course hit you with some personality disorder BS but that would be cruel. You could read this for a better understanding: Vann Joines, Ian Stewart - Personality Adaptations_A New Guide to Human Understanding in Psychotherapy and Counselling.
I do find it very worrying that so many people are looking for a diagnosis for being just an ordinary human being.
You say your therapists have told you that you are not autistic! why do you disagree with them. Surely they are the experts here, the same as me.
We are not perfect, yet it is expected of us.
I hope you're not being serious here because this is patently false and diminishes the experience of those who are actually on the spectrum.
If you do not match the criteria in the DSM, then no, you are not on the spectrum.
Is my understanding incorrect here (genuine good faith question)?