My first is due 3 days ago. I'm told that I'm going to have no time any more and good sleep is a thing of the past.
I'm worried, I don't work well when tired. I'm just starting to get in the habit of investing in myself as a developer and am reading a lot, practicing a lot. This has made me, in my estimation, a much better programmer. Does this end when you have kids?
What was it like for you out there that have gone through this change in life?
There's a PaulG tweet about this that I'll have to dig up sometime about how parenthood changes you and yes it will change you.
The first six-months to a year you won't have decent sleep. You'll learn how to function.
Really I think the difference is that you don't have much time anymore for distraction, you don't tolerate it. You can't tolerate it. Sure, you'll still be able to browse HackerNews and play games (sometimes). But those long periods of drifting off, spacing out, taking hours to finish something...you'll learn to stop that.
You'll become more efficient. You'll have to: the baby is hungry or needs to be picked up from daycare. Dishes need washing, diapers need changing. Some young dev is dawdling on about something in their day? No. Where's the MR, here's what you need to fix. Get it done. Push it out. We don't have time for this sh*t.
It gets real. In a good sense. In the best sense.
I think you'll wish you did this years ago.
You feed a baby they're happy, you change a baby, they're happy, you get them to sleep and they'll be happier. It's a very different experience IMO to anything else: it takes as long as it takes, and it's all necessary, but the feedback loop is close to instant.
Source: am the father of an almost 7 month old so far (and was extremely skeptical I'd enjoy it as much as I actually am).
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We just had our first this past weekend and so far your post reads entirely true, especially this.
- hot shower (not bath) before bed
- immersion school in another language
- sleep training
HTH, congratulations, and good luck!
Second, two tips more tips from a dad of 5 children:
1. From somewhere after around 1 year: Put effort into teaching sleep skills: I did it by leaving the room after singing and prayer and coming back every 1 + 2n minutes where n is days. (Of course, use your parental judgment.) This was surprisingly effective in teaching them that Dad leaving the room doesn't mean Dad had disappeared, only that Dad is elsewhere and will be back soon. Important: do come back. Use a timer and follow it exactly. Come back even if the kid doesn't cry. It is important that they realize they don't have to cry for us not to disappear.
2. Also, when teaching them to sleep, don't let the fall asleep with anything (persons, toys, food, music, tv, absolute silence) that won't keep all night. We all wake halfway up many times during the night to check if everything is OK. For a small child a missing milk bottle is enough to signal "not ok".
1. If you have hobbies, put them on hold indefinitely. Your about to get new ones. This is ok, though. I've found I have time for one only. The rest of my time has been re-discovering the world with my young daughters. Cherish it, and have fun with it. Enjoy refamiliarizing yourself with simple things, like watching a sugar ant walk across the floor.
2. Ive learned to make it a point to immediately put my phone or laptop away as soon as my kids are in the room. I don't have peer reviewed to evidence to back up my claim thatit has done wonders for the self esteem and confidence (compared to waht I often see) but it seems like it has. Always be attentive to them, first and foremost. HN can wait... it is probably just another post about a note-taking app anyways.
3. You can absolutely still learn and progress amd a fast pace in your career. You'll have to learn to study hard in short blocks of time, but if you make it a priority it will happen.
4. Kids have a weird way of getting between you and your partner. Don't forget to make intimate moments with them.
5. Some days and weeks are just going to suck. Just remember, it will be alright
6. If you have close friends or relationships you care about, I'd put some monthly reminders in your calendar for the next couple years to just gently remind yourself to call/text/email/whatever. It is hard to keep friends when you have young kids.
Disclaimer: I have a almost 4 and an almost 2 year olds -- these are just the things I've learned. More wiser (more kids, older kids) fathers probably have better wisdom to impart.
Edit: format
I especially love the "re-discovering the world" part. Watching my kid learn concepts, coming from a totally different starting point and putting her own spin on it has been wonderful.
That said, it is HARD to be a good parent. It's super rewarding but it's not easy.
Ten years in and I’m seeing some of the hobbies come back, some of the personal goals. But I have a different perspective on them now. They are complements to who I am, not what define me, and I’m always ready to put them back on the shelf.
Maybe you won’t reach the programming heights you dreamed for yourself, but fatherhood and family are infinitely more rewarding.
As I pause to write this, my three oldest are reading books on the floor and teasing each other good-naturedly. My wife is playing peekaboo with our one year-old, who’s giggling non-stop and staring at her mother with adoring eyes. We haven’t bothered to clean up dinner yet. I have a baseball game on in the background, and I was supposedly reading when I slipped over to HN and saw this post. Going back to the family now - my book and HN can wait a little longer - cheers and God bless you and your family as you embark on this journey. All will be well.
I have no children and have developed a similar perspective as I've gotten older. When I was younger, I wanted my extra-curricular endeavors to lead into a full-time career, money and notoriety. While I did make money and achieve some notoriety, those activities now inhabit--what I consider to be--a healthier space in my mind. I am content enjoying them while I do them and also content with putting them aside for stretches of time. For good or for bad, I no longer feel like I need to prove something to the world.
Appreciate this little person. You are their whole world for the next several years, and it was your choice to bring them into the world, not theirs. Absolutely try to carve time and space for yourself so that you don't feel like you've lost a part of yourself that's important to you. But remember that the demands, and racket, and interruptions can be precious if you make space in your head to appreciate them.
On a more practical note, the first six months you'll be close to useless as a programmer, but those are also some of the most magical moments of your life. Enjoy them. People at work know what it's like to have a newborn.
Every parent needs to hear this. I can't believe the number of people who think it's okay to get angry with their children for getting in the way of their lives.
I'm not saying his to rain on your parade. I'm saying this because not all people are created equal. You don't have to like parenthood. I love my kid but that doesn't mean that I love what I've become. If you find yourself there (or if anyone else is reading this and thinking they can't believe I'm saying it out loud), it's okay. You can still be a good parent, even if you don't love it and you're not a bad person, as long as you try.
While I know the fun things will come back as the kids get older and become more independent (or want to take part in my interests with me), I can tell that it's going to take a long time before things return to a degree of normalcy. An example of this is that I used to game with my wife most nights - now I couldn't name the last time this happened. We're both too exhausted by the time we finally get free time around 10-11pm. I also used to do dirt bike riding with my wife - it'll be several years before we can all go and do that. I miss being able to come home from work and relax too. Now it's just different work once I'm home.
It's relentless and exhausting, and while I love my kids I wouldn't choose to do it if I had my time over again.
Quick edit - I should add that I give 100% to parenting my kids. I chose to go down this path with my wife and I make sure that my kids don't suffer for my displeasure. They're awesome people and have a great life. I just sorely miss my free time and my ability to be productive at work.
Though a lot of this is because I have a lot of friends with children around the same age and complaining brings me a lot of joy. So I'd strongly recommend finding some fellow parents to chat with as you go (and unfortunately you'll find people without children to be living in a different universe).
Among my friends those who wanted to be parents are amazingly fulfilled, albeit sometimes tired and stressed. They are also focused and ruthlessly prioritizing, and still get a lot of the most significant things they want to done. Those who fell pregnant through questionable life decisions are mostly less fulfilled with a couple of happy accidents thrown in the mix. Most of them do not have children however. Civilization thanks you for your service (assuming you do it properly).
We did not have a kid through any mistake. There was an understanding. Sometimes you do things you don't like to get what you want.
Civilization would be better off with fewer people, not more. That's a weird thing to say.
I thought my point was clear but I guess not.
Enjoying being a parent is not a requirement. Good on you, if you do. If all you do is try hard and don't F them up, that's good too. It's not said enough but not everyone likes kids or parenthood and you don't have to feel alone or bad. It's ok.
Parenthood didn't solve anything for me except that I got the partner I wanted.
FWIW, my office is and always has been isolated from the main part of the house, if not entirely detached.
Don't worry. You'll learn that your current definition of the word "tired" is wrong. Your current "tired" will become your new "okay", and I'm no I'm not joking.
However! You'll also learn that this attitude of "I need sleep to perform" is in your head, and be amazed at what you'll be able to do when you have to. You'll find that not having a choice in what you _have_ to do, works wonders for your definitions of "can" and "can not", because the next day you'll still be at work, and you'll still get things done. I also don't do well with little sleep, but here I am (still getting promoted).
To answer the title question more generally; it's night and day. I now understand how self-centred and egotistical I used to be. Of course the degree won't be the same for everyone, but I think there's still a certain level of egocentricity that anyone without a child can't escape.
Best advice I can give you is not to stress about a single thing. Statistically, it's much, much, more likely that it'll all work out. Worrying about the very small possibilities is too much when you're already over-tired, and it wouldn't do any good in any case.
Second off, parenting is hard. Very hard. Might be the hardest thing I've done personally. My first kid came into my life in the middle of me changing jobs, moving and then, within the first 6 months, purchasing a home. I turned the "adult" knob of my life up to 11. Don't be like me. Press pause on other big swings in your life. Yes, programming will take a back seat. The world will continue to turn.
You will absolutely curse your former self with how loose you were with your free time. You'll probably have a bit of resentment towards your spouse and the kid itself for changing that. That's okay but don't let it manifest. Every day from their birth will get better or you will adjust. Your free time won't be taken for granted anymore.
Thirdly, every kid is different. Find their formula and help them thrive. Some kids, like mine, come out hard charging & stubborn but never pausing. Others will have a different wavelength. Don't try to overcomplicate their time either. Sometimes just hanging with mom and dad, or dad and dad, or mom and mom is enough for them. Other times, a spatula can be an absolute wonder.
Lastly, you cannot do it alone. Lean on your parents, your spouse's parents, your daycare (if you can afford it), the local playground. Use all the tools at your disposal to get by and out. That means in the moment too. Take a mental breath, step outside and catch some fresh air. That doesn't mean leave your kid alone for 20 minutes. That just means making sure you take care of yourself so you can take care of them.
Good luck, have fun and don't be too hard on yourself.