Read something that actually interests you and you like. Choose to start with something short so you get over your anxiety, because I suspect there is an anxiety component.
Healthcare in the US is much less free market than in European countries like Italy, and these are the results.
But it's amazing that people on HN din't see it, what happened to this place?
Thing with mourning is that now things seem to be over but they will start again eventually. It's all about time. Also I'm sorry you feel alone, I hope you'll find a way to manage that.
Good luck
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Very bad thing to do to clients