I feel like I’m very self aware, both internally and externally. I know that what I will say (because of the way I will say it) will be delivered badly and probably make the person sad/angry, but I cannot find a way of fixing the words I use! I feel like I have a big problem with my emotional intelligence.
To fix this, I am looking for a book that is what “The mom test” is to customer discovery, but to Emotional Intelligence. What I mean by this is a book that actually contains suggestions of what to say, word by word, and how to be able to think and articulate what the other person might come to think. Any suggestions?
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I’m not sure you’ll be able to find a book that will tell you what to say word for word but you might be able to learn a lot from studying your own interactions. I’d encourage you to ask open ended questions when someone doesn’t react the way you expect them to.
I try to keep in mind that everyone is a rational actor based on their values and world view. If someone seems irrational it means that I’ve misunderstood their values or some aspect of their understanding of the world. Trying to figure out where the disconnect is can often be a better use of time than just repeating myself or rephrasing my thoughts.
DEAR MAN is a good one.
Describe the current situation (if necessary). Stick to the facts. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.
Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel.
Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying “No” clearly. Do not assume that others will figure out what you want. Remember that others cannot read your mind.
Reinforce (reward) the person ahead of time (so to speak) by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need.
Mindful keep your focus on your goals. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted. Don’t get off the topic. Speak like a “Broken record.” Keep asking for what you want. Or say “No” and express your opinion over and over and over. Just keep replaying the same thing again and again. Ignore attacks. If the other person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Do not respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point.
Appear confident, effective, and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating.
Negotiate be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Say no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influen...
A good therapist isn’t just there to help you work through past trauma or personal issues, they can also help with all your interpersonal interactions and relationships.
They often tried to hyperfocus on whatever they saw as issues in my life, or else parrot and rephrase back to me what I told them, with very little in the way of concrete actionables.
The books were dramatically more helpful and totally changed my life.
They asked me intelligent questions designed to help me come to my own conclusions through reasoning, and they provided me with actionable activities for growth.
If you need help finding a therapist, PsychologyToday has a great search on their website.
It’s not quite a word-by-word guide, but the examples are captivating and there’s practical advice on how to listen and ask better questions to create a connection.
One of the things he highlights is that a communication situation usually requires both small-scale experimentation and exposing some your own vulnerabilities to discover what might be relevant to the other person in that conversation. That means there’s inherently an element of risk-taking: you can’t stick to a single safe formula each time and expect to connect.
Before you say anything, ask yourself:
1) Does this need to be said?
2) Does this need to be said by me?
3) Does this need to be said by me, now?
https://www.amazon.com/Impro-Improvisation-Theatre-Keith-Joh...
It sounds like you attempt this, you know it won’t go over well, but you say it anyway. Why are you saying things you know to be hurtful, when activity trying to not do that? Is it an impulse control issue, or is the feedback required, you just don’t know how to soften the blow?