We want HN to be a place for talking about expanding people's possibilities, not limiting them.
We want HN to be a place for talking about expanding people's possibilities, not limiting them.
When I was in a similar rut/loop the best thing that happened to me was when I finally stopped trying to keep up appearances, got honest and asked for help.
It was embarrassing to finally humble myself to ask for help, luckily embarrassment isn’t life threatening, just really uncomfortable for a minute.
The people in my life wanted to help me more than they wanted repayment. They helped in finding a gp the gp helped find a psychologist and then they all helped find a psychiatrist.
Although, my bio parents and grandparents were white-collar or white collar adjacent at least. And one of my bio grandpa was very conscientious and active well into old age
... You seem to have intrinsic motivation to write longish texts though, unironically.
Seriously, just buy a bag of seed, go find some pigeons, and feed them.
Now, watch them, carefully… see how hard they work, every day, even when they’re hobbling around on grotesque stumps where their feet used to be before they got wrapped up in our discarded waste.
Notice how something can put so much effort into just surviving, against all the odds, and against the abuse and mistreatment and just casual negligent brutality inflicted upon them by your species. See how they aren’t focused on money or jobs or learning or prestige, just on being now and being for a bit longer.
See how they’ll eventually trust you enough to approach or land on your hand to feed. How, if you do this day after day, they’ll recognize you and wait for you.
The only living thing that won’t, eventually, react to a modicum of gentleness and kindness with trust is a human.
You’re not on this planet to earn money. You’re not here to work. You’re certainly not here to build edifices of ephemeral noise. You’re here to be, while you can.
Pay your parents back on their real investment, by dedicating your time to them. Be there to care for them as they age. Give them a bit of gentleness and kindness… they need that much more than they need the fiction that is money.
When they’re done, then check out if you want to. I’ve been suicidal for as long as I can remember, I’m faking it until there’s no one else to care for. That’s enough.
No one is beyond redemption, if only because there’s no such thing as redemption in the first place.
The tests for ADHD and some variations of depression are leaky, erroneous shit. Just get the drugs (Adderall xr, Wellbutrin) and see if these help.
You say you tried some NDRI spectrum drugs, this probably means you have some rare type of depression or schizo spectrum disorder, or something else entirely.
If your parents truly care about you they will find you a decent doctor that will diagnose it.
>it did not stop them from learning or becoming great engineers.
You seem not to be wired to get intrinsic motivation from coding, idk.
I am trying small daily improvements now, for the millionth time. But the fear and the guilt is overwhelming, and I am never gonna catch up to other normal people, much less high earners. And then there is AI.
In 2012 I created a killer prototype that demonstrated that you could accurately reconstruct most people's flight history at scale from social media and/or ad data. Probably the first of its kind. This has been possible for a long time.
A quick sketch of how it worked:
We filtered out all spatiotemporal edges in the entity graph with an implied speed of <300 kilometers per hour or <200 kilometers distance, IIRC. This was the proxy for "was on a plane". It also implicitly provided the origin and destination.
These edges can be correlated with both public flight data and maintenance IoT data from jet engines to put entities on a specific flight. People overlook the extent to which innocuous industrial IoT data can be used as a proxy for relationships in unrelated domains.
In rare cases, there was more than one plausible commercial flight. Because we had their flight history, we assumed in these cases that it was the primary airline they had used in the past, either generally or for that specific origin and destination. This almost always resolved perfectly.
This was impressively effective and it didn't require first-party data from airlines or particularly sophisticated analytics. Space and time are the primary keys of reality.