Thanks to all for sharing their experiences. To me, this thread has been like sharing battle scars. I am not trying to make light of people who have actual battle scars, my respect to them too.
Readit NewsaskHN2024 commented on Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out? · Posted by u/askHN2024
askHN2024 commented on Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out? · Posted by u/askHN2024
Speaking for myself, I can sound “artificial” when I am either overwhelmed or masking.
askHN2024 commented on Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out? · Posted by u/askHN2024
7
I’d say the biggest struggle hasn’t been financial independence, overcoming a rough childhood, or getting out of rural hell - it’s been dating. That was set in stone by my genetics being such trash. I’m 34 and only ever had one partner who would only stay with me on the condition that I paid for everything and would receive no emotional support.
By most measures, I am far more successful than most people you’d meet but I consider myself one of the least successful people because all I’ve ever wanted is for someone to love me and to build a loving family. Life is cruel.
I am sorry you’re going through that. I am not in a rural place, but I feel isolated all the same because I mask everything. I feel that if I trust someone enough, I’ll open up to them. I am working up to it.
Be wary of advice which says you need to be good looking to expect reasonable behavior from a partner. I’ve been told I am attractive, but it can sometimes bring the wrong kind of attention that doesn’t really provide emotional support and personal wellbeing.
Looking good can be its own reward, but it’s not a requirement for finding a close relationship, I think.
Take care.
askHN2024 commented on Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out? · Posted by u/askHN2024
I got 5, was annoyed it only asked about mothers being hit, when it was my mother doing the hitting, learned how to take a punch from her... ...but anyway, turned out alright I think.
I mean, one rather disastrous marriage, but I've got full custody of my amazing kids.
And yeah, I'm the same, don't feel accomplished but reality is I'm doing financially better than most people in my country.
I am currently working on undoing a lifetime of negativity towards myself, left home at 15, never graduated from high school, never got a degree, but have managed to take some computer science papers via correspondence. (Diagnosed with ADHD at 40, but obviously had it as a kid, my mother preferred a pseudo-science approach, which didn't work)
You’ve accomplished something to be proud of. I am in the same place, working on dealing with a lot of negativity towards myself. I hope you find your way out of it too. Best of luck!
askHN2024 commented on Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out? · Posted by u/askHN2024
I would be wary of drawing conclusions from this cohort you are questioning on hacker news.
It almost certainly holds only a small portion of the individuals from rough childhood backgrounds.
And don't forget that a number suffering the most will have taken the 'ultimate opt-out' from this forum.
I get what you’re saying, but knowing other people had similar experiences and found some measure of life satisfaction is helpful to me, and I hope it’s also helpful to someone else.
askHN2024 commented on Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out? · Posted by u/askHN2024
ACE score of 6.
I'm in my mid twenties. Got a decent SWE job, net worth around 0$ but I just got rid of most of my debts which is nice.
Extremely anxious all the time and depressed, still traumatized by a lot of stuff, zero social life at the moment, never managed to maintain any long term relationships(both in terms of friends and partners), not great physical health but it's getting better.
I'm not completely unsatisfied with my life, given the circumstances it was much more likely to be a lot worse. But it definitely could be a lot better.
I think you’re doing so, so well. I have reservations about making close relationships too because of my past, so it’s a common pattern amongst people with traumatic experiences. I plan to try out a hobby group but time hasn’t been so flexible.
I’ve seen other people fall into the trap of thinking that their body is a meatbag for their brain. I’ve personally found that exercise helps me so much with both reducing depressive symptoms and maintaining focus.
Hope you find whatever it is which you think will make your life better, take care!
askHN2024 commented on Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out? · Posted by u/askHN2024
Beaten, neglected, molested, unsafe, etc. Many family & friends died from drugs, disease, poor life choices. Read books on success & business. Moved out at 16. Taught myself programming and business. Married a hot smart fellow nerd. Got good jobs, bought a business and monetized it. Had fantastic kids. Grateful every day to not be where I woke up. Retired to a farm recently.
Sorry you had a rough start, but so glad you made it out. This is so awesome, glad to read it. Good luck to you all!
askHN2024 commented on Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out? · Posted by u/askHN2024
I took the quiz, but am going to decline to give a score or other info. Maybe consider me to be qualified to comment, however.
I understand "unsafe', albeit this is a little vague. But I get it. Given that, I surmise that your core resultant issue is unyielding anxiety. That's rough, and arguably the roughest.
What you are likely missing is truly competent support. Which would be either a smart family member, a rare engaged friend, or a rare professional. That's what most Autistic 1 people will be missing: a talented mediator between them and the world. Double plus so if the patient has trauma (ie: ACE 6).
If you are lacking true support, you are lucky that you aren't underemployed or even homeless. In that, you are quite accomplished. Keep in mind that many or even most other people in your divergent position aren't so. Good on you.
In my opinion, everyone with Autism 1 should be considered to be at risk for homelessness and provided with engaged support by one institution or another (under insurance). And that there should be specialists trained to socially assist those with Autism 1. Not with social training, but with workplace and associated mediation. And then with expert career guidance as a distant second. Logically in my opinion, a next step for screening the homeless and drug addicts, after they get clean, should be for autism.
Relentlessly seek that support, even if you have to pay for it, in order to help to continue to assure your good status. It may take awhile to find, but the search doesn't start until it does.
I'm a little bit curious about comorbid autism and ADHD. I'd make a mid-confidence wager that you are referring to ADHD-PI. On a personal note, I think that ADHD-PI is usually if not always a symptom of Autism 1. In other words, it is a spectrum symptom. But if the meds help, then they do.
The co-occurrence of these conditions is an extensive area of research, there is some evidence which suggests what you’re saying, and other evidence which says the two conditions are distinct. I also read somewhere that both conditions are in fact part of a larger, underlying one. Here’s an interesting paper on the genetic profiles https://www.nature.com/articles/s41588-022-01171-3
Thanks for sharing your insights, I think you’re absolutely right about the role and need for a mentor.
askHN2024 commented on Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out? · Posted by u/askHN2024
A lot of comments and yours are heavily focusing on materialistic and financial status. While money or access to it is important to feel safe, it is not all there is to measure and compare.
What about friends and family? Partners? Children? Activities? Hobbies?
I scored a 2 it I noticed a lot of the questions focused on physical and alcoholic/drug abuse. I grew up in a culture/religion where none of these things existed but my I would classify my family and up bringing as dysfunctional and emotionally neglected.
Financially, I don't own a house nor can I afford one where I live. My job is secure and pays plenty to live comfortably renting. I don't think I will be able to retire in my country due to the cost of living.
I have no hobbies and very little friends. None Id call good friends. I have a partner and a dog.
Overall I'm happy with my life.
I am glad you scored a 2! I understand that such scores do not adequately capture the severity of someone’s circumstances, even if they say yes to one question.
I like to think I am working myself up to a partner and a dog, but opening to people is hard. It’s a work in progress.
askHN2024 commented on Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out? · Posted by u/askHN2024
I scored 6, I turned my life "around" in some sense and pursued software engineering at 22 years old, after just neglecting my own wellbeing for at the time feeling like ages. Now at 28 I'm a senior engineer in a international corporation, it's not a tech company, but still something that i can feel good about. relationships and hobbies are good, but the pressure from performing on all fronts is some times so much that i fall into dysfunction and despair. but i feel like im building better coping mechanisms all the time when paying attention
You sound awesome, good for you! Coping mechanisms can get tricky if they’re around food, drinks or drugs. I try to be mindful about these as well.