After 36 years of spinning my wheels unfocused, scatterbrained, and anxious, I was finally and recently diagnosed with ADHD. Medication has begun and I've noticed some improvements, but there's still a long way to go.
My struggle with ADHD and its severe deficiencies in executive function and memory have made it near impossible to: 1) accrue knowledge & experience in real-time across my career, 2) recollect the information that may have actually made it through to my brain, 3) play long-term strategic games, resulting in a lot of burned bridges and unfinished projects.
In an effort to jumpstart my career, I've spent the past year applying to jobs in my field and while there's been a good bit of traction as far as being invited to interview, my interview performance is so laughably abysmal. I cannot access any information when needed. The information I do have access to is fragmented and scattered. Rejection sensitivity creates a suffocating urgency to impress and be perfect. I can't be "myself."
The sum total of these challenges is that I am in no way capable of inspiring even an ounce of confidence. I look good on paper and crumple in person. I know I have potential, but I need more time than a 30-minute call allots to show it. At this age, no one is hiring for potential and no one is willing to give me a chance. I don't blame them.
I feel like I'm operating with half a brain, and that half is atrophied over the years of blank-mindedness. I struggle to think in detail. I struggle to think in a clear and structured way. I just struggle to think. I feel cognitively impaired.
How do I even begin rebuilding at this age? I want to be skillful. I want to be a leader. I want to contribute meaningfully.
Firstly, work with your health care providers. ADHD medication works well, even though it doesn't really feel like it works. (Even now I feel like my medication doesn't really do anything but if you compare my life before and after it's night and day).
Reading your post, it looks like you're having a rough time. Job hunting isn't easy, especially when you have ADHD. Rejection hurts for even the most well adjusted people. When you're feeling low it's very easy for your thoughts to spiral out of control. Try to notice when and how this is happening. For example:
Me: "I'm 36, I'm too old to ever get hired!" Also me: "Is it true that no one over the age of 36 gets hired for jobs? Do I know anyone in my life who got a job over this age? Oh, my uncle was laid off 5 years ago and he got one."
There are many different cognitive distortions like this. You can google to find examples of them or work with a therapist to help notice them. Try reading "Feeling Good" by David Burns, he has lots of good examples to draw from.
It might seem a bit counterintuitive, but being kind and forgiving of your shortcomings can often make you more effective and productive. Imagine procrastinating for 4 hours in the morning and getting nothing done. It's easy to think "Damn, I'm worthless. I just can't focus. I can't stay on task. I'll never get a job at this rate." Now you feel awful. When you get back from lunch, you're much more likely to procrastinate to distract yourself from these negative thoughts and feelings.
Instead, try accepting and forgiving yourself: "I didn't do anything this morning. It happens sometimes. I'll try to just doing a little this afternoon and see how it goes.". It's true, you might still procrastinate, but you have a better chance of getting to it now that the negative emotions are smaller and more manageable.
I also recommend Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Russell A. Barkley as a good handbook, especially if you've been diagnosed recently.
While I did great in the Nineties, I didn't leverage my work into a network of contacts. Giant mistake as the Dot Com crash destroyed me professionally. I went from making $65/hr to being homeless living in the woods.
I reinvented myself by going back to college working towards a Ph.D. in mathematics. I ended up concluding that I didn't have the communication skills needed to teach mathematics or the publications needed to be a researcher.
Ultimately I had to give up being a computer professional. I could no longer get intellectually and financially appropriate work. I have continued to work on a number of projects over the last twenty years, so I have preserved much of my programming skills. I have had a popular website for twenty years on http://tetration.org covering what exists beyond exponentiation.
I learned that something one must be ready to completely reinvent themselves to have a chance at happiness.
At times (I feel like) I am a great communicator, the other times I can see people thinking I'm damn slow, and most of the time it's bimodal like that.
I am almost 36 as well, never finished a damn thing in my adult life.
Also, as what did you reinvent yourself in the end?
I have one of the main websites on tetration at http://tetration.org. Recently I worked on machine language comprehension of mathematics, https://fangornforest.org. I completed a four decade project working with Stephen Wolfram for Mathematica to support fractional iteration https://resources.wolframcloud.com/FunctionRepository/resour....
I now operate as a social activist helping people and non-profit organizations out.
ADHD is part of the 'neuro-divergent' group I believe.
I've had a similar experience. I'm almost 30. I did a tough degree, but dropped in/out and had to drag my arse across the finish line. Same as school. Top student some days, worse than the worst other days. My grades are a literal sine wave if you track them yea-on-year, month-on-month. Same with work. Also, jobs have been very tough. I've had similar experiences with interviews. But I just got a job offer, after many trials. Before that offer (literally happened today), I was made redundant from a toxic role.
Like you, I'm very capable, and smart (enough) - the ADHD just makes me very inconsistent and emotional. I can barely recall any information from my degree, my knowledge has literal gaping holes. But I did not know I was trialling through ADHD at the time, I just thought I was an idiot and that I couldn't handle things like most people.
But, it will get better. I'm medicated now, have been for a short while and it has helped me focus, but on top of that, the ADHD (has always) given me an insane drive compared to most people I meet.
So now I'm hopeful, and I see a new job as a new start, first time medicated and understanding this ADHD thing.
I have faith it will work out for you. If you need to, consider doing a 'lesser' job/role in the meantime until you feel stable and your medication is working. It will get better, you are still young. You can be the best you on medication (and you can pick up other healthy habits too).
Also re your goals. Know thyself - both strengths, and weaknesses. Lean into the strengths, whatever they may be. Be aware of the weaknesses.
I am 35 and have been diagnosed with ADHD ~year ago. Meds did help, like by 50% with my ability to start and complete things. On the other hand, country I live in is somewhat stingy on psychopharmatics, so I am glad I have at least the meds I have.
Meds don't help with memory, unfortunately, you will need to keep your system you have cobbled together over years.
The meds actually do help with the rejection sensitivity more than I anticipated. But this seems like the thing you will actually need to work on to compensate for. It can be hard, things that will work for you will be counter-intuitive, but becoming some sort of "trustworthy professional that is nice to work with" is doable and worth price in gold.
One of the epiphanies that led me there was ... people don't actually need perfection, they mostly need to be able to rely on what you told them. Work with them, pairing helps me there.
I work in QE for a big corp - specifically RedHat. I now know I shouldn't look for jobs that sound interesting but would require me to self-manage. I need other people to keep me on track and reasonably well defined goals.
But I also need novelty and exploration.
So QE works. I would assume SRE would work as well, and possibly a technical enough support role.
Working in a big-enough corp to allow for latteral moves is helping plenty too.
Currently something I'm going to try is to use my musical imagination. I've always had it since I was a kid, and I'm having a small breakthrough with it in terms of boosting certain moods. I should've done this way earlier but I just never thought of it.
So if you have a musical gift like I do, I'd propose to do that. The broader generalized version of this is to use your imagination to induce specific emotional moods into you and help that to make that your motivation.
The way I did it was similar to what you've already done except I started doing yoga and jogging as well. It helped me stay calm and think clearly when combined with meds. If you haven't tried doing yoga, don't sleep on it.
If you work in IT, look into MSP work. MSPs can be tough but they often have lower barriers to entry due to high turnover. If not, there is probably something similar in your field.
Making mistakes is not failure, failure is giving up on your dreams and aspirations.
There is a lot of wisdom and knowledge out there that can help you making slightly better decisions. For me it was learning more about ADHD-associated rejection sensitivity, attachment theory or C.G. Jung's concept of the man-child.