I talk to some people in classes and we're pleasant to each other but haven't gotten beyond acquaintance with any of them. I know some people from a club I'm in but don't see them outside of that. It doesn't help that I'm a computer science major and I don't have a lot of interests that CS majors have (anime, video games, social media, etc.) Advice on how to connect better with people?
I'm busy a lot of the time so don't think about this. But I've heard everybody talking about Halloween costumes in the past few days and realized I don't need one cause I'll be sitting inside alone on Halloween. I'd like to start fixing this but don't know how.
Edit: some people have asked, I'm a sophomore. Seems like a lot of people already formed their social groups last year.
2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection.
3. Learn to be a "connector". Learn to talk to people. Listen to what they want and like. Connect them with others who like the same thing. Learn to cook and invite groups of people over for dinner and drinks/tea. Organize walks or hikes. Play poker, play board games, chess.
4. Keep track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down what they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what matters to them. Maintain their contact. Reach out during holidays and birthdays in a heartfelt way.
5. (Edit) Oh yeah, practice EXCELLENT hygiene at all times. Shower in the morning after exercise and take care of your teeth, breath and body odor.
Make sure to put that list on a wall somewhere in your room so visitors can see how much you care. It will be a nice conversation starter and not at all alarming.
t. That guy
Edit: didn't get the joke did i
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5) (not saying that you specifically are guilty of this, just adding it for completeness) and wear clean clothes. This was a hygiene fail that I, a female CS major, was subjected to by classmates more often than not showering regularly. Depending on what you’re doing and what your climate is like, most college-age guys should probably wash a t-shirt after a day of wear, button-downs after two (if you had a t-shirt under it), and jeans after three or four, but for the love of all that is holy, do not wear socks or undies more than one day.
(Edited to add) Laundry hack I learned from non-stinky husband: instead of putting them in the dryer, hang up button-down shirts while still wet to avoid pretty much all ironing.
I am going into detail on this because of a direct report I had to awkwardly counsel after the customer started making remarks. Sources of information on safe laundry intervals for young men: CS guy friends who were not stinky, said non-stinky husband
That's likely way too frequent and will quickly wear the denim out. Granted, it depends.
For casual/social wear, washing jeans every 4-6 weeks is typically fine. Obviously wash them sooner if there's any smell that simply airing them out doesn't cure, or if they're visibly dirty.
I agree that everything else on your body should pretty much be worn once and washed, barring top-layer delicates such as sweaters or cardigans.
Take them out one by one “flicking them” from the collar / arm area, and then hang.
It’ll reduce the wrinkles even more.
In winter I would dress before light and end up on bus or class randomly with an inside-out tee. This drove people crazy. I stopped checking myself because I met so many people that way who would have otherwised ignored me but felt compelled to tap my shoulder and tell me.
Sometimes you have to be different enough to stand out.
No matter how clever you are, feeling at ease around people takes some practice. I used to be considered super extroverted, but now after the lock-downs, I also feel a bit awkward inside. So pick an event that might be interesting - any event really - and go there. Try to spend 1 hour without staring at your phone and instead look at what's going on, what other people are doing, and what you could do.
Also #3. You'll be surprised at how little what you say actually matters, as long as you are generally friendly, attentive, listen to them, and are halfway hygienic. Most people are so worried about what you might think about them that they barely have time to form an opinion about you.
At that event, there will probably be other people that are lonely, too. You'll need to divide them into 2 groups: a) they are alone because they are difficult to talk to, or in a bad mood b) they are alone because they are in a similar situation as you So if you see anyone that is alone, makes eye contact, and seems friendly, just talk to them.
"I went here alone because I was so curious about X but everyone else already had plans. Why did you come?"
Extra credits: Try to start your questions with Why or How. It gives the other person an opportunity to talk about something unrelated, if they want to.
But, IMHO, turning these acquaintances into friends takes something else: showing vulnerability and being able to support the other person when they are vulnerable.
The comments here have some great advice, but I haven’t seen anyone mention this. Personally I think this is absolutely paramount.
The best friendships I have are with people who I have shared myself with, have been willing to listen, and who have listened with kindness and understanding. People who appreciate that I am showing faith in our friendship by opening up.
Some people will not give me that space. They will look uncomfortable or make awkward jokes. They will always be acquaintances to me, never friends.
Conversely, I must be willing to do this for other people. To listen with understanding, to ask questions, and to know when my opinion is not needed.
Now, for those who want it, here’s my strong opinion: if people won’t do this for you, if they respond by looking awkward or making uncomfortable jokes, then f*k em. You don’t need that in your life, and you’ll find much better people.
You could say "f-k em", or you could try something like "hey man, it hurts when you make jokes like that" or "I know this makes you uncomfortable to hear but I really just need ____ (encouragement, a kind word, etc) ____ right now"
Relationships at their core need grace and forgiveness, not a f-k em attitude. Plenty of those awkward/jokey people grew up in families where a spirit of listening/kindness/understanding was minimal and thus can't give what they never received. Assertive communication gives people that wobble room to grow to meet your unique needs.
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This turns people off. Sometimes people need to be reminded of that.
This reads as borderline creepy and sociopathic. If I discovered a friend of mine did this to me I'd find it really needy and a bit unnerving.
OP - you really just need to actually chill. Throw a party like others said is a good start - but don't be a weirdo about it and overthink all this shit.
I made lifelong friends at this age by going out to shows/parties - occasionally taking recreational drugs and baring souls to one another. 20 years later we don't do any of that stuff, but we're still close and just as no bullshit as back then.
https://www.monicahq.com/
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It is hard to establish anything meaningful of a connection with casual interactions, and expecting to just "party/play hard" with people you don't really know is putting the cart before the horse. First you must work hard together.
I'd suggest joining a Crossfit gym or similar. I've had great success meeting people within the context of group workouts. It has regular class schedules, and provides a way to ease into social interactions at your own pace as you'll be around the same people regularly. Often this leads to opportunities to do things together outside of the classes.
Additionally, there are likely individuals with similar disinterest in the common activities you mentioned in you CS classes. Finding opportunities to work with someone on class assignments, studying or projects together would fall in the "shared struggle" category.
I definitely agree with the shared struggle aspect and add the activity should also have "moments of down time" where you're still "doing" the activity, but you're sort of at a point of waiting. These are the moments where you get to find out someone's life, like if they've got a kid that plays a musical instrument or new policies at their own jobs.
One simple thing we did early on was simply ask some of the other people "what are you doing tonight?" after the class. At least at the college age, there's always a chance a handful of people will be down for going to a bar or pool hall afterwards.
Yes, and 1) in this context the stakes are lower, it's not some big planned event or party. And 2) You're not trying to meet people or start from 0 at a party amongst strangers; these are people you already know you're just out having a good time.
Many of my closer work relationships have come from venting about aspects of the company we didn't like. And, echoing the other responders, many of my closest friends from college were those that I psetted with at 4am.
Advice to the OP: get involved with a club or activity that has challenging aspects (e.g. a service club or a sports club) rather than a shared interests club. Don't worry too much about not being too interested in "traditional CS" things - just be open to sharing and learning about your non overlapping interests.
Have two "forever" friendships over 20 years, where we talk almost every day & have been around for good & bad in each other's lives, even though on different continents for past 12 years.
You have to believe me when I profess that such friendships are 'forged over blood, sweat, rum and tears'.
later i joined a volunteer group that helped students get summer jobs.
all my friends came from groups like these...
Log off, touch some grass. Put yourself out there. Once you get a few people around you, it's relatively easy to leaver yourself into other friends groups.
> But I've heard everybody talking about Halloween costumes in the past few days and realized I don't need one cause I'll be sitting inside alone on Halloween. I'd like to start fixing this but don't know how.
Just say yes to the next offer you get, you'll only make friends if you expose yourself to other humans. HN is unlikely to be the place where you make real friends.
Specifically about the parties: You can invite yourself easily enough to things - just get them talking about it (i.e. "oh I hear you're having a Halloween party, anything cool planned?") - if you sound interested and talk for a while most people will invite you.
The only way to get good at social interactions is to keep putting yourself in social settings.
1. This kind of thing doesn’t come naturally for a lot of people (myself included)
2. It doesn’t always work even if you do it well. Perhaps the other people are also quite shy.
So the important thing is practice, and to kind of brace yourself going in: “If it doesn’t click with these specific people, I don’t care. This is a practice run and I’ll practice again until it works.”
I’ve found that, paradoxically, one of the things that makes relationships hard is wanting them. When you really desire a friendship or other relationship with someone new, you tend to come off as over-eager or awkward, and that’s off-putting for the other person. Conversely when you can be casual and unconcerned, it makes you seem confident and happy, which other people are drawn to.
So there really is a “fake it till you make it” thing going on, which is quite hard to learn IMO, but can be learned with practice.
While they should be saying yes to opportunities to connect with people, I'm not sure if this particular advice is great. If I was in a similar situation to the author of the post, I would find this particular advice demoralizing. It assumes the author of the post has what they are stressing they do NOT have - friends and offers of things to do. If you are not connecting with people you will not magically have offers from people.
It's about forcing yourself to get out there in controlled settings - clubs, volunteer, meetups, classes, and other places people are actively seeking connection.
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After freshman year, you'll still certainly be able to make plenty of friends, but I found that first year to be especially primed for socialization.
As others have mentioned - ask people to hang out outside if class. Get to the clubs you are interested in, even if they aren't full of other CS majors. Look for events sponsored by the school, like concerts or dances or sports games, and try to find folks who are interested in a good time there.
Best of luck to you!
P.s. - where are you going to school? If you feel comfortable sharing, you could potentially get some advice on campus specific activities (if there are any alumni around).
My experience too. It may seem that everyone else is somehow already plugged-in, but it's just an appearance. Making some acquaintances is a first step to potential friends.
I would not be relying heavily on the need to share something in common - free time and attention is already common enough. All it takes to "socialize" is to ask anyone from your fellow cohort about what they're doing tonight a few times then ask to come along, if not already being invited to join. Turns out boring or not your thing, well, at least now you've got a "shared" experience and a reason to reciprocate and invite someone to do things your way.
Another idea is to join some hiking (or similar outdoors) group. This gives you an extended time in a group, so naturally some conversations open the avenues to do things together beyond hiking. Also, it helps to hook up with some folks from the next college year, kinda piggy back into their circles.
Finally, just do your thing in the spririt of "Build it and they'll come!". After all it's your time, make it fun for yourself to live through it.
Good luck!
Up to now, I've never had any events in person. Some classes are in person again since 3 weeks ago, but everyone immediately runs away after we're dismissed. I'm starting to lose hope at this point.
One thing that made a huge difference for me was getting a job on-campus. In my case I worked at the Battalion, it was awesome. Although it was also a lot bigger back then.
Student jobs are great because regardless of the job itself, everyone else is, well, a student! Unlike class, you almost certainly have a lot of time to chitchat and kill time on any job, so it’s easier to make friends. Another bonus: chances are the people you work with are in all different majors, and as you make some friends who aren’t in your classes then it helps branch out and give you more sources of potential friends. The people who cross over between disciplines tend to be interesting.
Other things I did include intramurals, volunteering at summer camps, and getting an all-sports pass and constantly asking people if they wanted to go to a (soccer/volleyball/tennis/basketball) whatever sport was happening and not football. Everyone already has plans for the football game, but the minor sports are way easier to go watch, less time commitment, and tons of people have all sports passes but nobody to go to tennis matches with, so they are wasted. I made several casual friends by just asking people “you ever been to an Aggie Soccer match? It’s fun!”
If you’re picking up on a theme here, it’s that you should try to spend as much time in meat space as possible. I was really never comfortable doing stuff like just going to the bar by myself, and having structured activities/excuses why I was going to be somewhere helped me a lot. Most of the friendships I made were casual, but I think that’s normal, and a few became close friends who still keep in touch 15 years later.
Hang in there! Lots of people have lonely seasons in life, it’s normal, and it’ll get better :)
I'm a cali guy, so I can't comment on Texas A&M from experience, but... is there a computer lab available for working on your CS assignment? At my school our lab was lovingly referred to as "the dungeon". It was a place where you would spend long hours working with others on hard problems. As others have mentioned, shared hardship goes a long way towards friendship, and I am still close with some of those I met and worked with there!
For me the landscape and huge size of different orgs at TAMU was also somewhat intimidating. I did push myself to join a couple of service oriented groups and had a great time but didn’t make close friends (which is fine). I ended up getting involved in research and became close friends with many of my lab mates. There are many great CS research labs that are welcoming to undergrads just starting if you have interests in that.
For me I also found (perhaps too late in my studies) that taking classes in other areas that interested me (social sciences, psych for me) was a great way to meet entirely different groups of people without a lot of the effort of joining an org.
I hope something in here is helpful! Although I was definitely a 2%er with respect to school spirit, I greatly enjoyed my time at A&M and hope you will too.
— everyone else is also worried about what they are going to do and wondering how to make friends
- they want to be invited
It’s easy: just invite people. Some people may politely decline but they’ll appreciate it.
Many many many people will accept and be very grateful for being invited. Come up with a plan for them: we all meet at X, then go to Y. You can pick public places.
Now you’re the hub of your social group. Please use this power for good and not evil. Try not to exclude people next time if they occasionally get annoyed at you.
Sometimes college kids can be a bit shallow and immature and also don't have the social skills to keep friendships going from their side - friendship is a two way street. Definitely "try" a few methods to see if something sticks, and get involved in 2-3 clubs if you've got the bandwidth, but don't think it's the end of the world if nothing does stick. Get what you can from college (internships!!) and know it's not going to be the same thing for the rest of your life.
I was an introvert, disabled, had hearing issues, in hindsight also had hygiene issues that I've since taken care of, and was dangerously depressed during my junior year which didn't help matters. I basically camped out at the library either borrowing books or games, did my four years, and still have no connections from that time.
What worked was showing up in-person at my current workplace and climbing up the ranks with my coworkers and getting to know them on a personal level, as well as going through several rough work changes. See if an internship offers a different social group than college does.
(Also a woman - so, having a few issues being social isn't just a gendered thing, even if it skews a certain way.)
Spending more time in a learning environment is a very reasonable thing to advise a slow learner do, math or otherwise.
Starving? Just eat some food
Insomniac? Just go to sleep
Socially anxious? Just be more social
No friends? Just put yourself out there
All the same useless advice
No friends? Just get more friends.
The advice as given by GP is at least somewhat actionable.
This seems like the classic confusion caused by conflating “simple” and “easy”. Simple advice may be useful.
The standard advice is: friendship is formed from proximity; repeated unplanned interactions; and a setting which encourages people to let their guard down. This seems extremely true. Sometimes luck puts you in a position where you can't avoid these interactions with people who are near you a lot, but if you're finding that it's not happening naturally, look at which of those is lacking in your current activities and see whether you can increase them.
Case study: choir or orchestra (remember that "unplanned interactions" can take place in a planned setting). There's a shared goal among people in close proximity; there are very often periods of unplanned downtime and hence casual interaction while the conductor focuses on some other subgroup of the choir to yours; smallish (~30 person) choirs naturally form into nicely conversation-sized groups among the parts anyway; the nature of the activity is already skewed towards publicly making a fool of yourself (everyone around you can hear your wrong notes!) so everyone's sensitivity to social convention is slightly suppressed.
Debugging example: perhaps you attend a club so are regularly in proximity to people and there's the chance for unplanned interactions, but you're finding that conversations just don't naturally happen (this is me all the time!). That suggests there's some combination of you and the setting which is not encouraging people to let their guard down. The easy-mode hack is to decamp to the pub afterwards (even if you hate pubs, I can't stand them but they do the job extremely well) and let the group's collective guard go down with alcohol. It'll be easiest if they already have some friendships among the group, so that some people are already being open with each other. Remember that you might be part of the problem here, so consider erring on the side of being uncomfortably open yourself.
And in college, remember that however painful it is, there are so many people around; if you mess up somewhere, you can literally just never see those people ever again if necessary.