Not referring to "grit your teeth and be fake polite" which I've noticed many people do. But genuinely be calm (when production systems go down and customers are yelling, for example) and kind (especially when others around us are unreasonable just because they can) and lastly, be kind to self. And absolutely not use crap like sarcasm to deal with the situation.
Any tools that worked for you in professional and personal life?
B. Look to your health in the moment as well. While raising special needs kids, I learned that a glass of water, something to eat and/or a short nap was often the difference between losing my shit and continuing to rise to the occasion. So, stop, go to the break room and take care of yourself for 5 minutes. Then deal with it.
C. Journal and work on the person in the mirror. Often, things get a rise out of us more because of baggage from the past than because of how bad it really is right now.
D. Do volunteer work in something that exposes you to problems that get a big reaction out of you. Having perspective can be very valuable for keeping your cool in the face of stressful work situations. If you deal with life threatening, messy problems on the weekend as a volunteer, most problems that come up in an office job just won't get past your callouses enough to get under your skin.
E. Educate yourself on how to effectively solve various problems. Knowing you can fix it is probably the single biggest source of calm in the face of a tempest. So up your game. Figure out what your weak areas are and start filling them in.
Basically, the essence is to take 5 minutes at the very end of the day to think back through each hour of the day, perhaps with a couple of focus questions (eg "did I become angry, even internally"). You use your will to sincerely regret anything that you think was wrong, and maybe use a bit of problem solving to see how it could have gone differently.
Five minutes at the end of the day (maybe it stays on your mind as you sleep? but that's just my bro-science) every day for a month should help you make some small steps.
Sorry for my rambling I am just starting to learn the concepts myself from this book: A Guide to the good life
It annoys my girlfriend sometimes because nothing really bugs me or gets me really upset though she tries her best. I would say this, and stoicism are big reasons why. There are also numerous studies that show exercise reduces stress an improves your overall well being.
All you need is good intentions and to be relaxed enough to live up to them.
The problem of course: Relaxation is rarest in the moments you described. I see two ways things can still work out:
- You start being calmer in smaller situations, like in traffic and little by little it will also help you with bigger situations. How exactly you stay calm is probably something personal. I need to rationalize and take a moment to think (simply not acting on anything until I have thought it through as a precaution). Further I can remind myself of how little this moment matters in the big picture. Especially at work: it's just a game we play to earn money, it's not my life.
- You can try to reduce stress in general. There are many ways to do this: No driving, no group work, less work, more generosity towards yourself (especially embracing laziness), having a plan for a better future, taking a breath of fresh air (join the smokers, just don't get started smoking :) ), avoiding toxic power hierarchies, shedding responsibilities (especially professionally: make clear where your responsibility ends and worry less about the rest; where you are responsible also claim some authority)
About fakes: I personally hate anything fake, but this is especially true for two-faced fakers that kind of lie by doing it. If you are acting to be the person you want to be it is different: It has the underlying truth that you want to be like this. It can quickly begin to feel natural to act that way and become much less fake and more relaxing. Just make sure that it feels like an accomplishment if you act like you want to act (and not like you have to swallow anger and frustration and risking to burst at some point).
Also, if you are angry and I compassionate towards with yourself, it’s quite hard to be genuinely compassionate toward others.
Sarcasm, OTOH, is sometimes useful. It's knowing when is the trick. Justifiable expressions of anger are sometimes necessary; at the very least, ignoring it means you are ignoring something pertinent and meaningful to yourself which shouldn't be ignored. How to take action based on that anger is another question...