The negativity I face online, though, has led me to withdraw from participating in these communities, opting instead to lurk. The toll it takes on my mental health is significant, which also makes me worried about the reactions I might receive here, but I chose to post on HN because I believe it to be one of the most tolerant online communities, so I'll bite the bullet for what may well be the last time.
All in all, I'm at a crossroads and unsure of how to proceed. I've considered trying to imitate others, but I find it difficult, if not impossible. I've also attempted to use AI as a crutch, the way I "use" my friends to help me "translate" my thoughts, but that has often resulted in even more negative feedback. It has gone on and off for 15 years and I haven't made much progress. So, do you have any actionable suggestion? Thanks.
This has helped me to not post when it was simply me having a knee jerk reaction. It also help to consider what you're getting from it and what you're giving others.
When you reset to your default habits and possibly get bad reactions from people, be honest and evaluate how you communicated and whether their reaction is really not warranted (in your perspective). At times, I've been inconsiderate and obnoxious and got bad reactions. I try to accept that because any other reaction would actually be unexpected. Yes, we all mess up sometimes.
Have you considered that perhaps online communities are simply unhealthy and withdrawing (at least to lurking) is the best course of action?
There are places where people will help you with your photography problems (dpreview.com) or who will get close to you and enjoy your avatar and praise you (VRChat) and then there are places where people believe there are two kinds of people and you better know what kind I am (Twitter clones)
Also, don't use AI - it sounds wrong and bland. For me, I tend to adopt the writing style of what I've been reading recently (it's most notable when I pause what I'm writing and come back to it after reading something from the 1800s) so I might recommend reading it for a while to get your brain in that mode and then maybe posting, if you also do that.
Best of luck!
Before engaging, ask yourself, if positions were reversed how would hearing this make me feel? Is that how I want people to feel when reading what I wrote?
Treat it like a chess game. If I do X (call out their ignorance for example) they will do Y (feel attacked and shut down). Do I want them doing Y? If not, what do I want?
Everything you say and do, does things to other people’s thoughts and emotions. If you want them to feel good, follow the feeling good script (honest engagement with their positive qualities, friendly behavior, active listening, positive engagement with what they’re saying) if you want to pick a fight follow the fight picking script (say rude things, call names, make people feel bad)
Sorry if that all sounds stupid. While following my own advice I realized that what I said could sound painfully obvious, and maybe is offensive and patronizing. In my defense I don’t know what’s obvious to you and what is not.
So if it helps and made you feel good you’re welcome. If it’s offensive or I made things worse, I apologize. (See what I did there? Predicted how what I said might make someone feel)?
(you could look through comments of my HN comments and occasionally see someone point out a sign of my condition)
Maybe OP can point us to online forums where they've posted, and/or provide some examples of conversations where they've been misunderstood?
Have you considered accessing supports like seeing a psychologist, a speech therapist, or occupational therapist that works with adults? You've got a pretty clear goal, wanting to communicate more effectively in writing/in online spaces, and spending a few months (or however long) working on that goal with a professional can help you build the skills in that area. I suggest finding a professional because it's not really possible to learn and build communication skills alone, and trying to learn from how people react to you in online spaces hasn't helped, and having someone who actually has your best interest in mind is hopefully going be more helpful than anything else.
Others have highlighted some ideas around reevaluating which communities you spend time in, and while, yeah, sure there are parts of the internet that might be worth reconsidering taking part in, that doesn't really help you engage and connect in the ways you want to. Even otherwise okay online spaces can be really tough for neurodivergent people. I hope you can figure it out
Like, there is a reason Discord I am most active in is full of people that have ADHD. And big chunk on spectrum. And big chunk queer.
Other thing I presonally often use is ... many times I got bad reaction online, it was because I posted my opinion on particular thing, and too many people took it as if I am stating an universally true fact. So I am adding little extra things that make it clearer that I am not making universal statements.
I.e. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38899647 I spent 5 lines advocating how diversity is the best - but I still end on "But I do understand the pull of insular culture and small villages, where diversity is less of a virtue."