Ask HN: How should I find a wife?

This book helped me think rationally about the problem space: How To Get A Date Worth Keeping by Henry Cloud.

He has a systematic approach that is very much like a sales funnel. The idea is to maximize the number of people you date once, and thus increase your probability of finding someone who will be mutually compatible with you.

derbOac · 4 years ago

On the other hand, I have a friend who adopted this approach and it turned out to be the source of their problems. I'm not saying it's a bad approach, just that at some point you have to go from dating -> feel something serious -> commitment at some level, and there's some tension there between "maximizing your dating pool" and "committing to one relationship."

I don't mean anything like "being monogamous is difficult" what I mean is mentally there's a shift involved as you progress, and the relationship is as much a function of what you put into it as what the other person is providing you. If you're in "evaluating your partner mode" perpetually, you'll never get to the next stage.

Or something like that.

avmich · 4 years ago

I'm sorry, but from your description of the approach it's almost completely worthless.

cercatrova · 4 years ago

I really dislike comments like these, especially on HN. "Please don't post shallow dismissals, especially of other people's work. A good critical comment teaches us something." is in the HN guidelines.

It is better to explain what exactly you find objectionable about the parent's comment.

I never searched for a wife, never aspired to "find a wife", never particularly wanted a wife.

I just went about with my life and a wife suddenly appeared. (To be fair, first she was just a girl, then a friend, then a girlfriend and then a wife).

You can increase the probability that a wife appears in much the same way catch new pokemon, by moving around, even if you're just moving between the same two tiles.

So, to repeat what everyone else said, don't be hunting, and don't worry about it, enjoy your life and be social in situations where you feel comfortable.

TimTheTinker · 4 years ago

That's really great that it worked out for you like that :-)

It doesn't always turn out easily for people, though. I had been wanting to marry for several years before I finally met the woman I married.

I agree, though, that meeting people in low-pressure social contexts is the best way forward.

800xl · 4 years ago

All of the women I dated I met in lower pressure situations like at work or school and the relationship just developed naturally. I never tried to force it. I met my wife at work while in college (so it wasn't a professional level job). Trying to meet women at a bar or club seems too high pressure and too much like a game so I never understood guys who did that. I'm a huge nerd and would never be able to make bars and clubs work anyway.

CogitoCogito · 4 years ago

To add to this, put yourself in more of these lower pressure situations. Find social clubs (sports clubs where the members meet up socially as well is my preference) that you _enjoy_ on their own. If you meet someone that's great, but if you have fun you still have gained even if you don't meet someone. Do this enough and just stay open.

mikebos · 4 years ago

This. Just this. I met my wife on a 2 week group vacation (sight seeing in Africa). Basically low pressure but with lot of interaction. We liked each other and started seeing each other after the vacation. End of story. Bars and clubs never worked for me, sport did though :-)

aristofun · 4 years ago

Crucial lesson that I’ve learned the hard way: never make decisions regarding spiritual and irrational side of your life with your rational brain.

Unless you consider a wife as purely a business partner with concrete common goals in mind.

This sounds cheesy but its true nonetheless - don’t go from your mind (he is always looking for more and always unsatisfied), go from your heart.

On the technical side - i’d just expose myself more to various social contexts, would be more proactive in starting meaningful conversations, would take more responsibility for the interaction (not for control over other party’s reactions), would say no more often, would believe in myself more and trusted my intuition, would waste less time just trying to get laid.

I think these are mostly good advices.

fl0tingh0st · 4 years ago

Indian here (from southern part): My physical attribute, 5'2 (short but not dwarf), Wheatish color. In India most of the marriage will be arranged, so I'm trying for arrange marriage, I'm searching from past 3 years, rejected by 200 odd potential bride because of my height and we don't have a own place of in city (but we have in village, as of now staying at a rented place in city). Even my love proposal in past was rejected either by my financial condition or by my height. the girl is 5ft is also expecting 5'5 above. I don't know why girls prefer height over everything. The only reason I'm being considered in few scenario is my education background and my salary. We as a family were from lower middle class, due to my and my brother earning we are kind of between upper middle and middle class. I tried bumble, nothing worked there too. Any suggestion please?

Bostonian · 4 years ago

Marginal Revolution recently had a good discussion:

https://marginalrevolution.com/marginalrevolution/2022/01/ad...

You have to see people. This could be hard, for introverts, but this is almost a requirements both for direct goal and for finding ways to the goal - in other words, you'll learn what to do better the more people you're contacting.

suifbwish · 4 years ago

Half the people I know and work with (Indian) had arranged marriages and all seem to be pretty happy. The idea of hoping everything works out randomly with no planning or reference is kind of terrifying to me.

I know examples when people consider arranged marriages the same as involuntary marriages by definition.

dusted · 4 years ago