What scares you the most in life? A fear that absolutely paralyses you. Do whatever that is.

For me for whatever reason, that extreme fear is heights and flying. I had an extreme fear of flying to the point where I would refuse to fly and instead take any combination of ship + bus to get to destinations. Had it my whole life.

I would consider myself a very intense person. I’m a nihilist now, I don’t think there is any point to life at all. Truly it’s not been something I’ve ever been able to shake, so lately (last month) I’ve embraced it. I’m only 30. I’ve seen and experienced things in life that have completely broken me.

7 months ago i got diagnosed with adhd. 6 months ago I lost my job. 5 months ago almost to the day, my fiancé left me over a 10 minute phone call, after 7 years together. Took our dog with her. Blamed me for everything failing. Everything was my fault. Now our place is being sold. Lost all my friends over those 7 years and had no social media.

I was in the darkest pit I have ever been in my life. Complete despair. I hit the gym as hard as possible, ate healthy, started twice weekly therapy, started going to events to meet people, started cycling, started rock climbing.

None of that did anything to shake the intense depression and despair and underlying nihilism. Truly I had come to terms with the fact that I’ve had thoughts that you can’t “un-think” and I truly think most people don’t ever break down that no matter what you do life is pointless, low to the point that you think most people are living in ignorance of the pointlessness of living.

So I tried pushing myself harder and harder. My life, I’ve been in several relationships that have failed. Been madly in love a few times. I’ve built viral software (300,000 users). I’ve sold software. I’m self taught. Backend/frontend/low level/graphics. I’m an Electrical Engineer too. I’ve pitched at and won startup comps, made and raised money. Owned a home. Worked with sick animals, walked dogs for a living. Been hiking, done woodwork. Been engaged. Failed papers. Aced papers. Been in a jail cell. Been in an ambulance. Have arthritis. Been in fights. Been beaten up. Taken drugs. Dissociated. Been skinny. Been fat. Been ripped. Almost drowned. Been in a car accident.

None of that did anything for me.

But last weekend I booked a solo flight for myself to a destination I’ve never been to. This is something that I’ve told myself I’m not capable of my whole life. Because I realised I probably wouldn’t be around much longer unless there was drastic change in my life and perspective.

On the tarmac, the moment those plane engines started up I got super excited for the first time in years, because I realised either i die on this flight and it doesn’t matter anyway, or I push through fear and scare myself. I pushed through the fear and felt a rush.

That was only a few days ago. Now I’m booking a global flight to see the other side of the world in 4 months time to do some solo travel. Then more flights after that. I also just did the best rock climbing I’ve ever done, prior to that experience I’d be clinging onto the wall for dear life, but that last session I just flew up the wall without a care in the world.

I’ve realised now that I’m just an intense person and I can’t live a mundane life. So I need to lean into it and seek fear.

I can tell you for free that material possession and earning money is definitely not the answer. In fact, get rid of most of the shit you own because it just bogs you down.

Pushing through fear has been the breakthrough I’ve needed in my life, and no one could do it for me. I feel like a different person.

This may sound stupid, but maybe we all need to get punched in the face. We spend our modern lives constantly in the past, in the future, anxiety and existential dread about what is coming, what may come to pass, how will we deal with it, grief and loss, thinking about fucking money and relationships and housing.

Go to a boxing gym, and spar with someone. Introduce some danger into your life. No one wants to get punched in the face. I guarantee you getting the shit beat out of you, and you doing the same to someone else, will have you in the moment. When you’re actively getting attacked, there is no time for anxiety or depression or grief. Just “do I duck left, or do I duck right”.

Stop waiting for life to happen. Go out and do dangerous shit.

I’m not advocating for being reckless. But my new philosophy is: if life is pointless, then the only rational response is to do whatever makes you feel most alive, regardless of social conventions or personal anxieties real or imagined